AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

I always find this an add thing to post because the facts show that

a) women are much more likely to get seriously ill in their fifties then men, which means in theory men are more likely to become carers earlier in same age partnerships, and

b) statistically men have a high chance of leaving women when they need care

So an age gap partnership is actually much more secure and grounded for women and ironically as the man is older and will die earlier they might actually spend fewer of their years in a care role themselves while losing absolutely nothing in terms of the care they are offetd

Of course this is just stats and every relationship is different - my mum is quite a bit older than my dad and they’ve been married almost 50 years - but even still.

Society carries so many assumptions and expectations, and really only the two people in a relationship will actually know how well it functions for them

Totally agree with this. My parents are both in their seventies and very fit, healthy and fully independent. I imagine things might look different in 10 years time but old age doesn’t start at 55 ffs!

Just check she has had the kid talk with him. He may not want anymore and her hormones may kick in and that may become an issue. Otherwise she's a grown up and it seems like a great relationship.

You can have reservations and still leave them to it.

I know some of the comments on here are shocking. That’s why I name changed. MNetters really hate age gap relationships. MNetters don’t like older people.

Where I live, the average man is in his late 70s, early 80s. We have such a vibrant community.

We are all in higher economic bands and can pursue good health and lifestyle choices.

If people look after themselves and take responsibility for their health, it is not all decrepit, sickness and misery. We are living active lives and sometimes in better health than those younger.

But I suppose if your experience is ill health (and yes I do know that not all ill health is due to lifestyle choices, we have disabled people in our community too. We are also very good at looking out for each other too, because caring is about more than caring for just your nearest and dearest) and degradation the idea of caring for anyone other than yourself must be quite terrifying.

There are some elephants in the room here that get skirted around. We know why middle-aged men like young women. Pandering to this is not good for women in our society. Hence the mention of lots of barristers leaving their families for the younger model. The patriarchy will only change when attitudes around this are equal between men and women. If women refused to do this, it would create a much more equal society. Older women would also feel much more respected. Women in age gap relationships feel very safe in this context as they know they will not be replaced. They decide on this and accept the other compromises.

To be fair most of the comments are supportive of the daughter.

It sounds from your replies that you have answered your own question. You don't have any concerns other than his age and your daughter is a sensible, capable adult. It sounds like they have a great relationship and can hopefully overcome any hurdles that come their way, age gap related or not.

There is nothing to gain from you saying or doing anything so just appreciate your daughter's happiness and make peace with it.

Oh don't be so ridiculous! She's 27 not 17! Ahe has a good career and is educated, she's not a vulnerable adult! Me and my husband have the same age gap. I was 24 when we got together, I suppose you think that makes him a predator too? My parents didn't mention the age gap once and we are still together and have children 11 years later. You're comment us offensive to children who are abused predators. Grow up!

I mean I never understand why a young childless woman would want a man with the baggage of an ex-wife and children.

But it’s her choice. And she is 27. A mature adult. Not a teenager. But yeah I would not want a son in law near my age so I feel you!

Does she know she's likely going to be his carer and when he retires she will be supporting him financially. Any wealth he accumulates will be left to his children, not her.

19 year gap between me and DH and been married nearly 20 years. Leave her be

What exactly is your concern @ElatedAqua?

You say he’s a great guy.
You say she is very intelligent and knows what she is doing.
You say they are aligned on whether they want children or not.

You say you’re not concerned about her becoming a carer in his old age.
You also cite an example of a similar age gap in your one family that had been very successful.

What is it that you are worried about?

Why does retirement mean supporting him? My DH is retired and his income is still larger than mine. Also, if he stays fit and healthy there is no need for a carer

I think if an age gap in a relationship doesn't bother to 2 people in a relationship it shouldn't bother anyone else.

It is a bit of a stereotype, I agree. The middle-aged man trading in his wife for a younger model is a tale as old as time. But she is a grown adult and seems they knew each other before things started. So hopefully they will he happy.

(Also maybe he will be so grateful for a younger woman that the chances of him trading her in are low!)

There are many supportive, thankfully and I wish your DD well, @ElatedAqua. I really do hope things work out and that your DD is happy in her forth coming marriage.

I can only say that my age gap marriage is a happy place and for the many happy years we have spent together the onset of old age
of my DH, is just the natural progression of life and that I am able to care for him is a pleasure. He is my husband!

But some comments are quite shocking, negative and may instil greater concern in OP. I have offered advice from lived experience which I hope offers some balance.

Why do people keep saying if you stay fit & healthy there is no need for a carer?! You can be fit and healthy and get cancer, have a stroke, get MND, dementia etc

I’m not projecting at all. She said she’s unhappy and is dreading his retirement.

This.
my parents had an 18 year age gap. First marriage for both. It seemed ok, though I had school friends ask if he was my dad or grandad.
But when he retired felt like it changed as she was still working, he seemed to age suddenly.
They were together for 30 years but she ended up on her own for more than 30 years. I always felt he had the best deal really.
there’s nothing you can do. It’s her life and her choice.

Zip the lip!!!!!

There are also tattle life and Reddit pages that post threads from here and take the piss out of them so yeah be careful

It is her choice. You aren’t unreasonable for being concerned. It’s all good while he is still relatively young. I have a couple of friends who have a similar age gap, now we’re all mid to late 40’s, their partners are in their 60’s.
I know in their situation, both older partners are nearing retirement and feeling the effects of age.

What bothers me in these scenarios is its always the men who are older

And yeah when shes 60 hes going to be 77. Like....what?