AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

I was 27 when I married OH, and he was 44! We met a few years earlier and were a couple for about 3 and half years before we married. It's now been ten years and 3 kids later we are still happy. If there are no other red flags and he seems nice, then I wouldn't say anything. You're daughter is a grown woman with a good job and supportive family, she isn't vulnerable.

I'm not sure what you can do about it? You raised your concerns with her...it's not what you could choose, but it's not your decision?

You keep talking about ‘your concerns’ but you haven’t actually said what these concerns are. It sounds like a happy relationship between well-matched partners. What’s the problem?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. He found himself a carer, having lived his life, having had children, and you are right to be concerned about your daughter and her life. No advice here, just a handhold. This is an awful situation, and barristers can be stupid in real life too, academic brilliance does not always translate to real life. I am sorry, I don't know what to suggest. But I feel for you. I would have felt the same.

Well it’s fairly obvious what concerns the mum could have, disingenuous to say you can’t think of any.

No good will come of raising it with your DD though.

You can have your reservations. You may probably be right in the end. You can also give your blessing as your opinion hasn’t been asked for, you can also give your support and help her pick up the pieces like a decent human being if it goes tits up

Your Dh is right. She’s not a kid, she’s 27. They have as much chance of a successful marriage as anybody.

Would I be delighted if my 22 year old ds brought home a 39 year old woman with two kids as my new DIL? No, not at all. I would hope at his age that it might not last tbh. But at 27 - it’s up to him. You need to find your zen and your positivity, as you are the ones who could lose her if you don’t support. At least he’s nice!

As long as your daughter had thought about the implications, I think it’s fine. But she needs to know that in forty years when she wants an active retirement he’s going to be much more housebound. And they need to be on the same page re potential children. If she decides in five years that she wants to have three, she might find her 49 year old husband is not so keen.

Sorry, this old divorced crock possibly thinks there is nothing wrong with getting involved with your daughter - they do think they are something special. I only realised that after reading an interview with Lord Sumption in a newspaper - where he, already being elderly, bemoaned the fact that he decided to take up piano again at 60 and after several months of intensive practice, realised he won't become as proficient as he would like to be (play concerts) and gave up. They genuinely think they are able to 'will things' with their 'brilliant minds' and also will their arthritic fingers fly over the ivories - some of them are truly crazy in their assessment of their capabilities in all areas of life.

I mean you can have concerns, but she’s an adult with her own mind.

Leave them be if they're as happy as you say they are

YA only being U to have phrased your AIBU as a false dichotomy. This makes voting misleading.

YANBU to have reservations about the age gap, but as you have voiced these once you would now be unreasonable not to keep them to yourself.

She's 27 and she is very much a competent adult. Choosing a man so much older and with children may very well be a mistake, but it's one you have to let her make, otherwise you'll permanently svar your relationship without stopping her anyway.

You don't think he's abusive aside from the perhaps unconscious fact of the power imbalance resulting from professional seniority and the big age difference, so you need to hold your peace and support her, and if it turns out to be a mistake support HH er when it goes wrong too.

Presumably the workplace relationship won't lose one or both of them their jobs?

Just to say OP if anyone knows the couple this is properly identifying and it will be easy to work out who it is. A lot of people read mumsnet or worse it’s picked up on FB.

I agree no good will come of raising it with your daughter. I see it from your side as well but she has to make her own decisions. She’ll just get cross if you raise it 😔

I wouldn't be thrilled either but at this point it's 2 years on, bite your tongue and wish them very happy.

You did math at school, right? Look at their age difference.

Surely as a mother you want your daughter to be happy and successful in life and it sounds as though she is with this older man. I think you need to be happy for her and her choices, otherwise she's going to get very cross with you and you might fall out very badly. Your DH is right. You should focus on all of the positives, not what might be one day in the future.

I can completely understand your reservations but she's an adult, a bright and accomplished one by the sounds of things, so there's nothing you can do except maintain a strong mother/daughter relationship. It may all work out brilliantly. It may work out brilliantly for 15 years and then cracks may start to show. Her choices to make though.

My BIL is only 14 years younger than my parents in law, there is a 16 year age difference between him and my SIL. They’ve been together over 20 years and have a lovely home, family and lifestyle.
You’ve said he treats your daughter well, he’s nice, good job and she is happy I think you should be happy for her.

Genuinely, what is the objection, or "concerns"? Marriage is about the individuals and so, if these two are well- suited, they stand as good as chance as anybody. There are plenty of couples close in age where the relationship doesn't last.

I'd be more gutted for my daughter than he comes with kids already. ALWAYS such a mess. She's stuck in the same area as they can't move due to his kids. His money will (rightly) go on his kids. I really do not understand women who settle for this kind of limiting life. The age is ick, yes.

Old crock at 44??! Elderly at 60??!! What on earth?

More or less just the age gap maybe that’s not rational I just thought it was a fling and they’d move on and she would meet someone closer closer to her age

Same age gap here, our 40th anniversary this October.

Already lived his life at 44 and looking for a carer? What on earth is going on with the posters on this thread?

Yes.. I’ve just been really surprised to
see virtually every tread on Facebook on the Mumsnet page …