AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

I think age gaps are irrelevant during working years. It creates a problem in old age though, where a younger partner spends 20-30 years as a carer. I’d be sad about that prospect if it were my daughter, but you can’t say anything as it’ll only alienate her.

My partner is 16 years older than me and closer to my parents age than mine.
He's a bigger child than my teenagers - doesn't take himself seriously, is happy, laughs all the time. That means more to me than my ex who is my age, who I don't remember laughing or being genuinely happy for the majority of out marriage.

@AII41
Well the good news is the daughter has a very good career in her own right. I can't imagine two well-established barristers are ever going to be short of a bob or two, even if her husband is (quite rightly) supporting his children.

I don’t think we will fall out. I want her to be happy two things can be true at the same time. Just because I am a little worried about the age gap doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be happy. She is very happy with him so I will have to accept it because that’s what matters most.

I wouldn’t say he’s ‘old’ but alright ahaha

By your own admission you've said he's a decent bloke who treats her really well and they obviously adore each other.

There's not much more you can hope for is there? There's absolutely no guarantee that her relationship will last but that's the same for a partner any age. Just be happy for her, let go your reservations and be a good mum. If and I mean if there are problems later just be there for her.

We need a bit more info here really.

For example, does your DD want DC? And does he want any more? If your DD wants to focus on her career for a while and then have DC mid-30s for example, her DH would then be in his 50s; would he want a new baby then, or would he be looking towards retirement?

How old are his DC? If the youngest is five and your potential SIL left his first wife when their youngest was a baby, does that bode well for him being a hands-on father if/when your DD has a baby?

Has she looked at how life is with a blended family?

Would she be happy to go through pregnancy with a DH who works long hours and also has two DC to look after? If she has a difficult pregnancy and wants/needs looking after but her DH also has to look after two existing DC, does she recognise she won’t be the priority?

Obviously if she doesn’t want kids, most of the above is irrelevant, but blended families are difficult and things like never having a childfree holiday with your DH because he uses all his annual leave with his kids can create hurdles.

27 is young to be a stepmother of two, I understand your hesitation.

I think it's completely reasonable to have concerns. I would be very concerned if my daughter were to announce that she was engaged to someone 17 years her senior. But ultimately I think your DH is right. It's your daughter's life, and if you keep voicing your reservations to her, you risk severely damaging your relationship.

I agree with others that anyone who knows your daughter or her fiancé reasonably well will be able to identify them from the details you've given in your OP.

What’s the divorce rate now: 1 in 2 or still 1 in 3?

Point is, she could marry a 30 year old and still have a bloody good chance of divorce.

You say she’s well educated and fab. So trust her to know her own mind and be sensible.

I have a friend who married a man with a similar age gap. Now she’s in her 40s, still in her prime, and he’s in his 60s, nearing retirement and slowing down. It’s depressing tbh. But I’m not sure what you can do about it – it’s her life.

editing my reply because it double posted

This is the thing isn't it - he gets to be with a 27; year old at 44.

By contrast when she's 44, she will be with a 58 year old.

They'll get very different 44 year old experiences if they stay together.

He'll be with a 53 year old when he is 67.
She'll be with an 81 year old when she's 67.

Very, very different potential retirements!

It actually potentially matters more at older ages than the brief golden moment when both are healthy working age adults.

Not that her mother pointing it out is a good idea.

Dh didn't have children before he met me but otherwise our situation is exactly the same- barristers, same age gap, got together at that age. 15 years later we are still very happy.

I did 'maths' at school. Me and my husband have a 17 year age gap like the OP's daughter and her fiance, and we married at the ages that they are now. What on earth are you talking about?? Care to tell me? Read my comment again.

There were 15 years between my parents. On paper they shouldn’t have been anywhere near each other. Age gap, long distance relationship (they lived thousands of miles apart), she was middle class, university educated, his education was destroyed by WW2 and what was probably undiagnosed severe dyslexia meant he was only functionally literate. But they shared the same values and were married for 49 years.

I think my dm’s parents probably had similar concerns tbh but they were fleeting. Dad ended up universally and completely adored by dm’s family.

They both want children. They're both barristers on similar incomes, so I imagine they'll make it work in the same way lots of professional couples do.

From everything I've seen, he's a very good father even the mother of his children says. His children are 13 and 9 when he and his ex-wife divorced so I wouldn’t say they were babies. From what I've been told the divorce was mutual they so co-parent really well. Obviously I only know what I've seen and I'm not his ex-wife, so I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of their previous marriage.

His children really like my daughter and she sees them regularly. Sometimes she'll even pick them up from their mum's house on her own and have a chat with their mum, so she's already quite involved in their lives. From what I can see, having children from a previous marriage hasn't been a barrier to their relationship. They still spend time together and go away together when they can.

