AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

Does your Sister not offer to take you all on holiday? Or does her husband gatekeep the money?

There are two seperate family units in my family that are rich in money and they never brag but they do use their money to help everyone live a better life. They pay for big whole family holidays, concerts etc. Not because they think they need to but because they love their family and I cannot imagine my sister struggling and not helping her.

basketsmash
The OP wouldn’t have been a millionaire if she stuck at two dc…I think your feelings are understandable but you need to park it and hopefully enjoy some of the benefits eg the swimming pool.

no but they’d have holidays and an easier lifestyle. She possibly could be a sahm. Eve 4 too op, I know you’d never trade them in, you’ve a great life too, just different x

Comparison is the theft of all joy

When I was a child, it was expected that we shared bedrooms ( DH shared a bed with his brother till his brother left home) , we had one bathroom and one loo. A holiday was a caravan somewhere for two weeks with nanny and grandad along. We went fruit picking , cob nut picking, blackberry picking . I remember mum had a cortina with a bench front seat and the gear stick up near the dash - and 8 of us in the car - there weren't rear seatbelts back in the day

We had sod all, but we had fun still - and great relationships with cousins - even though most had their own rooms and to what we saw as huge wealth - central heating and two bathrooms :)

Not saying we had a ideal childhood, we had a lot of poverty , our parents struggled , but back then the emphasis was on keeping the family fed and warm , so over crowding was normal - to be able to afford the rent

You also do not know what's going on behind closed doors . They may have what you see as wealth, and having to work long hours to service it.

Me and DH used to earn big money - in London, but we were out of the house for at least 12 hours and our earnings went on living a London life - high housing costs, transport, then paying for connivence , get a cleaner, pay a dog walker, pay for laundry services, ready meals, take aways , meals out

We moved, we earn a complete pittance - in comparison - but we have time, you cant out a price on that

Not surprising you feel jealous if you focus on someone unusually well off and fortunate. Perhaps you could think of a very sick, elderly, poor relative and compare your life to hers.

You married a man you loved and have four much loved children who have their health. One day you may not be so lucky and you'll realise how rich you are, now in this moment. Anyone's fortunes can change, for better or for worse. So enjoy what you have.
If it helps, find someone less fortunate than you to compare yourself to instead. Those people are everywhere.

Your Sis obvs has a lovely life but so do you! How lucky that both you and your siblings have found happiness.

I only went camping as a kid (caravans too ££) and I honestly had the best time, I look back and have the BEST memories of our lovely holidays. Sure I have enjoyed 5* in Mauritius as an adult but got the same amount of happiness from both.

It's natural to compare but there's always someone richer than you and your life sounds ace

NRTFT but I think you ANBU OP. I think it’s human nature to feel a bit envious if a sibling is living an amazing life you can only dream of. I too feel envious at times of my siblings & friends as my DH is very disabled & a lot of the time not able to even leave the house. So I lead a very limited life due to this . When I see everyone else going on lovely holidays/days or nights out/gigs etc I do have a pang of jealousy & a touch of the ‘poor me’s’.
Trouble is these emotions are not constructive so I do try to reign them in & look at the positives. I have 3 healthy young adult DC who are all doing well in life, my DPs are alive & in good health for their age. I still have a fulfilling career even though i have gone PT to support DH. We are not rich but don’t really have any money worries either.
Try to think of the positives in your life. You have a lovely family. I bet your 4 DC adore you.Do you all have good health? Something we take for granted till we don’t have it!

So true.

Wealth is really not in the money for me. It’s more about things like true love, free time, peaceful sleep, time with family, health and healthy children, only minimal/normal daily life stress, etc.

this isn’t to say your feelings aren’t valid

I get you op. YANBU. It’s hard not to compare lifestyles and feel jealous and sorry for yourself. All of this ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ bollocks doesn’t help one jot if you’re always the poor relation. And the facile advice to ‘value what you have’ doesn’t help either, because of course you value your own family but you’d still love to give them the lovely experiences that your sister’s family have!

At least you acknowledge your feelings and don’t let it get in the way of your regard and love for your sister. You are rich in love. That’s something anyway. 💐

1. you chose to have an excessive number of kids
2. she’s financially beholden to her husband

What sounds lonely? Sounds like they have a lovely life. But @ihavenoidea1990 if you have happy kids then you have a lovely life too, just different - your kids will love the holidays you have, even if they are different, they will look back in your times together with happiness x

YABU. Your sister isn’t the one stopping you having these things, her life path has just been different to yours. You’ve got a husband and 4 lovely children, take the pleasure in that ♥️

But one of the things you mentioned is your kids sharing rooms - they could have their own if you’d stuck at two.

You also mentioned you can’t afford holidays- if you weren’t paying for so many children it might be more of a possibility.

