AIBU to be hurt by my husbands actions even though his son is sick?

[Khakiqueen1]

I’ve tried to talk to family about this but everyone says I’m just being selfish and thinking about myself before others.

Myself 29 female and my husband 35 male have being married for just under a year. Our anniversary is the end of July. My DH was married previously and that marriage broke down 5 years ago. He and his ex had 1 child a son aged 8 and me and my husband have no children currently.

My DSS was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months ago and we’ve done everything to support. His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work. I don’t mind this as I understand she needs to be at the hospital quickly and is not doing well to be getting the bus everywhere. I selfishly though was getting very jealous and had a huge argument with my husband last week. During the argument he admitted they slept together shortly after the diagnosis and then again about a month ago but that’s it. He said he regrets it but I don’t have children so cannot understand his pain like she can.

I have told him I don’t want him around her anymore and don’t want him doing jobs for her but he and both our families are saying I’m being selfish.

I understand that his son is very poorly but I feel hurt and betrayed by my husband.

AIBU to request he stays away from her?

This. Doing it was bad enough, to then try and use DSS illness as an excuse and turn it on you OP is beyond ridiculous. I was so distressed and distraught I got an erection I had to scratch. Fxxx off. He and her deserve each other. I’m glad your leaving OP. He doesn’t deserve you. Your Mum needs to know the whole story and should be on your side.

You should split up because although I can understand why you don't want him to have contact with her that is impossible currently because their son is seriously ill. Of course he needs to see her for their child's sake.

I don't know why your mother's standards are so low, but yours don't have to be.

Get yourself tested for STDs as I doubt this prince among men was careful. And kick the cheating swine out of your life asap.

He’s a cheating bastard and his behaviour is appalling

end it now

Your husband is going to need to have contact with his ex wife, due to having a child together. They both now have a very unwell little boy, so will have no choice but see each other. You can't stop your husband from having contact with his ex wife, that's unrealistic, given the circumstances.

Your husband can be supportive of his son and ex without jumping into bed with her. He's chosen to have sex with his ex twice, both times he made a choice to do so. His ex didn't hold a gun to his head or force him to have sex with her, he made that decision. Yes, I understand that emotions are heightened for both of them due to their son's illness, but that's absolutely no excuse to cheat.

My ex partner cheated on me whilst I lay in ICU fighting for my life after contracting bacterial meningitis and septicemia. It's a betrayal that I could never forgive or forget.

If your family are aware your husband has cheated twice on you with his ex, since his son has been diagnosed, and are telling you to stay with him, they are insane. Why should you put up with being treated like this??? Your husband's son's diagnosis doesn't give him a blank card to treat you like shit, and them making excuses for your husband, makes your family just as bad.

Oh gosh what a horrible situation. I totally understand his need to help out and also can kind of see why this might bond them - they are the only two people who can understand what this awful diagnosis feels like. But it doesn’t give them an excuse to sleep together not once but twice. 5 years isn’t all that long to be remarried again after a break up. I’d be questioning if he was ever really over her.

Yes, I think you need to walk away for your own sanity. Let them support each other in whatever way they need to but you don’t be a part of it.

This, i am so sorry he did this to you.

Does everyone who says you’re being selfish know that he cheated on you with her? I would make sure that they do. Also he’s not for you. This is how it will always be

Of course you need to leave. I hope you find happiness elsewhere and the little boy recovers.

I would be asking him to leave if I were you, it’s very sad about his DS but that doesn’t mean he’s allowed to cheat!
If he left then he would be free to support his DS and Ex as much as he wants

I think your Mum has suggested staying because you will look bad if you leave your husband whilst his son is so ill.

Leave him and make sure those that matter know why (due to him being unfaithful). You don’t need to go wildly public about it.

horrible for everyone but that is not a reason to disrespect you you and the son are the innocent victims of their selfishness. I think you should leave his excuses of sleeping with her twice are pathetic if he wax upset he should have came home to you not jumped into bed with her. If you decide to stay then the lifts etc have to stop

I fully understand them spending lots of time together, perhaps putting old arguments to bed as they don’t matter now. In this instance yes you would be unreasonable to ask him to avoid her as they need to be at appointments together and being there for the child.

However absolutely no need for them to sleep together. I am afraid this seems like something you can’t come back from and maybe the end of the marriage.

It sounds as if you might be painted as “leaving him when his child was sick” but you can only hold your head high and know this wasn’t the reason.

I can absolutely understand how this could have happened between your DH and his Ex given the circumstances but that doesn't change the fact that it should never have happened.
You'd be daft to take your mum's advice, your DH needs to spend a whole lot more time around Ex whilst their son is ill and you shouldn't try to prevent it, it's time to walk away from him and let them crack on with what they need to do.
I'm really sorry this is happening, it's a horrible situation for all involved.

Your marriage is over.

You're unreasonable to say he should stay away from her.

You're unreasonable in describing yourself as selfish.

You have every right to leave this marriage, which he has ended. Or you can work together on trying to repair it, but I doubt it's going to be his top priority, especially as he cheated on you twice.

I think you should leave him.

But if you do choose to stay with him YANBU at all. Besides appointments and treatments your husband does not need to be around his ex wife. He doesn’t need to be driving her around, doing her shopping etc.

That’s a piss poor excuse from him.

Your mum should support you to leave him if that's what you want.

She sounds quite old fashioned to encourage you to stay with your cheating husband. Years ago, women used to stay in awful marriages but you don't need to do that. You are young and you don't need to stay in a marriage with your disloyal adulterous husband.

Being upset because your DH is supporting his ex and his very sick child is unreasonable.
But leaving your DH because he twice had sex with his ex is completely reasonable.
Your DH has been unfaithful twice and isn't taking any responsibility for it. Leaving is an appropriate response.

my vote is that you’d be unreasonable to stick around

Wow I don't know how to vote on this one. Theri son has leukemia and is 8 so I don't see how his dad can not see or be in contact with the mother of his child. They need to be in contact to meet with doctors and arrange their son's care.
But he's absolutely betrayed you. More than omce.
I don't know that I'd be able to forgive that. I'd probably try to put all decisions on hold until his son's treatment was completed, on the basis that he would struggle to engage with marriage counselling right now. But if he's continuing to drive his ex to work (why work? The hospital I could understand but why can't she take the bus to work now?) and dropping everything to support her rather than his son would be a massive signal that the marriage was over.
I'm sorry OP.

I'm sorry to hear about your step son, but your marriage is over.

One of my children nearly died of sepsis and shagging my ex husband was the absolute last thing on my mind.

YABU as it's his child that's ill. It's a relationship and history that you can't get away from and you can't stop him from seeing her in that context.

YANBU if you give him the boot for cheating. That's not on regardless of the situation. He's a sleaze for doing that.

Your mum is mistaken. They - your H and his ex - can support each other. You don't have to be involved with either of them any more
This is very sad for his son and I hope that finishing with his father doesn't take a toll on him or you.

When this all settles I would take time to think about the messages you've probably had from childhood about putting others before yourself. This has consequences and best to think about it when you are young.