to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

@Twile I'm not getting your point (as a mother of older teens/twenties) we never allowed electronics upstairs until they got to uni and we told them what time to be in etc as they are living in our house.

That's just normal parenting.

Don't want to derail any further, but don't want to be rude and ignore a question addressed to me.

I expect it was a similar sort of thought process as when you read my post, didn't understand why I posted it, and commented on it.

I wouldnt really think of teens with things like anorexia, nd, psychotic episodes as out if control in the way op meant.

One if my teens is has nd and has been incredibly challenging to parent but it didnt really occur to me that what was meant teens who get too drunk or vape or don't come home when they said.

I can see school refusal is heavily associated with nd but more on younger than 16-18 and verbal abuse can come out a fight flight response though.

Im also often amazed that so many people cite 'MH problems' for kids behaving badly. They're not necessarily mentally ill, with a mental health disorder

So much 'mental health' difficulties are just behavioural, they're learned behaviors, habitual, purposeful, tailored to obtain something or remove something.

Hmmmmm

that's what your title some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?
comes across

Teenagers I know can be goofy, incredibly funny, bright, driven, frustrating, interesting, with fascinating points of view, self centred, know it all, argumentative, with extraordinary lack of common sense, and the strongest willpower but an absolute pleasure to have around . They're just young people, not always easy to manage, but nowhere near your description.

Anorexia, OCD, CPTSD, self harm, suicidal idealisation, severe anxiety, depression etc are not “learned behaviors, habitual, purposeful, tailored to obtain something or remove something.”

They are deeply difficult conditions for families and children to manage. I wouldn’t wish any of them on anybody.

As a 16-18 year old I agree with this thread.

Let’s apply that to all teens and they will just meekly do as they are told.

Lol

I am very lucky to have an absolutely lovely 16-year-old 🥰 who is kind, sweet, hard-working, bubbly, sporty and has never even touched alcohol or cigarettes let alone drugs.

However, that's just pure luck as far as I'm concerned. If she was out of control what realistically could I do to stop her? You can't lock them up or physically stop them from doing anything.

if you wait until their 16th birthday to make rules, you will struggle that's the point.

I just think its a case of “there but for the grace of God go I.” Anyone who has had the good fortune not to have had a child with mental health issues, challenging behaviour or whatever else should have the humility and self awareness to recognise that they are blessed. I have two close friends going through different flavours of this with their teenage daughters now and its utterly terrifying. These are good people doing their best.

So much of this is down to luck. Boundaries, rules, demanding respect are a baseline. They are not a lucky charm and they won’t make a disturbed child well or an angry child happy.

I would never dream of dispensing sanctimony on someone going through something so difficult.

Thank you for your input. It is great to hear from an actual teen!

Yes if I start it at 5, guaranteed they will follow it at 18.

I don't do drugs. Lots of the white people I knew did it and openly admitted to it and made it seem like they were cool.

I think it is easy to say that if you set clear boundaries then it will be fine.

It is easy to say that you just need to make them go to school but how do you do that when they are bigger and stronger than you.

Also, clear boundaries, we did that with school and then Covid hit and suddenly they were allowed to not go to school. Doesn’t matter the reason behind it as their brain isn’t an adult brain so may not act accordingly.

Teenagers are figuring themselves out and creating a separate identity and yes you do need to set boundaries and provide guidance but they may not necessarily follow and that’s when it’s really tough.

Remind me how old your DC are ?
Anyway out of control is hugely subjective.

But not all teens do these things. My DGD is 15, she has not done any of the things you mention and I know many teens that haven’t also. I didn’t, my DD didn’t. Yes there are teens that do all of the things you say they do, but I think there is more to it than them being teens, surely.

To say that those of us that have not experienced this behaviour in our experience of bringing up teens doesn’t make sense because we have done and do.

When PPs offer this advice it comes from a place of their experience not from a random place of having no idea.

It’s also working for me.

I think every family is different. Mine have now left home, but they were pretty easy teens. We remained close and it was my favourite period.
Yes we had the occasional eye roll but that was it.

What irritates me is when people say ‘lol, you think your kid doesn’t vape or smoke but they are’ etc. I knew my kids and their views on drugs, smoking etc. I generally knew where they were, and their friends etc. So I knew they weren’t vaping. Yet people here claimed that I was naive. Some of us have kids who hang out with friends at home, are a bit nerdy, don’t take drugs or have under age sex. It’s frustrating that people assume they know more.

Anyway, I never took full credit for my kids being ‘well-behaved’. It was partly my husband’s calm genes (all the kids on his side are easy), some boundaries at home, like-minded friends, various privileges, and a whole dollop of luck. I don’t think I was tested that much as a parent of teens really.

It all started to kick off for mine around 15/16.And we’re talking about teens today. Life was very different back in the 80s and 90s pre phones.

Amazing!

Agree wholeheartedly with this! I joke I trained my son like a dog when he was younger but it’s paying off so far. He’s nearly 15, if he chose to go against my wishes I’d not stand a chance against stopping him.

hes a good kid for the most part and we can have discussions on why x, y or z is not happening and we can see both sides of the argument. He also does not have full control of his phone. It has parental settings on it, if he wants an app he has to ask my consent to download it and it comes to my phone for approval. Ditto his screen time and app limits.

if I say no he knows there is a reason why and a valid reason I rarely say no just because I feel like saying no there is always a justification as to why it’s a no.

i appreciate having 1 child does make things easier as I don’t have sibling dynamics to contend with and he probably does have more freedom than some of his other friends but I’ve been the call he’s made when him and his friends have done something stupid and I’ve gone to get them no questions asked and got them out a sticky situation.

I just hope we can continue the rest of the teenage years the way we are now.

33, 27 and 23.

How can you be reminded of something you haven’t yet been told?