4 is a biggish family but certainly not ‘excessive’!

Exactly. Four children would be a strain on a lot of folk on an average income.

When I was a child and probably envied a friend with a new toy or something my mother said there'll always be someone better off than you and always someone worse off. Stuck with me all these years!

It’s excessive if you’re moaning that they don’t have their own rooms.

It's a gilded cage.

When you said SAHM, home school, tutors, my heart sank. The royals gave up that game a long time ago. I'd rather have your family than your sisters.

Well this. One of my best friends went through 5 rounds of IVF which succeeded only in ending her marriage. She’s now with someone else and they have a nice home and a lovely life full of adventure and travel, she’s a wonderful generous and loving ‘aunt’ and Godmother to several children but I know she’d trade it all in without a second thought for just one child of her own. Count your own blessings OP, don’t worry about anyone else’s.

YABU IMO. I wouldn’t be jealous of that life. Here’s why:

• Your sister is only just coming out the other side of her kids’ 4y age gap. I have that. They are 7 and 3. It is lovely in only some ways. It is very difficult for us to find things they want to do together and while the eldest has entered the age of reason, the youngest is still in the screaming/hitting/kicking stage. Lovely. Having kids close in age - like yours - brings its own travails but also has its advantages.
• ”the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes” - at 8 and 4? So they’re spoilt brats? How will they ever learn to accept less, e.g. in university accommodation or when less wealthy as adults (assuming one day they might have to pay their own way a bit)? That inevitable level of entitlement is not pretty.
• ”My sister is a stay at home mum” - sorry but I’d be bored out of my skull. I enjoy my job. Do you enjoy yours?
• ”They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny.” This is the only part I might be jealous of occasionally!
• ”My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes.” Again the entitlement will be off the scale…if not now then eventually.
• ”My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house.” Again think you’re entitled to be envious here…!
• ”The kids are home educated but they have private tutors.” At 4 and 8? I mean really that poor 4yo. What a gilded cage in which they live. What are they being hothoused for? What’s the aim? I work in international schools and always find it so sad how rarely parents consider the long-term intrinsic happiness of their children.
• Christmas, holidays etc…all NICE but again really very materialistic and consumptive. What are they teaching their kids about the environment and about what long-term wellbeing and happiness is?

so no, overall, I wouldn’t be jealous. I don’t think long-term this will end well for the kids.

You say you have 4 children close in age who have to share rooms, like that’s not something you had a choice in. Our lifestyle would be very different if we had had 4 children instead of 2, but we factored that in to our choices.

They travel first class for long-haul flights.

I’d be def jealous of that. Always looked at first class passengers with envy.

I don't blame you, OP. I have a cousin who married an ambitious man & now she does whatever she likes. Just had a 3 week holiday & they bought a new vehicle & accessories just for the trip (4wd). Also with their rich mates. Off long haul for 4 weeks every Christmas. Luxury resorts, private guides etc. and has just decided she's going on another trip right beforehand, just because she feels like it, with their youngest DC. She does 'work' but her DH owns the business so it's whenever she pleases. For appearances. Their DC talk about travel like they're going for a burger. Schooling was/elite. The eldest is lazy & entitled but has been nurtured along with money will get his dad's share of the business when he retires. Next one is off to study at £20,000 a year, all paid for, high value degree.

It's hard. It's even harder because DH works for them & was offered the opportunity to buy in to become a partner years ago. He declined without discussing it with me 'because he didn't want the stress'. So we struggle along and I have nothing for myself & DC don't get the help they need with therapies as it's too expensive. Constantly sacrificing. DH naps on the sofa & works ridiculously hard to make cousin richer.

Honestly, yes, I'm bitter. So much so I'm going to teach my DC, quietly, to pick ambitious partners. And be ambitious themselves.

I had a period of jealousy when things were tough. It ruined my mental health and ai didn’t like myself for it. It really is not a good thing, you have to just come to terms either way your own decisions. You chose to have 4 kids, you chose to marry your husband. You chose your career and job.
you have to own your own decisions. You are also fortunate in that you have 4 children, some people would love one, you have a home, some people do not. You have a husband who you want to be with, a huge luxury many would love.
I find it helps to have goals as it keeps you occupied and away from jealousy, make some plans. Learn something new. Find happiness in the simple things. Watch the sunrise, walk in the woods. The best things in life are in fact free.

Certainly sounds like most of their lives are spent with adults, with not much interaction with other kids of their age. So yeah, sounds lonely. And they are happy because they have known no different, but I cant help wondering how it will be in a couple of years or so as the older hits "tweens" and realises they they are missing out. Is the plan to send them boarding at 13 by any chance? Because I wonder if this what happened to the dad and he considers this "normal".