to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

But I wouldn't give people advice on their electric car or tell them what to do in Germany so why do these people give advice on how to parent teenagers?

I remember that type of advice when my son was going through a mental health breakdown but we hadn't recognised it for what it was at first.

He was def going down a wrong path, we are excellent parents and had raised him right. He had started school refusing so I posted here in the depths of despair to see if anyone had any advice, had they experienced similar.

I was told pick him up and put him in the car and make him go.

He was 15, nearly 6ft and built sturdy, how the fuck was i supposed to do that?

When I said that I was told well their son would get "short shrift" and be told in "no uncertain terms" to get up or their pbone/pocket money/trip to town privileges would be taken.

At that point I exited the thread. They hadn't a clue then and they havent a clue now.

lol.

reality bites many people in the bum.

Right OK, I've misunderstood your OP.

I've noticed a lot of people with younger kids post on any topic in the Teenagers board, even when their experience is completely irrelevant.

If someone posts 'what is your 16yo like with XYZ?' they'll get replies from parents of 11 and 12 year olds and invariably the 'well my DD is only 3 but she acts like a teenager haha so...'.

Yes but you seem to think this poster couldn’t advise on teens

I do similar with my 16 yr old. But you’d no doubt scorn my advice and assume I only had toddlers

Conversely there are always posters who refuse to believe that teenagers can be sensible, trustworthy and responsible. Whenever the question of leaving them home alone overnight comes up there are always people who insist the teen WILL have a party and it WILL get out of control because it will be posted on social media and won't accept that some kids don't like having parties at their house and wouldn't do it anyway because it's not allowed!

Fine, thats worked for you but what if your teen had turned into someone who said 'well Im going out' and pushed past you, left at night when you're asleep, didnt come home from school until 10, went missing by staying round a mates to put two fingers up to you, managed to get round the router issue by plugging into a neighbours wifi illegally, refused to hand over his devices

What would your strategies have been to manage that? Because thats what some kids do?

These are my favourite ones, tbh OP. The ones who think they somehow did it right and the parents of kids who don't comply are failures.

They are so utterly blind to their own cluelessness, it's hilarious.

"i RaIsEd ThEm WiTh BoUnDaRiEs" because no teenager ever has just looked at a boundary and decided to fuck it right off.

(FWIW I have three very well functioning teenagers, and one who is a whole nother ball game. All had the same parenting. One DGAF. Never has, never will. Yes I did throw in the towel eventually, no I don't care. They are an adult, they can sort themselves out now, I've done enough over two decades).

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

if a teen has reach that level, there wasn't much parenting before anyway.

I don't know anyone who has to deal with such poor behaviour with their teen! So maybe they give the advice that THEY are following and that is working for them.

They have a very good idea what 16-18 year old are like, just no experience of a teen so feral.

I didn't go off the rails as a teenager and nor did my own children. I don't know how I'd have coped with a teenager out drinking alcohol, vaping, school refusal, etc. Maybe we we just lucky or maybe it was because I was very firm when they were little, much like my own parents.

I was pretty blessed with my oldee teen and I didnt even have to him tell to behave really but I dont think i had any tools if he had decided to stay out longer than I wanted or do stupid things. He had a job bought his own car and was driving 6 weeks after 17, it was his own phone. Im not sure me turning the WiFi off would be meaningful, he had data. He also had friends that would get him stay if I grounded him.

But I also think a lot of people dont actually know what there older teens are up to..ive seen many a well parented teen very drunk at a house party, when there parents think they arent drinking at all or being moderate. Plenty vape at college and thier parents dont have a clue.

They are so utterly blind to their own cluelessness, it's hilarious.

but not accepting that other parenting method would have worked because you never tried them is not being clueless?

The ones who think they somehow did it right
they must have, if the kids are not turning into antisocial nightmares.

What a stupid assumption.

A different poster but my honest answer to this is I hand on heart genuinely don’t believe this wouldn’t happen in my family.

It starts with the micro misbehaviours, not these ones, it gets to this when you don’t stop the answering back, the slamming doors, when you don’t raise them with manners. Teenagers don’t wake up how you describe. It happens slowly overly time when not managed. That is my honest feeling, until I experience otherwise.

A lot of parents believe that if you put in boundaries, parent well for younger children then your children will be ok as teens.

for some people this works out.

for lots of people it doesn’t

the teen years during puberty are when lots of MH issues start to be a big problem- eating disorders, self harm, big stuff like psychosis and schizophrenia.

you can’t prevent psychosis by being a good parent to your younger child. Ditto (most) MH issues.

if you have been lucky enough to have a teen who was basically compliant and didn’t have any major physical or mental health issues, great but you probably don’t have much parenting advice to offer those of us who do have self harming school refusing difficult teens.

abd no, turning off the router doesn’t fix self harm. Or anorexia.

I’ve never, or exceedingly rarely, seen a response such as that regarding an out-of-control 16-18yr old. Where are you reading them?

They will have some shallow answer for this, but you know the real truth is "fuck knows, I've never actually had that problem so I must be a much better parent than everybody who has."

it's not a common behaviour, so it's not that stupid to assume that if you never had any authority, you won't suddenly start to have some when they reach 16+

Most teens just get on with their education, are not abusive towards their parents and don't need to behave like complete spoilt brats to push boundaries.

Agree. I also think that some people must have skipped their own teenage years completely.

Oh babe. You really think parents of teens like this haven't tried all your strategies? All the strategies ever?

Lemme know when you bounce back down to earth. It'll be a hard knock!

That’s the key to parenting teens. Be very firm when they are little!

or maybe the way THEY raised their kids worked for them, ever thought about that?

It's actually not true that each child is raised exactly the same. Siblings experience different versions of the same parents.

You will have changed from a younger inexperienced parent to an older experienced one. There might be more or less money in the family as the years progress. Each child also has a different personality.

I'm glad you didn't have this. But you are wrong.

Hope that helps your empathy.

So you're arguing that people should be able to post their observations.
What's the issue with my post, then? I'm not sure I understand your point.