AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

You're not being unreasonable. There's older (five to 10 years max) and then there's older (old enough to be her father). And age is not just a number. Look at a 70-year-old vs a 53-year-old - age affects physical health, mental flexibility, and all sorts of things. They might be fine now, but in another 15 years, that age gap will likely start feeling big, and only get bigger.

He's already had his children, and at his age, he's probably going to start 'ageing' both physically and mentally in the next several years. He'll slow down and get more set in his ways, while your daughter is still in her early thirties.

Really, she deserves a younger man who's still got loads of great qualities, but she's picked this one, and as an adult, there's nothing you can do.

It's a shame though, as even if it works out perfectly, long term your daughter may end up either not having children she wants (if she does) because he already has kids and feels too old for more, or having children with an older father who's already done it all once before and is much more tired this time around. Also, she'll end up dealing with looking after an old man when she's still young enough to feel stifled by that role. Then he'll almost certainly die when she's in her sixties, and at that age she may not feel like starting over with a new relationship, and will end up spending her last years alone.

Huge age gaps just aren't a good idea. But at least he seems like a nice guy, so it's not all bad! It could be much worse, really.

Although reading through your later posts, OP, I'm very confused as to why you have reservations, as it seems you share none of the concerns that other posters do, and think they'll have no age-related problems at all!

So what exactly is your issue?

I know, even by Mumsnet standards, this thread is an absolute shitshow.

They might be more unhappy when they are older? So are loads of couples who are the same age? So what? Then they get divorced. They are both wealthy professionals and adults, she's not going into indentured servitude.

I mean I don’t think there is much you can or should do about it. Anecdotally though. My aunt married someone 18 years older than her. Shes dodging retirement because shes going to end up caring for her 80 year old husband.

Based on what info from the OP, who says she likes him and her daughter is happy?! Who also says he has a good relationship with the mother of his children, who's girlfriend has a good relationship with his ex and his children. He sounds like a pretty decent human being to me.

I can't believe people think he's a predator based on anything the OP has written. Are all middle aged men in relationships with younger women predators? She doesn't sound like a naive young girl.

i better dump my boyfriend immediately because he's obviously a predator too🙄

I would have similar concerns, blended families, age he is having dc again & what the future looks like when age gaps become more apparent. However you have to let her make her own way.

Feel as though this is individual and how healthy someone is and whether they’ve taken care of themselves

You can take care of yourself but still get ill, happens to people everyday.

Why do so many MNers imagine that the wheels fall off people when they are in their 50s/60s/70s? I'm heading for 70, some of my friends are in their 70s, all very active and pretty healthy. My ex is 10 years younger than me and I consider myself healthier than he is. My 77 year old neighbour works full time in a very manual job, my 82 year old neighbour is fitter than I am, I saw a 100 year old man walking into town this morning.

This woman is not a dewy eyed teen, I'm sure she knows what she is doing.

As for her partner being a predator as a couple of pp insist - get a grip!! The small mindedness of some MNers is off the scale.

And here's another example of the small minded people I mentioned!! Of course the divorce must be all his fault 🙁

Thank goodness my world is mostly filled with people with more intelligence than some of the posters on here.

@SquirrelGGstatistics & their own experiences I would guess.

I think as long as she can tell you if they’ll both be retiring at the same age or same time and how the second part of their marriage post him hitting retirement age will look then there’s not much you can do. MIL was left a widow in her 50s.

It’s a hard path eventually. When her kids are still at home she could well end up in a caring role for both you and him. So do your best not to add to her burden. Organize your own old age well.

This ⬆️

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

Both.

YANBU to have some reservations, but there is nothing to be gained from saying anything, so you need to accept it.

As you say he's a nice guy it sounds like there are no real concerns, other than that you feel she could find someone younger. But she might not want to. Even if she broke up with him, if she likes older men then her next partner will be similar.

She's intelligent by the sound of it and I'm sure she is well aware of all the implications of having an older partner. She will not break up with him because of anything you say, so really you have a choice to accept it or become distant.

I agree. And she’s your daughter.

Your DD will make a good carer for him when he gets really old and needs assistance. He's a smart guy, thinking ahead.

I would be worried too OP, but, as you've said, you just have to accept it. It's not your choice. If she didn't get to make her own life, mistakes and brilliant decisions both, it wouldn't be her life.

What on earth are you on about Hollyhocksand peons???Age gap is exactly the same 17 yrs. Perhaps it’s your maths that needs attention!

A carer.

At 44.

🙄

OTOH the are both barristers he could retire in his 50's and be the SAHP. It's a fairly big age gap but not enormous. They are both well into adulthood. I wouldn't love the stepparenthood bit but shes an intelligent adult making her own decisions.

My aunt and uncle have a 20 year age gap and have been together for 50+ years now. He is 97 and she’s 77! They’ve been so happy together.

As long as they are on the same page about wanting kids, travel plans, retirement ages etc, I don’t think it’s an issue.

This kind of post makes me laugh and has inspired me to name change and respond.

The age gap between my husband and myself is a number of years more than @ElatedAqua‘s daughters.

We have been together for 20 years now. My DH is in his twilight years now and yes I do care for him. But he is much younger than his years, he is active and in good health.

My DH did not have any intention of “finding himself a carer” when we met and to suggest this is the intention of the OPs DDs fiancé is disparaging and judgemental.

I do think my DH is very fortunate compared to couples of the same age who ail and get old together, unable to care for each other because both are just about able to look after themselves.

Healthy lifestyle is very important to my DH and myself. We have a good life. We love and respect each other. My DH is a good man not an age.

In my experience caring for someone you love as they age is a wonderful thing. I actually shudder when I think about the life my DH would have if he was married to a woman the same age as him.

We laugh about it and my DH is aware of how being married to a much younger woman enhances his life.

Never in our time together have I ever felt

1. I made a mistake by marrying an older man.
2. That my life would have been better had I married someone closer to my age.
3. Resented having to care for him as he ages.

I think more women should give it ago and as a society we need to be less ageist. We are all living longer.

I had a similar age age gap to exDP. He abused me. One of the reasons he managed to do it was because he was so much older. My family also thought he was a lovely man.

But yes they are both adults and age is just a number.

i suppose I am saying that it certainly can work but it is more risky due to the power imbalance.

Can I ask gently, are you a little jealous?

Is she depressed about it? Or are you projecting your thoughts about what her life should be like onto her?