AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

True. I suppose I was just clumsily trying to echo the "stuff doesn't equal happiness vibe.

Yes but you had 2 more kids than she did on a smaller income, knowing they’d have to share rooms etc…
we all make choices

Money isn't everything OP. I recently sold my business, bought the house of my dreams and am not working whilst deciding the next steps. I am quite bored.
I can't talk to anyone about it because I should be loving it because everyone else is jealous.

But your children wouldn't share bedrooms if you only had 2.

Also, I would love to have a family member with a swimming pool!

@ihavenoidea1990 did you not realise that it would be more expensive to go on holiday abroad with 4 kids compared to 2 kids ?

I'll be honest - your sister's lifestyle sounds boring as hell to me. She doesn't work. She has a pt nanny. What on earth does she do with herself all day? Frankly, even if she has plenty of money there is surely a limit to the amount of shopping, going to the gym or lunching that she can do?

I've spent my life working in a career I enjoyed that paid (reasonabe) money and gave me a lot of career satisfaction. I am happily retired now and pottering around, but I'd feel I would frankly have been bored to tears at home once my kids were in school.

I enjoyed my work and mixing with different people and needed a sense of achievement that came from things I achieved - rather than having it all handed to me on a plate by someone else.

Totally reasonable to be jealous. But I can almost guarantee that there are things in your life she’s envious of.

I am a SAHM and in a reasonably wealthy family. I 100% look at my working mum friends with less money and feel envious about things. Even the fact you have 4 kids op!

I think feelings are inherently irrational anyway. That doesn't mean they have no purpose. I think it's pretty normal to have mixed feelings in a situation like this, and certainly doesn't mean that you don't love your sister and want the best for her (best isn't always money of course).

I wonder if the disparities become more difficult to handle as the children get older and this raises some anxiety about how to handle growing differences? Your eldest will be off to secondary in a year or two.

I say this having been closer to your sister's situation.

Well yeah but you can’t?

Youre having an average life, so yeah be thankful for that and its not worse, but you’ve definitely made it harder by having 4.

No idea why anyone does these days to be honest, life is expensive enough. Can you save for the expensive teen years at all?

Yes her lifestyle is great but you won’t get that so all you can do is crack on with what you have.

Having fancy bedrooms with ensuites and dressing rooms means nothing to kids. My kids had that and they couldn't have cared less. They would have like a swimming pool ok but definitely didn't want to be homeschooled as they loved all their friends in school and have continued those friendships into adulthood. Also when we brought them to hotels they said why are we always in hotels why can't we go in a caravan. We did borrow a friends caravan once and they were out of their skin with excitement. So enjoy your own life as it doesn't sound too miserable.

I was thinking the same thing as the poster you are replying to, if I was rich I would consider private schools if my state options weren't great, but home schooling with tutors sounds quite lonely.

Part of the purpose of school is learning social skills such as how to deal with conflict, negotiation, turn taking, time management, recognising we all have different abilities, team sports etc. Even if they do lots of extra curricular, these are optional. From your post it sounds like they home school so can travel lots? Which isn't the best motivation in my opinion.

You sound like me! My sister is very rich with several houses and lovely holidays. I am like you and have 4 children whereas she has two. I do get jealous. But…. I have an amazing husband, great kids and a lovely home and I try to focus on that. My sister has problems with her kids and health. So although she has money she has it hard in ways that I don’t. She once told me she was jealous of me and that seemed odd to me. However she was jealous of my life because in general I am happy and don’t want much. Enjoy what you have! When the kids are all grown up like mine are then you will have more
money and time!

Four kids.

Don't beat yourself for having these feelings. Trust me behind closed doors is someone envious of you. 4 children all healthy. A great husband. A home. It's a 3 bed. But hey its better than no home . Enjoy your holiday. Treat it differently. Come up with games to play. I know that you love your sister. It's very very normal to have envy.
But hug your babies tight. Hug your husband too. You can make a home happy not with money but with how you start the days.
Have a wonderful time together ❤️

Yes she would because she is minted.
The point is that you could maybe have a better lifestyle of you only had 2 kids.
X

Hi op of course it’s normal to feel envy if your life is not as great as hers financially but she got lucky with the wealth but everything you have you have worked hard for it. Imagine if he ever decides to divorce her imagine the life she could end up having no one has perfection I just hope she treats you all now and again. Health is definitely more important but you can’t help the way you feel especially these days with everything being so expensive.

I have incurable cancer OP. I’m profoundly jealous of anyone who doesn’t have this disease which will eventually take my life. So so jealous. It’s weird how the brain ticks!

Send two of your children back to the shop and see if that will net you a swimming pool.

This. I’m really sorry you are going through this and every time I hear a story like yours it changes my perspective of everything a bit. I wish you all the best x

Yes, the 'private tutors' statement is quite odd.

I so wish any poster who uses the trite 'Comparison is the thief of joy' phrase got an instant MN ban.

Sorry but I think yabu.

You have made choices that have impacted how lavish a lifestyle you can live. That is not your sisters fault. You didnt havr to have 4 kids or have them so close together.

My sister marri3d a doctor, they are not super wealthy but they are far more well off than I am. But, without her dh she would have very little, she hasnt worked since she had her first child and would struggle to get anything beyond a minimum wage job initially as she has no work history over the last 12 years. She has no pension and nothing of her own.

They 3 kids, have foreign holidays, own a holiday home in the UK etc. On the other hand, I have 1 dd and get a tent or a cheap caravan holiday for a week once a year.

But honestly I see myself as far richer than her. I own my own home (well shared with the bank), I have my own money, I am not beholden to anyone to fund my lifestyle I.e. If dh left tomorrow my life would not alter much, the house is mine and he has no claim on it.

My dd has learnt that if she wants something she has to work hard for it and that sometimes that means you have to sacrifice other things.

Dh and I have a nice life, bills are covered, we have some fun money, dd has hobbies etc. There just isn't a lot for extravagance. But that is fine, I am not an extravagant person.

We all do different things with our lives and in different stages of our lives.

but I do understand. My Dsis has had an easier life than me. Happily married for over 30 years, nothing terrible has ever happened, nice homes, cars and absolutely tons of holidays at least 4 a year one being like a once in a lifetime one.

One child the same as me but in comparison I always felt like the crappiest parent. I was a lone parent on a very low income for years. I’ve never had a holiday with my DC and certainly not one abroad. Then my DN was going on 4 a year.

I felt envious of my DN at once point. DN is now mid 20s has their own home (much nicer then mine), no financial worries at all due to bank of mum and dad and about to have an extravagant wedding. I’m in my 50s budgeting to feed us and pay all the bills each month so it’s like I live on a different planet than them.

I sometimes get envious of my brother in law. He’s a consultant, and his wife doesn’t work. She gets all the designer handbags and lavish holidays. We live in a 2 up 2 down and have a fraction of their money. However I remind myself that I have 2 boys and 2 girls who are all healthy. We have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. We love each other and I’m so, so lucky to have my life. Money isn’t everything, it’s not even significant in the grand scheme of things.