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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by my husbands actions even though his son is sick?

141 replies

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 15:53

I’ve tried to talk to family about this but everyone says I’m just being selfish and thinking about myself before others.

Myself 29 female and my husband 35 male have being married for just under a year. Our anniversary is the end of July. My DH was married previously and that marriage broke down 5 years ago. He and his ex had 1 child a son aged 8 and me and my husband have no children currently.

My DSS was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months ago and we’ve done everything to support. His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work. I don’t mind this as I understand she needs to be at the hospital quickly and is not doing well to be getting the bus everywhere. I selfishly though was getting very jealous and had a huge argument with my husband last week. During the argument he admitted they slept together shortly after the diagnosis and then again about a month ago but that’s it. He said he regrets it but I don’t have children so cannot understand his pain like she can.

I have told him I don’t want him around her anymore and don’t want him doing jobs for her but he and both our families are saying I’m being selfish.

I understand that his son is very poorly but I feel hurt and betrayed by my husband.

AIBU to request he stays away from her?

OP posts:
andthat · Yesterday 22:32

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Why on earth would you accept this shoddy treatment @Khakiqueen1?

He is using his son’s cancer diagnosis to excuse infidelity. That’s disgraceful.

And anyone telling you to overlook this is batshit.

InfoSecInTheCity · Yesterday 22:36

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

He cheated, that would be it for me. His son being il does not justify him having sex with his ex, nothing justifies him having sex with his ex. He’s done it twice that he’s admitted to, I couldn’t trust him ever again and without trust what’s the point?

Maddy70 · Yesterday 22:39

Leave him

cocog · Yesterday 23:00

Just leave him the marriage is over. It’s already a repeated cycle it won’t be the last time either.

MermaidMummy06 · Yesterday 23:38

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

My DM would say this. 'Don't rock the boat' was the mantra I grew up with, even when I was being bullied at work and by my IL's. Told to put up with it & just smile.

Now I tell her 'Don't worry, I won't rock the boat. I'll sink it'.

So leave. Be happy.

Besidemyselfwithworry · Yesterday 23:40

Bridgertonisbest · Yesterday 15:55

Forget it, your marriage is over. He's cheated on you, twice with his ex wife.

Exactly this
leave
do not have children with this man
he clearly still loves his first wife
have some respect for yourself as he clearly doesn’t have any for you

dh280125 · Today 06:03

Whatever the circumstances he’s a cheater. You don’t deserve that. Dump him, he can go to her until you divide your things.

Mulledjuice · Today 06:07

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Does she know he cheated?

knottybiscotti · Today 06:07

100% leave, as fast as you can.

maxslice · Today 07:06

How can he possibly stay away from her, that’s their CHILD? I am a second wife also. Sex ONE TIME after the diagnosis could be forgivable. More than that is a big NO. You are in a tough place trying to support him through his child’s serious illness and dealing with his ex. He needs to stop that nonsense right now. He has no right to just do whatever the hell he wants just because his daughter is sick. That’s smarmy and manipulative. He and the ex can commiserate without getting physical.

ClayPotaLot · Today 07:15

NewDogOwner · Yesterday 21:13

You can't ask him not to see the mother of his sick child. They are bonded together and this trauma will only bond them further and that might be exactly what his child needs - as long as is isn't preying on her need for cuddles and support and taking advantage of her.

What you can - and I would suggest must do - is graciously bow out of the situation and leave them to it. That kids needs both parents, they need each other for support (and are clearly still enmeshed), and you deserve better.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to be the bigger person.

^^ This

ABitFab · Today 07:18

Slime ball cheating ex husband. Stay away or leave

LejlaKapovic · Today 08:49

Khakiqueen1 · Yesterday 15:53

I’ve tried to talk to family about this but everyone says I’m just being selfish and thinking about myself before others.

Myself 29 female and my husband 35 male have being married for just under a year. Our anniversary is the end of July. My DH was married previously and that marriage broke down 5 years ago. He and his ex had 1 child a son aged 8 and me and my husband have no children currently.

My DSS was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months ago and we’ve done everything to support. His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work. I don’t mind this as I understand she needs to be at the hospital quickly and is not doing well to be getting the bus everywhere. I selfishly though was getting very jealous and had a huge argument with my husband last week. During the argument he admitted they slept together shortly after the diagnosis and then again about a month ago but that’s it. He said he regrets it but I don’t have children so cannot understand his pain like she can.

I have told him I don’t want him around her anymore and don’t want him doing jobs for her but he and both our families are saying I’m being selfish.

I understand that his son is very poorly but I feel hurt and betrayed by my husband.

AIBU to request he stays away from her?

Yes, you're being unreasonable - because you should be requesting a divorce.

It's sad that his child has cancer, but the issue is that he's a cheater, and that he's too involved with his ex. I couldn't live with this guy, personally.

Whatonearthwoman · Today 08:52

Count your lucky stars, this is your sign to leave. Im glad you dont have your own children with this man.

Crumpled86 · Today 09:01

His child has a life threatening condition. They need to have contact as there will be lots to discuss.

He has broken your trust twice and I would absolutely divorce in their situation. He is gaslighting you by saying you aren't a mother and can't understand his pain. Not sure how shagging is understanding each other's pain but there you go. Ditch him and seriously think about why at 29 years old you are letting your mother influence your decisions. Also some form of counselling might be a good idea and seriously consider whether dating someone with an existing child is something you want to do.

PinkEasterbunny · Today 11:44

How can he possibly stay away from her, that’s their CHILD? I am a second wife also. Sex ONE TIME after the diagnosis could be forgivable.

I am also a second wife. No amount of sex after diagnosis is forgivable. Helping an ex with a shared child is fine, but becoming her chauffeur (unless it’s hospital related) and sleeping with her is just not on.

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