to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Well yes... of course!?
Just like some posters have no experience of driving an electric car or going to Germany. Not sure it really needs a whole thread dedicated to pointing this out, does it?

There are whole threads on all sorts of topics!

Thread police are out again 🤣

I just file it under the same category as people telling you how, when they have children, they will only eat organic food and play with plain wooden toys. I mean, maybe they will, maybe they won't (my own kids were probably 75% that way) but you can't judge someone else's reality against your own ideal.

I remember when it was all fields around here and the posters on the Teens boards (maryz?) used to complain about this. It’s a perennial problem. I think most parents of little ‘uns are sensible enough to know teenagers are different, but you always get the odd one who thinks you can silence a 16yo by threatening to put a sad face on their reward chart.

I think very few teenagers become out of control if they’ve been parented well up to that point.

Some do, but so many don’t.

Yes, usually posted by posters with much younger DC, they often pop up on teens partying and drinking threads

Agree @Twile it’s very easy to be staunch about what you will/won’t allow when you have a rosy cheeked 2 year old, or even a compliant pre-teen.

You don’t even have to have parented one to know this. I find it surprising that so many people seem not remember what they were like themselves when they were 16.

How is that remotely helpful? OP can post about this as it’s an issue for her that she wishes to discuss. You can just scroll on 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I hear you. I’ve got a 6ft AuDHD boy, it’s an absolute nightmare at times. So easy to say “just do this or that”. Reality is very different.

True, I'm not yet parenting a 16yo. All the older teens I know though are being parented, and guess what? It works! 😱

I should have added it is even worse if you have a ND teen as people make even more ridiculous suggestions.

I have a 16 year old and I’m sometimes pretty WTF at how lax some seem to view parenting this age

Yep, absolutely amazed at some of the posts on here about teens and 'you need to make him' etc etc

Particularly around interventions 'get him into therapy'

Just like that, like a sullen non communicative teen is going to sit with a therapisgt going through their darkest thoughts!

Agree. But they still feel the need to comment. People should only write if they have a similar experience. If I just had my DD I’d say sure you get a bit of back chat and one has to recognise and respect their differing opinions and choices but otherwise all good. But I had two stepsons and my own son and whoa (they just happen to be boys and her a girl I’m not saying girls can’t be nightmares and boys can’t be easy). One of my stepsons was fine but the other one and my son tested me in ways I just could not have understood until I was living it. I would never give advice to anyone if I hadn’t lived through the experience AND have something worthwhile to say. By the way my stepsons are now with kids of their own and one in particular I have had to remind what he was like as a teen when he says things about my son - they are 15 years apart - he seems to have forgotten how he was kicked out of school …he’s such an old fogey now! My son is doing ok too! They do come out the other side!

Well, yes and no.

I do have the experience btw.

No you can't stop them doing stupid things or force them to do the right things, as you say. But you can continue to try. You can talk (and yell sometimes!) and talk some more and pull all the levers that you do have available to show them that you still have standards and you won't give up.

Some people just seem to throw their hands in the air and stop bothering.

This thread is not about people throwing their hands up in the air and not bothering. It is about people giving strategies for 10 years old for teens who are 16+.

This is what some Mumsnetters failed to understand about lockdown. “Just stop the selfish arseholes flocking to the beaches, nail people in their homes!”

The government couldn’t do anything of the sort, and they knew it. They had cut police budgets to the bone, and they knew that if enough people disobeyed, the government would be powerless to stop them. They could only plead and ask the public nicely, and use fear propaganda.

But we have different parenting styles, different children attitudes, different circumstances. I did just say no, I did turn the router off, I did ground them. I didn’t allow “it” and my dc are fully functioning adults now

Great that worked for you!

I mean there are loads of childfree posters who love to weigh in on how to parent, so...

DS is now 27 and giving me helpful advice. After the adolescent period, we have become fast friends. It is quite lovely.

We had teenagers relativity recently. I am often surprised on here that some parents seem incredibly ineffective at parenting older kids. Then they often want to throw them out when they lose their way.

I find there's a strange mix on MN, parents who are ( inmo) really overprotective of smaller kids who seem to respond to threads about older DC with a ridiculous attitude that they are adults who shouldn't need an ounce of your help or attention the day they turn 18.

I’m often accused of this despite having children in (and towards the end) of this bracket. It completely shocks me the level of tolerance of bad teenage behaviour, it’s no wonder schools are in the state they are in. The thing is the boundaries need to be in place when the kids are young, before teens, and too many don’t want to say no or want to be friends. We raised ours with very clear expectations of respect for adults, for teachers, for parents, for family, whoever. I don’t think that respect needs to be “earned”. It can be lost sure, but it doesn’t need to be earned. But what do I know.