AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

They both want children I’ve mentioned this.

I think you’re judging, my parents didn’t have me till their 40s my father was 46 and was a very physically active father. I think as long as you’re healthy not fat or obese, not a smoker etc you can be a father in your 40s.

These are not my concerns. We will just have to see how it all goes. He’s a great guy and I don’t have anything bad to even say about him. End of the day they love each other and that’s all that matters.

This caregiver argument is individual. Anyone can become a caregiver at any age. My husband and I are the exact same age I could end up having to take care of him. It’s not necessarily always an age thing. My parents are both in their 90s live alone, and they’re healthy neither of them is the caregiver. My fathers 98 and still sharp and quick witted sometimes does more fitness/exercise than me and my husband and we aim to work out at least 3 times a week.

She’s 27 hopefully she’ll be okay and if not she has to come to terms with that.

I can’t tell the future. He already has wonderful children, we’ve met them, they’re lovely kids and they really do adore her so if she can’t have children I think she’ll be fine.

So your daughter lost her father when she was 7 and says she prefers older men. Okay...

Also he might want or expect her to 'retire' at 43 (when he is 60) when she is in her career prime.

That's quite a leap. Plenty of women prefer older partners without it being because they lost a parent young. Sometimes a preference is just a preference. My sister liked older men and our father is very much alive.

She loves her father, we are all very much in touch with his family they came to my wedding, have met my husband plenty of times, we see them quite often. People die I can’t control that my children’s father passed away?

@ElatedAqua I married (the first time) at 24. We went through multiple miscarriages and then losses before having our first born. The difference was we had time to play with.
He's 44 now.
I guess it depends how important having children is for your daughter.

She’s a barrister, he’s also a barrister the prime is actually in your 40s and 50s he’s not going to want her to retire.

I think these are just assumptions based on age which is quite odd.

He’s not some 90 year old man expecting her to be a stay at home wife he knows her career is important and has always respected that. They bonded over their careers, they both love their work I don’t even see him retiring for a long time. It’s a career you can do for a while if you’re still sharp.

I don’t think she cares that much about age otherwise she wouldn’t be with him if she was that worried about it.

They both want to have children. We can’t see the future maybe she won’t be able to have any I do not know.

My parents were in their 40s when they had my siblings and I, my mother had her last child at 47.

I dont think plenty of younger women do "like older men" these days. That kind of started trailing off with Gen X. Not saying it doesnt happen of course it does but I just find it very surprising that a Gen Z woman would actively proclaim she has a thing for older men

@ElatedAqua Having a successfully pregnancy at 47 is very rare.
I had my last at 39 and it's already exhausting now with a 6 yo and working, especially in peri!
And obviously a pregnancy later in life for your daughter would mean father is even older. When she is 40, for example, he will be 57!!

I think you might have misinterpreted what I said or what I meant. I might have not explained it properly. It was in response to a previous comment it wasn’t a blanket statement and you’ve taken it as a blanket statement. I said plenty of women like older men without it being because their father passed away when they were young. Those two things aren’t always a correlation. I’m not saying that loads and loads of women like older men.

I am not sure why but this seems quite common in the legal field at least in the barrister world plenty of really well educated gen z seem to be involved with older men.

Yeah I’m not saying it’s common that was just an example. I do not think my daughter will be having children into her 40s aha. My parents had us later in life and they’re very active people. Every person is different I do not know what will happen in 10 years but I do not see 57 as old but my perspective is different because my father was 57 when I was 10/11 and was still active.

There is really nothing you can do about it. I wouldn’t like it either. If she wants more than one child he’ll be close to 50 with a small child and toddler. It’s not your life.

Why are you a prude for raising this?

A lot of what you say makes zero sense to me. You're concerned about the age gap but seemingly only because you didn't take the relationship seriously from the get go. Not for any concrete reason

Very odd.

Alright

🤣🤣

Very cogent response!

I am 40 and single, I wish Id been so lucky as to have found a great guy who seems like a good dad and is lovely and has a stable job when I was 27, the only thing to double check is whether he’s open to more children if she wants them

Your husband is right.

There is 16 years between me and my DH. I was 22 when we met and he was 38. I gave birth to our son when he was 40. We are still very very happy 25 years on, in fact our friends often say we are sickeningly loved up considering how long we have been together. We still hold hands, we love being together and he still makes my stomach do a flip flop when I think about him. He’s my everything and I’m his.

Your daughter is hair and seemingly with a good and decent man. Leave her be.

Well then, it sounds like you love him, have no concerns, think his age isn't an issue, and you think anyone who can understand you having reservations is being judgemental...

So...why exactly did you post?

Here we go the age gap police are out again.
Dont worry whether she's happy, or whether he's a nice person to her, just stick the knife in about the age and alienate her.

Apologies if I’ve missed-read. But you said you’re 52, and if your DD is nearing 30 that makes you early 20’s when she was born? Just thought that perhaps your apprehension is rooted in your expectations of her taking a different path - marriage/children at a young age (and 27 is without doubt the new 21 in terms of how old women are when they start a family these days! )

I know, why would an OP with no issue at all post? Maybe it's helping her by putting her in the position of defending the relationship? It's all a bit pointless otherwise!

I understand your concerns. I worked with someone for years whose husband was 17 years older than her. It was great until he got to late fifties. Since then she’s had no life due to first his grumpy old man phase, second his age related health issues. She had to give up work to care for him in her late fifties. She’s has zero life for about 20 years now. It’s not a life I’d choose for my own children. By the time she’s free of being his nurse, she’ll most likely have age related issues herself. Age gaps like these - the happy years are front loaded.

I think she simply feels bad because she didn't take the relationship seriously BECAUSE of the age difference. Imo weird thing to post about, but hey 😊🙃