AIBU to be hurt by my husbands actions even though his son is sick?

[Khakiqueen1]

I’ve tried to talk to family about this but everyone says I’m just being selfish and thinking about myself before others.

Myself 29 female and my husband 35 male have being married for just under a year. Our anniversary is the end of July. My DH was married previously and that marriage broke down 5 years ago. He and his ex had 1 child a son aged 8 and me and my husband have no children currently.

My DSS was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months ago and we’ve done everything to support. His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work. I don’t mind this as I understand she needs to be at the hospital quickly and is not doing well to be getting the bus everywhere. I selfishly though was getting very jealous and had a huge argument with my husband last week. During the argument he admitted they slept together shortly after the diagnosis and then again about a month ago but that’s it. He said he regrets it but I don’t have children so cannot understand his pain like she can.

I have told him I don’t want him around her anymore and don’t want him doing jobs for her but he and both our families are saying I’m being selfish.

I understand that his son is very poorly but I feel hurt and betrayed by my husband.

AIBU to request he stays away from her?

Not once but twice! Why would any mother encourage their daughter to stay with a serial cheater. Staying just now is giving him encouragement to continue.
Your husband has betrayed you but both parents should be ashamed.

Your mum is unreasonable. The correct thing to do would have been for him to no sleep with his ex. Make him leave your joint home straight away and move in with her.

I wouldn’t be asking that he stayed away from her, I’d be looking at the quickest way to divorce him and telling him to stay far away from me. There’s only one selfish person here and it’s him for sleeping with the ex and expecting you not to be upset about it.

did you forget to tell people that he slept with his ex wife? You almost dismissed it yourself in your op! Surely that’s the only relevant thing. OF COURSE you leave any relationship where your partner has sex with someone else.

Why would your mum want her daughter to stay in a relationship where she has been cheated on twice?

I cannot imagine my own mum saying that to me.

Jeez his excuse that you don't understand as you don't have children is disgusting. There's no excuse- kick him out and move on with your life. Your mother is being totally unreasonable. Having a sick child does not give you a free pass. You deserve better than this man!

His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work.

Why does he need to do her shopping g or drive her to the shops? How did she do her shopping before their son was ill? Why can’t she catch a bus to work or travel to work the same way she did before their son was ill? I completely agree with if she needs to go to the hospital or something that actually involves their son but anything other than that is clearly just an excuse to spend time together.
He cheated on you twice and then basically said it’s your fault because you don’t understand what they’re going through. If you leave him 100% he’ll end up back with her

I mean, I was ready to say you are unreasonable until I got to “they slept together”.

You leave him. What a prick.

I’ll be honest, I can see how this can happen. However, understanding it doesn’t mean putting up with it. Plus this is an ongoing situation and you can’t really put boundaries in place because his child is really , really sick.

Definitely leave him. Best option for everyone, but especially for you.

I think you are being unreasonable to ask him to stay away from her. They need to put their son first and that is highly likely to involve being together sometimes. He is also right that you can't understand what he is going through like his ex does but that's a shit reason to give for sleeping with her.
I think ending your relationship with him would be the right thing to do. But staying with him and adding conditions that impact his son is not right.

Run and don’t look back

I’m so sorry this is happening to you x

Chiming in with leave him. Divorce now. He is committing adultery and he is so selfish he is even weaponising his own sons cancer to get you to think it’s ok because he’s in emotional pain. What an utter bastard.

Using the circumstances of a very sick child to get a quick shag is disgusting! I could never forgive him OP!

ywbu to stop him being around her. ywbu to still be in a relationship with him. break up with the cheater and let him sleepwith who he wants

100% you are. He's cheated not once, but twice. Once you could maybe put down to a lapse of thought, an emotional time etc etc, but twice?

I couldn't ever trust him again.

Mitigating circumstances are a thing but he should have been so mortified after the first fuck up that round 2 should not have even been a mere spark of thought in his head.

So what are your circumstances, do you own or rent, are you financially secure on your own, all those things need to be sorted, along with gathering your documents, and all that stuff. I hope you will leave and start a new life for yourself. And you know the reasons why now.

Don't say anything more to your mother other than yes/no. Do the right thing for you, not for the neighbours of your mother. That's what she's thinking about I bet, not you.

Awful selfish man

If you were to forgive the fucking his ex behind your back, then I think you would be perfectly reasonable to say he can’t be around his ex in the sense of taking her shopping, to work, to the hospital. Her not driving is not his problem. It’s not going to affect his son’s cancer treatment because the hospital should be giving the kid transport and that usually includes transport for a parent if it’s a minor. He can visit his son in hospital or at arranged visits like any other divorced dad.

I wonder why his first marriage ended in divorce.

This is not ok. OP your DSS diagnosis is awful. That doesn’t give your DH the right to have sex with his ex. Twice at least, but lets face it, it’s likely more. They weren’t thinking of their son when shagging each other so don’t let them turn it on you. You’re not being selfish to say this is not ok. If it was me I’d of packed a bag, and got a new phone never to look back. You get what you settle for and they’re the ones in the wrong here.

I’m very sorry that your DSS has leukaemia. I understand your husband helping his ex out with lifts to hospital etc BUT no I don’t understand why that means it’s ok to sleep with his ex - it’s not ok and it’s not understandable

THis is your marriage and your choice to make. You mum has no say in the matter.

Same but my mother would definitely have given me that advice. Some mothers don't actually have their own daughter's best interests at heart sadly.

What on earth does your mother have to do with your marriage?! Ignore her. You can’t trust him, why the heck would you stay?

I agree. I'm sorry you are going through this OP and I'm glad you are leaving.