to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

No one is saying all teens do these things. Also don’t be so confident that your DGD has not ever done any of these things. She is hardly going to do it in front of you.

it's ironic that the same people insist on putting all the teens in one box, as if they are not individual people with completely different personalities.

Plenty of teens have just no interest in hanging out and smoking or vaping. It does not even make them "perfect" but some kids are simply busy elsewhere.

It must make people feel better if they delude themselves thinking their kids are the rule instead of a sad exception.

The point of the thread is not all teens do this.

The point is that when someone posts that they are at the end of their rope with teen behaviour, they get smug messages like "well MINE doesnt behave like this" " have you tried turning off the router?" " your should have set firm rules as kids this is obviously a parenting issue".

Thats not what the poster is looking for so to add it to a post feels like salt in the wounds. Like im glad your kid is well behaved, well done, ill put a sticker on your star chart later. But its not helpful. And to give parenting advice on a situation you have not experienced is ridiculous.

Ive never had post partum depression. I wouldn't go on a thread of someone who has and said "have you tried just not being sad?" or " well IVE never felt like that after the birth of my children".

I mean even this thread is ridiculous. Its gone from poor parenting, denying it even happens to attributing the good kids to being raised by Indian parents.

And apparently white people take drugs and irish love the drink. As an Irish person I find that stereotype so offensive, imagine if I came on here and made comments about how another nationality raised their kids. Its ridiculous.

@Twile It also depends on the children. I have got two teenage boys who are like night and day. While one is very "easy" to parent the other one is a fucking nightmare. But he's autistic and has medic resistant OCD so obviously we have to take that into account as well. He respects our rules, always says thank you and really appreciates things so not entitled. But he can go off screaming horrors while he's in his OCD mode- a tyran with small stuff that stresses him out. I clearly see he's not in control so what should I do- punish him for being ill? Chuck him out?

here we go..

don’t be so confident that your DGD has not ever done any of these things.

It didn't take long. 😂

Yes that is exactly what I am proposing. Chucking out and punishing ill kids. 👏

I have 2 DD's, 19 and 18, we give them poor freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes, but the ground rules since they were young haven't changed. You definitely have to change your approach, but I see too many people nowadays making excuses for poor parenting and behaviour.

I don’t know, mine was very well behaved but there was no way on Earth I could take his phone away, not because he would throw a tantrum but because he needed it for everything from paying the bus, checking his school timetable and deadlines and of course, keep in touch with his friends as nobody goes and knocks on doors or ring these days… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, that is that kind of response that is so irritating. Some people post as if they think every single teenager is vaping and taking drugs and getting drunk and having underage sex. Do they really think that?

There are many kids who actually enjoy family life, would feel extremely stressed if they were putting in a situation where they were encouraged to drink or smoke, and they are happy just being at home with friends and family.

Nobody is saying every teen is into vaping, taking drugs and getting drunk.

But neither can anyone be 100% confident that their teen has never done anything.

That's what happens in most of my friend's children's households. I'm sorry you have badly behaved kids, but I'm still not sure what the point of your thread is.

I see the opposite advice on here 🤷‍♀️. My second DD had a year of defiance, school refusal at 14-15. I’m always drawn to threads about it because it was such a brutal year but, 4-5 years on, it was just a blip. She said she’s pretty much forgotten about it. I, on the other hand, attribute some of my greying hair to it.

On Mumsnet, by far and away the most common advice for school refusers of that age is to assume they’re burnt out, not to make them go, reduce all demand and let them find their own way back when they’re ready. According to MN letting them having their phones is better, because they self-regulate through them. Somehow, according to MN, teens who scroll all day in their rooms with no sense of purpose and no real life social contact have better outcomes.

This reminds me of some friends who once told me they were such smug parents, raising a child perfectly until they got the second one.

Even if you could do perfect parenting consistently and exactly the same with each child, their personality, circumstances and environment you cannot control ever in full.

Well, yes, in the sense that nobody can be 100% sure about any human on this earth doing or not doing anything. But some of us can be pretty sure that our kids aren't taking drugs, but that is never taken at face value. Where if someone said I’m pretty sure my child is vaping, that would automatically be believed.

My DD is in her 40’s now and did most of those things 16 -18. I can honestly say it was the worst time of my life. She said to me a couple of weeks ago “I’m sorry mum, I was such a dick at 16”. So any parent going through this right now take heart and believe good friends and family when they tell you your child will ‘come right’ at some point.

Why do you think I have badly behaved kids or even kids at all?

I’m sorry you don’t understand the point of thread. Maybe leave it to those who do?

🙄

The point of the thread is people with no teenage experience being all sanctimonious and judgemental while suggesting strategies that could only work with younger children.

At least that is my understanding of it. If you think that someone has no right to talk about this, don’t bother with this thread, just go and find one you can relate to better.

I am a DM, a DGM, a DAunt, a Dsis and many more. I have parented, mentored and guided many children and teenagers over many years. My DD is 33, my nieces and nephews and grand nieces and grand nephews are of similar age and younger than my DD. I have been integral in all of their lives along with their parents, my siblings and relations and we have not had any kicking off at around 15.

I am not saying that all is perfect but let’s not accept or pretend that all teens teens are

“staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules”.

Let’s also accept that if you do not experience this in your own experience of parenting teens, to make the claim that these parents don’t have a clue, is a bit clueless in itself.

My point is that there is more to it than them just being teenagers.

I suspect the posters advising “take the phone away” etc. are those who have enforced firm boundaries from a young age and have children who know they mean it and will follow through with consequences. I say this as an ND parent of ND kids before anyone jumps on me to say “but neurodivergence…”

Obviously it’s not going to work the same way for permissively parented teens who are used to ruling the roost and having their every need catered to.

My son was a nightmare pre- teen /teenager.

He school refused and lashed out and self harmed if we 'parented' in a common sense way - that we had done since he was born.

He broke TVs and Iphones and whatever he could get his hands on to act up if we tried to make him go to school.

So we home educated. He was diagnosed ASD and anxiety disorder.

Fast forward 10 years he has just finished his second year at UCL, has a managerial level part time job.

He is also the kindest, most considerate and gentilest young adults you could meet.

So @OvernightOats101 I would have been one of those parents you judged.

Some of these responses are hilarious and highlight exactly the OPs point.

I had a 14 year old who stayed out all night, physically fought, didn’t attend school and was generally awful.

He had boundaries and consequences, but there came a point when they were impossible to enforce. He would climb out of his window and jump down off the roof.

i posted on MN at the time and talked to friends With younger DC. The advice was always just stop him. He was almost a foot taller than me and had at least 20kg on me.

Anyway he’s a young adult now, about to enter his final year at Oxbridge. Doing fine.

What child have you raised if at 16-18 they do drugs "socially". Raising someone who takes cocaine, mdma and/or ketamine.

as you are the one completely backtracking from your own OP, I don't think being that rude is necessary

Yes I agree with all this. Not all teens behave that way. Somebody posted earlier a stat of one in 10 kids at secondary school vaping. Which means that 90% are not.

There are many influences on young people these days. We parents are just one of them.