to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

In that case, maybe we should start with parenting the parents, many of who will NOT have been parented well agd will have no blue print to start with.

And I also want to highlight that maybe good parenting is essential but I does NOT mean that a child/teen who does well at school and causes no bother has been well parented.
Im thinking about the 9yo in france who was left on his own whilst his mum lived 5 km away and drops once in a while. The kid still went to school, git good grades, look presentable. It lasted 2 years before someone noticed.
Or kids like me who compensated the crap parenting (I have cptsd) and became highly independent, high achievers instead. And then collapsed mid life but no one sees that

it will be the reason why you have never heard your DD ever shout in 18 years

Lol.
i was an only child.
I can promise you that I shouted a lot. At my parents.

Shouting also doesn’t mean that the teen is an issue.

Well yes
that’s you
I was referring to another poster’s DD

I found it so smug and irritating but I kept quiet!

Never heard of anyone who has younger DC give advice to those who have older teens?

just out of interest, do you think the same kind of parenting for say, a kid who is Keith Richards versus maybe Cliff Richards?

You are barking completely up the wrong tree with your assumptions re the point OP is trying to make!
She does not have 'an issue' with advice being 'unsuitable' but she is calling out those who either have NO experience or knowledge whatsoever regarding the difficult and anti social behaviour of SOME 16-18 year olds, definitely not all! 🙄
These 'know-alls' and possibly naive folk are talking absolute twaddle in that they assume the problems are due to lack of previous control and advice etc when the children were younger or they smugly give suggestions that would only be positive and useful for much younger offspring!! 😡

Some personality types are spiky and rebellious as teens but lovely thriving adults. The personality traits that make them difficult to parent as teens and young adults often leads to incredibly successful lives and their swotty peers and siblings fail to thrive. I’ve seen this over and over.

There’s a significant difference - to use the absurd example given up thread of Germany - of coming on a thread and saying I’ve never been to Germany but make sure you don’t drink the tap water and you’ll definitely need a visa.

and coming on a thread about someone who is struggling with depression and saying I’ve never been depressed, in fact I’m really happy, have you tried smiling more and not eating chips, it’s probably your fault.

threads where posters are talking about difficulties with teens are more like the latter. We don’t need sanctimonious “advice” from people who are too busy being smug to realise that much of their own situation is down to luck. Not their superior parenting.

It’s like those parents who think they are great because their baby sleeps 🙄. Some teen bad behaviour is down to parenting but often it really isn’t and is the luck of the draw.

And those that have been through it with teens come out as better more empathetic people.

We didn’t face bad behaviour but another teen crisis that came out of nowhere. I am way more sympathetic and understanding of others struggles with teens after experiencing that.

Lol

Exactly this, if you saw a post about marital struggles you wouldn’t jump in and say oh really, that’s strange because my husband is amazing, he’s hard working, loyal, great company, does all the household chores and is generally perfect. You just be an absent, neglectful, shit wife.

Well, quite - but I've seen plenty of posts saying much the same thing! Usually followed by: "It's your fault for putting up with it." This site is completely mad sometimes.

Neither have I and nor would I, but my brothers both smoke weed. I do know where I could have got drugs when I lived in a house share and someone there started dealing drugs from his bedroom, which was fun (not.)

I used to refuse to go to school (or rather I'd go to school and then skip lessons.) Bullying, mental health issues and undiagnosed autism might have had something to do with that.

Ime, it is often teens who have experienced trauma (through no fault of their parents, necessarily) who go off the rails.

I have 3 teenagers, DD18, DS16 and DS15. The eldest and youngest are very compliant easy going children, they are easy to parent. My middle child is very different. I suspect he has PDA. He has been stubborn and strong willed since he was 3. He has always tested boundaries. I have to parent my children differently. With the other 2 I can simply ask them to do or not do something and it rarely results in a disagreement but my other child said to me last week during a discussion that his way of dealing with things is to wear me down and break me.
He can be a lovely child but he takes all of my patience to parent him.

Minimizing bad behaviour starts at an early age. A child doesn't wake up at 16 and change from an easy going child to one that's off the rails. That behaviour starts slowly and must be dealt with from the beginning. I think a lot of parents let this behaviour grow unchecked until it becomes completely unmanageable.

There was a thread last week about a mother struggling to get her teenage daughter to study and get off the phone. Posters were telling her to take the phone from the child but she kept saying she couldnt or if she did the child would take it back. That type of passive parenting is detrimental to child who doesnt know whats right for herself.
Parents need to be stronger and parent with better boundaries from an early age and be involved in their children's lives. It wont solve every situation but would improve a lot.

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