As for what happens if they have children together, nobody can predict the future, but based on what I've seen I don't think he'd neglect one set of children in favour of another. If anything I think he'd do his best to be there for all of them.

I'm not sure she's fully appreciated every challenge that comes with being part of a blended family but then I don't think anyone really knows until they're living it. It’s not something you can really pre plan how that’ll go, she loves his kids, they love her too, they’re very excited for the wedding.

To be honest, my reservations aren't really about him having been married before or having children. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for a previous marriage ending.
Marriages do break down. My concerns aren’t really rational just in terms of the fact that he’s closer to my age that’s pretty much it.

At the end of the day, she's an intelligent, capable adult and I have to trust that she knows what she's doing. For all I know they'll be together for the rest of their lives. My eldest sister has a 16-year age gap with her husband. They met when she was in her mid-20s, he also had children from a previous marriage, and they went on to have children together. They're still happily together now and the blended family worked out really well. So I know these relationships absolutely can succeed.

I also wouldn't like this age gap. I have a 10 year gap and as we've aged I realize the impact of the difference. But. It's her life. So keep your own counsel and be happy for her.

My neighbour is a very young 72 and her husband is 52, they’ve been together over for 30 years, her eldest from a previous marriage is 42.

They are a lovely couple, she is so active and fit as a flea. Her husband unfortunately was diagnosed with M.E recently so everything has changed for her. She thought it would be her that needed extra help first being the older of the two. They have done so much together, travelled all over and are so compatible.

I’d be pleased that your daughter has found someone who makes her happy and is kind and caring, I wish I could say the same for my daughter, he’s the same age and an absolute knob, no aspirations whatsoever 🤦‍♀️

Your daughter could end up with someone her own age who beats the shit out of her. Controls her to the point you never see her.

Instead you have a friendship with him. She’s happy. She has a career which he will respect. If the age difference gets too much then she’ll always have options. Have a little read on here today. It’s full of affairs, bad relationships, crappy partners who don’t do their share. Then look at what your daughter has.

I can understand your concerns completely. However, your husband is right. Leave them to it and keep quiet about your issues with it. There's nothing you can change now and it will only damage your relationship with your daughter.

Was going to say exactly this. Very wrong to put this about your daughter on a public forum. Please ask MNHQ to delete this thread.

I dont think its an either or, I think its totally reasonable to have reservations about the age gap but at this point you have to be supportive, wish them well and keep your fingers crossed.
No relationship is guaranteed success, and theres lots of positives from what you said , that they adore each other, you really like him etc
But speaking as a mum who also has a 27 year old daughter I would also have reservations if she was in a relationship with a 44 year old man. They are at different points of their lives,,will have had have different experiences.
Have they spoken about having DC of their own? Sometimes if one partner already has DC , particularly if they are older they aren't interested in starting again and having babies. Of course your DD may say atm shes not interested in having children but this could change. Im a similar age to you and I cant imagine starting over with a baby ( although would be biologically impossible now lol) but thats what her partner maybe doing in a few years time if they decide to have DC together. So that would be a concern, also when youre 44 you are still young and active but in all likelihood his health will decline and he will start to feel his age long before she does, and that could led to issues later on.
But ultimately youve said your piece, shes made her decision, he sounds a kind and decent man, you just need to congratulate them and keep smiling and bite your tongue at this stage.
But of course its not unreasonable to be concerned.

This exactly - if OP has posted accurate information her uni and occupation is named, along with her age🙈

I think the health point is quite individual and not necessarily determined by age. I’m honestly not too worried about the idea of him being older and my daughter potentially becoming a carer one day. Anyone can become ill or need support at any age, including in relationships where there is little or no age gap.

My sister’s husband is 16 years older than her. They met when she was in her mid-20s, and they’ve been together ever since. She isn’t his carer in that sense at all. It really comes down to the individual people and their health rather than just the number of years between them.

My own experience has probably shaped my view on this too. My father was still hiking up the 3 peaks in his 80s, ran London marathon 3 times, so I don’t automatically associate being older with being frail or needing care. My parents are now 98 and 92, and they still live independently together in their bungalow. My mother isn’t caring for my father, and they don’t have a carer coming in. My siblings and I visit regularly to make sure they’re doing okay, but they’re both very capable and healthy.

Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume that an age gap automatically means one partner will end up caring for the other. Health, lifestyle and genetics all play a huge part, and every couple is different.

My concerns aren’t anything to do with they’re just not rational concerns not sure why I care I just thought she’d have met someone her age/similar but I just have to accept this is who she loves. She’s very happy, and at the end of the day he is a great guy. Maybe I’m just prude

Relax ages have been switched slightly
Is the post against MN rules I didn’t know it was ? I guess they can delete if they believe it’s broken the rules but I don’t think I have.