AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

It's reasonable to feel jealous, but not very helpful. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Which of your kids would you want to get rid of to get some way closer to her material wealth?

Do you enjoy your life? Are you and your husband happy? I think looking at what you do have, will tell you whether you are unreasonable or not.

If you have all you need and a happy marriage, you are luckier than most.

Completely understand how you feel.. but you chose to have four kids which is a huge financial strain. I’m sure you wouldn’t change that for anything, but it was still a choice.

I sometimes feels like this. I know people will say 'comparison is the thief of joy' which of course is true, but it doesn't make the discrepancy feel any less real. I was just thinking yesterday about some of my friends receiving a huge house deposit from a parent, whereas my parent would never be in a position to do this. Without family wealthy, everything is so much harder. I completely understand you.

Having said that, you do have four children, so that means your money had to go even further. Perhaps you chose this because you wanted a large family, but that is part of the trade-off too. I understand that even with fewer children, you still couldn't afford what your sister has, but you have made things quite hard for yourself, I think.

Oh dear not again. How many more I'm jealous threads.
Be thankful for what you have.

Its all down to money, pure and simple.

Her life sounds lovely. Not unreasonable to be jealous of that, after all it’s the type of aspirational lifestyle that sold to us all the time on social media, magazines, TV & movies.

Ditch your unwealthy worker husband and find a man of wealth.

Or just stop comparing your life with hers

There's always someone richer than you.

But you made a choice to have 4 children? You chose that the money you have will be split 6 ways rather than 4?

My sister could still afford the lifestyle she lives now if she had 4 kids

I don’t really feel that envious of people who have more space etc. your choices led you to have 4 kids. If you had 2 you’d have plenty of space.

She has a very privileged life which is very unusual and probably needs inherited wealth to achieve … even a highly paid job won’t do it as it tends to come with long hours or work travel which impact on lifestyle in different ways.

However if material things and holidays were so important to you, you could have chosen to have fewer kids or no kids. Still probably wouldn’t have had her lifestyle though.

If you can’t help comparing, compare yourself with the 1000s of people in the world who would be envious of you and your life, it might make you feel better.

Unlike the other posters I think you’re not being unreasonable to be envious. Your sister has married into huge wealth and that difference will affect things. This isn’t the difference between one family of 4 stretching things more than 2. It’s a massively different lifestyle that will jar a bit after growing up the same.

I think you have to work out how you get past it.

I think that poster means you would
have more money with fewer kids, regardless of
your sister’s lifestyle.

It’s normal to be envious but don’t be swallowed up by it.

If you really need to, allow yourself 10 minutes to wallow in it but then get up and do something to get your mind off it.

My sister has a lovely lifestyle but can’t have biological children, she would trade the holidays, house and lifestyle in an instant.

Not unreasonable to be jealous - it’s an enviable lifestyle.
Just to adjust your thinking though - the friend I am most jealous of is my friend who has 4 children. Such a big gorgeous brood. I have a small family and will always have a pang that I didn’t have more. I grew up in a large family with limited resources, and our camping holidays in the UK with my gang of siblings, with icecreams bought only as a treat with money from our grandparents, are my most treasured childhood memories. You are rich with your 4 children. Many people - maybe even your sister - would be jealous of you.

But you chose your husband and you chose to have four children. Presumably the five of them make you happy? Why do you feel your life is lacking something that could be plugged with money? If she wasn’t wealthy would you be satisfied with your life?

It’s not that it’s unreasonable to be jealous, it’s just that it’s not an emotion that is productive so if you can find a way not to feel jealous that’s better for you.
There are many people who would be envious of what you have. 4 children, a husband, a roof over your head and jobs that give you the privilege of a holiday are not small things to have.
Make a list of all the good things you have, of good memories with your family, anything work successes, anything positive at all. and every time you feel that green eyed monster pang, look at it. This is a technique i use with my therapist.

I’ve had a lot of traumatic medical issues the last few years. An administrative error at the hospital when an MRI that should been sent to the sarcoma team wasn’t. I only picked up the error when i requested the MRI for another reason. This meant my cancer had been left for over a year which resulted in an amputation at the hip. I was very very angry and bitter about it, but i worked with my therapist to reframe my thought process. I could have died, I’m grateful that i did pick the error up. It’s not a perfect system but it does help. ❤️

Comparrison is the thief of joy. Your sister is probably one of the people on mumsnet who regularly bemoan how difficult it is to make ends meet these days because of the unfairness of how tax bands and threshold withdrawals affect people with an income over £100,000 - there are genuinely people that well off who don't think they are wealthy. There are also people on half that income who feel themselves well-off because they live within their means. Not one of the nice things that your sister spends money on will actually buy any more love or joy or contentment. Don't be jealous, it's only you who is harmed by the jealousy.

Wow @OwlBeThere I am impressed that you can manage not to be bitter. I agree it is only you who suffers if you are but it’s not easy to reframe your thinking.

Natural to be envious but you’re self aware enough to recognise it.
That said though if you had all of that, there would just be someone in your circle who has even more and then you’re feeling like the poor friend. It’s all relative.

It’s an active choice that i make every day. or at least most days. Bitterness does nothing but destroy your life and so I decided that I wanted to find joy instead (after a bucket load of therapy 😂)

Do you think your sister made a conscious decision to marry into wealth or just happened to fall in love with a wealthy man?

Money isn't everything.

Please own your choices. Choosing to have four children was always going to limit some areas of life to you.

The OP wouldn’t have been a millionaire if she stuck at two dc…I think your feelings are understandable but you need to park it and hopefully enjoy some of the benefits eg the swimming pool.