AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

Why? Why would they be lonely?

I have a friend who’s jelous of others in the friend group because they have better jobs, bigger houses, could afford to get married etc. I’ve never got my head around why she choses to just sit there and be bitter about the friends instead of doing something about her own situation; she could quite easily apply for higher paid jobs, be in a relationship with a man on a higher wage etc. It always strikes me that jelous people tend to have the mindset that they would rather bring other people down to their level rather than raise themselves up to the person they’re jelous of’s level. Let it drive you rather than sadden you.

Until you both reach the end of your days, you've no way of knowing who will have had the life to most envy.
Keep your eyes on your own lovely family. Don't look past them to someone else's life.

OP you don’t know the ins and out at all. So I voted YABU.

My SIL had 4 kids all close together and didn’t work she was jealous of my husband and I.

We had to have a larger age gap for finances and working / 30 free hours or the nursery bill would have crippled us. We couldn’t have a 2 year age gap even if we wanted. I had to go back to work to afford our lifestyle. I was jealous she could be a stay at home mum and not have to think about childcare or drop her children off crying at a nursery.

Your sister might not be as open as you think, she might be jealous you can and did have so many children close in age. She might have wanted a third but her husband didn’t.

I don’t think comparing a good thing long term, it just makes you bitter.

Find a different stance to take, a more generous one than Envy. I think envy makes people genuinely not very nice. Think of it as poison that is no good for you. Avoid it.

It does sound lovely but she’s totally dependant on his wealth. I think that would freak me out a bit

But you can’t, she’s got the money to have 4 comfortably, you haven’t. Have you got any plans to increase your money ?

I don't think any feeling is unreasonable as long as you're not treating someone unfairly due to your feelings. It would be better for your own wellbeing to try and change those feelings. As nice as that lifestyle sounds it doesn't always result in someone being happier. Plenty of people who live affluent lifestyles are miserable and plenty of people just getting by are very happy.

This, you do have a big luxury there that your sister does not have - four children. Theres no 2 ways around it every additional child is expensive, food, clothes, shoes, the extra cost on water and energy bills, the need for a larger car, activity costs, it all adds up.

Having 2 extra children is likely costing you into the thousands each year in food, clothes, shoes, activities etc and that money could otherwise go on a more fancy holiday, with only 2 kids each would have their own room etc.

Having more kids also costs more in childcare and restricts your ability to earn a decent salary for longer which again impacts on family finances.

Its a really big lifestyle choice you have made which you do have to consider and accept.

Normally I’m the first to jump on the “but you had soooo many kids” bandwagon as someone who can’t comprehend wanting more than 2 kids, but let’s face it the OP wouldn’t be living this lifestyle even with no kids! It’s a very abnormal privileged lifestyle, I’m sure lots of people would be jealous and no where near able to achieve it.

This story is on the borderline of being believable because a lot of details don't add up.

I have never heard of a wealthy, well-adjusted, educated couple choose to home school their children unless one or both of them have serious SEN or behavioural issues. Is there something you're not revealing?

I read something recently which said humans' happiness levels recalibrate after a certain amount of time. So, for example a year after winning The Lottery, whilst you'd still have the material things, your basic level of happiness wouldn't keep increasing or even stay at "The Lottery level".

So, in real terms, OP your sister may be no happier (or sadder) than you. Not sure if that's a help though?

Like the 3rd one I read this week. Why are women so jealous of each other like this??

I think you just have to look at your own life in the round ie don't cherry pick the parts that appeal

I have a friend who is v wealthy but I wouldn't swap places with her

Yes, oddly enough I also read that recently !

After major events eg sudden success or bereavement, we go up or down for a while, then recalibrate to our normal state of mind

I think your lifestyle sounds great . 4 healthy kids , a 3 bedroom house . Holidays abroad aren’t everything and I bet your kids will have great memories growing up in a lively household like yours . As for not working I would hate to be a sahm personally
i prefer having my own career and independence and want to model that for my kids as well. Honestly money isn’t everything.

I'd like to say it was a profound book but it was Insta 😀
It does explain why rich, objectively beautiful, high achievers can be as unhappy as anyone else.

I'm jealous of her too
.

What, why on earth would it be lonely for them?

Where as that will be true, the sister isn’t struggling with envy it would seem, and envy is poison to the person feeling it. It is a hugely impotent feeling. But the op isn’t comparing happiness levels. Just lifestyle,

what has op said that sounds lonely? because they're homeschoold?

The point is that you didn't have to have four children - you could have stuck with two (or one) and had more disposable income and more opportunities to travel etc. if you wanted to.

Comparison is definitely the thief of joy here.

You have plenty that others would envy.
4 children when others experience infertility.
Your own home - a house - when others are renting, in temporary accomodation or a flat.
A holiday when others can't afford that.
Dual income when others are unemployed.
A husband when some are single.

You get the point.

Yes, I'd love a house with a pool and multiple holidays plus a cleaner. But, multiple holidays aside, that's not going to happen because of choices I have made about who I married, what job I do and how many children I had.

Is your DSIS generous with her money? If you are included in the "magical" Christmas then make the most of it and enjoy that time with your sister and niece/nephew, your kids with their cousins.

Make peace with your choices and examine what the actual things are that you would like more of in your life. If that's quality time with kids, plan it in, if it's visiting glamorous locations, find some low cost alternatives, save up, take a day trip, camp there...

4 kids is an enormous cost I agree, we have one child , simply as I only wanted one, but co incidentally I was very unwell after so a second would not have been feasible even if I had wanted one, but it also meant I could have a career and give our child all the privileges, holidays, private education etc . That would not ever have happened with 4,

the ops kids share rooms as she’s 4 of them, that’s a choice she made, knowing they had a 3 bed house, knowing their finances. She could have made different decisions, so her lifestyle is a result of the choices she made.

its like buying a big house with a huge mortgage then complaining you need to work to work to pay for it, when the folks next door are mortgage free.

there are many joys in a large family for those who wish that, so the op needs to remember this is her and her husbands choice.

You have your husband and children so you are a lot better off than a lot of people yes you may not have your sisters lifestyle but you have your family and sometimes that's just as important