to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

Just to add to my post above, I was and still am a very firm parent. I have boundaries, I have rules, screen times, chore expectations, school expectations. My son was good and kind and well liked l, on the soccer team, on the quiz team for his school, went to chess club. He was surrounded by love and support and guidance.

He literally changed over night at 14. Literally over night.

And I genuinely aged 10 years in the weeks following it. I tried firmness, grounding, conversation, peer support, school support, counselling, CAHMS you name it he got it. We restricted freedom, money, phones, WiFi etc.

Everything i knew about parenting or thought I knew was out the window. Every judgement I ever made that school refusers were the children of parents who dont give a shit still makes me feel embarrassed that I thought that way.

Its true that a large proportion of teens go through the years without issue. But many many dont and before you tar their parents with the judgement brush, just be greatful you dont have the experience people are posting about and move on.

My son is great now, and thats due to him getting himself out of the hole he was in. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Sounds like you where lucky to not have a nd child or a child with serious mental health issues.

Idiotic post…. Yes, not everyone has experience of everything, but the point is you do t expect them to pontificate about it.

As for your ridiculous analogy, if you hadn’t been to Germany, you’d have no business telling people what it’s like as though you had been.

True, but it's also true of lots of other things where people suggest you "sit someone down" and then tell them everything OP has already told them, and think it'll work this time because they've said so.

Full disclosure, mine are both still primary school, although we are starting to get flashes of what's to come from the oldest. I do agree with PPs, though, that how you parent up to that point will make a difference. I'm thinking of my own parents who favoured screaming, shouting and hitting from day one and how well that worked once I could scream, shout and hit too.

I have older teens in that age bracket and do not think there is anything wrong with that advice. My teens would never disrespect me; yes they argue but if I make it clear that they can't do something, they don't do it. On the other hand, I would never tell them they can't go out, must go to college, or should end a relationship. Our communication is two-way and they have freedom to run their own lives, but at the end of the day, if I say no it is no and they accept that.

As for your ridiculous analogy, if you hadn’t been to Germany, you’d have no business telling people what it’s like as though you had been.

Yes.
I think you've understood my analogy.

Maybe but my friends and I are parents of 21+ year old and we've pretty much been OK.

Not all teenagers are off the rails and hard work 🤷‍♀️

Nobody said all teenagers were off the rails and hard work 🙄

As someone whose mum decided control was better than influence at that age, I can confirm that she failed miserably 😂 Not only did it drive a huge wedge between us that we’ve never really recovered from (though it didn’t become apparent for many years), but I still did all the things…she just didn’t know about them. In hiding them, I probably put myself in far riskier situations than I would have otherwise.

So, I fully agree, OP. There’s no perfect ways to parent kids at that age but there’s definitely better.

@Twile
I couldn’t agree with you more.

You’ll get lots of people on here that wouldn’t have a clue of the depth of complexities some very good, balanced and intelligent parents face.

Oh come on, the whole thread is inferring that!

No setting boundaries does not lead to Anorexia. There can be a few reasons that cause it and boundaries isn’t one. My daughter had it for several years. We set boundaries but we absolutely didn’t cause her Anorexia ( as stated by every professional we came across) her ND and lockdown did. She is doing amazing now having been finally given the correct treatment, diagnoses and medication. She is a joy and about to start uni after some very difficult teenage years - weed, suicide attempts, running away, endless hospitalisations, self harm etc.

Sometimes kids become unwell it’s not necessarily anybody’s fault and can be caused by trauma, ND or just sheer bad luck. Unfortunately our MH services are broken and treatable difficulties are left to become difficult to treat conditions. It’s a national disgrace.

Those sitting there smugly admiring their parenting better hope they don’t encounter the sheer bad luck some parents experience as frankly there is nothing there to help you. You are then left with the battle of your life getting your child the treatment they need and well. Parents who have gone though this battle are some of the most amazing, strong and admirable parents you could wish to meet

Eh? These type of replies absolutely baffle me. Why on earth did you make a post if you're not interested? Just why? There's hundreds of other threads and topics.

Can you explain why you think it's stupid?

I raised 2 boys and am a family therapist. I have found that people with the wildest kids are the ones with the most restrictions, volatility, and general chaos, and lack of family cohesion. If your kid is THAT wild, I begin thinking about home life, parent behaviors, etc. It should be fairly unusual for a teen to behave in such a blatantly disrespectful way. Yes, you should be able to take away phones and that be that. Often teens disrespect when that's been what's modeled for them.

So much smugness on this thread, it’s the teenage equivalent of parents of newborns who are convinced their baby sleeps through the night due to their excellent parenting skills 😂

If thats what you think then I genuinely believe you are not a family therapist or you are a really shit one.

Or they have schizophrenia or psychosis or are taking illegal drugs leading to psychosis or… or….

there’s lots of things driving teenage behaviour and it’s not always the parenting that is the issue.

I have a child with autism and her teenage years were a very rough ride indeed … but it’s generally accepted that nd teens or teens with MH challenges can be very hard to parent but that isn’t a reflection on the parents.

there’s a reason there are suppprt groups for parents of nd kids and kids with anorexia etc and that’s because standard parenting needs to be adjusted for these kids.

Bravo x 10

😂😂😂
What complete rubbish!
“It should be fairly unusual for a teen to behave in such a blatantly disrespectful way. Yes, you should be able to take away phones and that be that. Often teens disrespect when that's been what's modelled for them.”

That is pretty much the opposite of what I’ve been told by professionals . I would like to point out that family therapy can be absolutely shockingly bad.

x 10

Absolutely what I thought.

Yes but people don't post on threads about going to Germany if they've never been to Germany, do they?

Read my previous answer!
They do indeed.
Perhaps I've been on MN too long...

The other favourite for any child post GCSE is ‘time for them to get their own place!’

Errr yes, so realistic!