AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

For what it’s worth, my husband is 15 years older than me and we celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary this past Thursday. Aso, 2 grown DC.

You can have all the reservations you want, but your daughter is a grown woman and she’s entitled to make her own relationship decisions.

This is a really weird post in the context of your op. Is this actually some kind of reverse or weird agenda to tell everyone it's no problem if their DDs get into relationships with older men?

That’s good OP, that you have swapped it up a bit. Because that would be awful for your DD. But I get your concerns for your daughter, it’s not what you would pick but as he is a nice man and she is an adult you have to trust her judgment

No I just posted because It’s something that has been bothering me for some reason not sure why I care as long as she is happy.

I just want her to be happy at the end of the day. I guess I just thought it was a fling and they’d end things now they’re engaged and has asked me to help plan the wedding. They have not decided on a date yet but they both want it to be in 2027. It’s all becoming quite real and I feel awful and somewhat guilty for not necessarily taking her relationship seriously.

It's only natural to formulate an image of your ideal son in law in your head. I've certainly done that. However, you have to remember that that's your image only. Your daughter could actually have had the same image, but 44yr old got there first. He's mature, been round the block and knows how to treat a woman. See that as a good thing OP. She has managed to avoid potential flaky 27yr olds who may not know how to make a woman happy. They are in love, he treats her very well (and he'll work hard for her given that his children dote on her too) she's happy and you just have to hope it lasts forever.

He's not a nice man, he's a predator

I agree with this.
If she is happy, you like him and they both want children I would let go of your worries.
My dh is 10 years younger than me but we’ve been together for 30 years and in some ways it feels like we are the same age.
I would be a little less happy if my ds was in a relationship with someone that much older but only because I would like him to have children of his own because I know the joy of having mine.
All I ever wanted for my children was happiness so if the partner they have chosen gives them that then you need to accept their choices.

Yes, young people in their 20’s never imagine life as an older person and whilst everything’s hunky dory in your forties she’s no idea about the future and being stuck caring for a sick old man and not able to socialise, travel and enjoying herself.

Hopefully, she’ll ensure she’s financially secure when he leaves all assets to his kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a parent I too would be concerned about what the future is going to look like for her. I'm 45 now with a 6 yo and cannot imagine (nor would want to) be thinking about potentially caring for a 62 yo husband on top of working ft and with a young child and two much older children. My husband is only 50 and already falling apart at the seams!! 😄

I know a couple where she is 27 and he is 52. I often wonder what her parents think about it.

I do understand the point you are making about not always being able to imagine the future in your 20s, but I do think my daughter is a very sensible person and she has studied law and works in the legal field so she’s not someone who goes into things without thinking them through.

I also genuinely don’t think this relationship is about money or assets. She has her own career and she owns her own home, which she bought herself. It’s not a situation where she’s relying on him financially or where he’s the only one bringing security into the relationship. We can’t really compare a 27 yr olds assets to a 44 yr olds assets.

As for inheritance, she absolutely loves his children and has a lovely relationship with them. She sees them as part of her life, not as an inconvenience to getting their fathers assets they’re his children they will get his assets no question about that.

I just didn’t take the relationship seriously as it’s not who’d I’d imagined my daughter with. He’s a great guy DH and I have nothing bad to say about it. I didn’t think he was in his 40s meeting him I thought he was in his mid 30s so at least he’s taken care of himself still has a full head of hair etc. It is who my daughter loves and I need to be happy for her.

It’s actually not that identifying. This seems to happen with barristers A LOT. I can think of three male barristers I know who are onto their second marriages, generally with much younger female barristers or solicitors. Often the relationship does work out, as long as the women maintain their own careers so continue to be interesting intellectual contributors to the marriage. Whereas the first marriages seem to break when the first wife was a SAHM who ceased to engage with the men on the same plane, as they saw it.

So she was 24/25 when he started seeing her?

Feel as though this is individual and how healthy someone is and whether they’ve taken care of themselves my father is 98 and still sharp as ever living life to the fullest. He’s not hiking up Ben Nevis like he was in his 80s but I think he’s doing pretty well.

You can become a caregiver at any age I could become a caregiver for my husband and we are the exact same age just a month apart.

@ElatedAqua But obviously the older you are the more likely you are to see decline in terms of your health/motility/general abilities etc. Not so bad if you are on that trajectory together, but I imagine rather frustrating if one of you is fit and well with loads of energy and the other one considerably less so.
Do you think they will want children together? He is 44 now already.
My husband will tell you that being an older parent is far from easy (he was 44 when he finally became a dad - not through choice).

I think I would be concerned that in future just as she is supporting you and your DH through you older years she’ll also have to do that with her DH so it means her caring responsibilities will be longer than in a lesser age gap.

What do you mean supporting us ? That wasn’t what I was concerned about. Maybe I haven’t explained it properly in my original post.

My parents are in their 90s we don’t ‘support them’ and there’s 4 of us they’re healthy and capable of doing things themselves. We do go to seem them, take them for food and on holidays etc but I wouldn’t call that support I’ve been doing that with my parents since I was in my 20s I’m close with them. The only support we did about 8 years ago was tell them to sell their 6 bedroom house as there’s no point 2 elderly people to live a 6 bed house with stairs etc so they bought a bungalow bungalow instead and got a gardener and a cleaner who comes in twice a month.

I am hoping DH and I stay as healthy as our parents as it wouldn’t be fair for our 4 four adult children to be ‘supporting’ us although I’m not really sure what that means. I’ve been very lucky that my parents are still sharp and like doing things on their own. I don’t think they’d want their 5 adult children to be ‘supporting’ them. Unless seeing them often counts but we’ve always seen our parents often that’s just the norm to us.

@ElatedAqua it’s fine at the moment and they’ve many good years ahead of them but fast forward to when your daughter is in her late 40s and her H is nearing his 70s, this is when this relationship could be an issue. She could find herself stuck as a carer or just restricted when she’s meant to be living life to the full during her best years.

No, I wouldn’t be happy that my DD chose a man 17 years older than her no matter how nice he is.

I really feel for you OP. The age gap is huge. When she's his age - young - ish middle sge - he'll be an OAP. Assuming they have children, he'll be old when they're still young. And she will probably end up as his carer. But she's intelligent enough surely to know all this. So there's probably nothing you can do.

Most people do not live into their 90s, and if they do they are generally not in a great condition. You’ve been fortunate with your parent’s health.

Most people begin declining in their 70s, some even earlier, with one health problem or another.
The average lifespan for men in the UK is 79 years, women slightly longer.

It’s highly likely your DD will be looking after an elderly H by the time she reaches 53. I’m almost 53 and still feel very young to enjoy everything life offers. This may not be an option for your DD.

At 27 you don’t think that far ahead though.

He sounds predatory. I wouldn't be happy if my daughter in her twenties married someone who already had children. He sounds selfish he should let her find someone her own age to build a life with not just sort of tack her onto his own life.

Knows how to treat a woman? He’s divorced! So he obviously doesn’t know.

I wouldn't be thrilled either but there's nothing you can do, she's an adult. I'm the same age as you and honestly, I'd be secretly sad that my DD was spending her youth with a middle-aged man, but it's her choice.