AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

Because they don’t get to have a chance at having a friendship group at ‘home’. My cousins kids are the same, off to the holiday house for a couple of days of school holidays recently, off to another country because Mum’s found another house to view, back to a 3rd country to visit the grandparents for a couple of nights then onto another property several hours drive away again for a few nights.

left there to go to another family holiday house and then back to the current main base until the next flight.

there’s no sporting group training sessions, no pets, no hobby groups. There’s three different languages spoken between the family so the kids are fluent in those. But there’s no kids artwork on the fridges or walls…

My dad used to work for a bloke who's family was like this. Pa still maintains that he and his wife saw their kids as accessories, not people. From what he told me of them and their bragging, they would definitely be an InstaFamily, but this was about 30 years ago.

Ah, OP, I get it. It must be easy to be envious when your sister has that much more than you.

I think home-schooling is odd for children who don't have health issues. I wouldn't envy them being kept away from their peers. With that, and their luxurious bedroom suites and first-class holidays, however will they manage in the real world, when they have jobs or just face challenges?

Also, no way would I be envious of her status as a dependant. It's all very well being the non-working spouse of a rich man, but that dream lifestyle can turn to dust in an instant if he decides to play up.

I think your life sounds much more pleasant and down-to-earth. I'd rather live in the real world than have such a gilded existence. I love those Friday nights when I get home, tired after a week's work but knowing I did well. Relaxation and small treats mean so much more when you don't have relaxation and big treats on tap.

Just remember that she might have lots of material wealth, but she is a long-term dependant, and that carries a ton of its own risks.

Try to focus on enjoying your own home and children. Probably the less you think about the wealth your sister has, the better. After all, it's not like ruminating on it will change anything.

I'd bet your children will be vastly better equipped for the world than hers will be. They sound as if they're spoilt rotten, and they're not allowed to go to school, either. Awful.

I’d hate her life.
Marrying into money and wasting her brain cells and skills while she flashes someone else’s credit card about? No thanks.

We earn pretty well. But we work hard to earn it. Set a good example to our kids that money doesn’t fall from the sky and that a good holiday doesn’t have to involve going on a plane.

You mention your sister & her DH are lovely & their children are polite & don't appear spoiled which is fantastic.

Having lovely things & constantly travelling to expensive destinations may sound like a dream to families who live a different lifestyle. The fact is it's absolutely exhausting preparing for trips abroad, especially if it's one trip after another. Christmas preparations may result in a winter wonderland experience but again the stress & work involved far outweighs the outcome. The expensive clothes & toys never seem enough as there is always something better which can be easily purchased. I could go on but you get the picture. Of course you're lovely sister has a privileged existence but the reality is she will often feel exhausted & drained with trying to keep up appearances & keep it all going despite paying for help. This is the reality people in this situation never let you see.

All that glitters is not gold. Enjoy your break in the caravan & just breathe a sigh of relief you actually have it far easier.

You are fortunate to have a close relationship with your sister. Envy is a horrible feeling but it's worse to be on the receiving end of it. Put those feelings to the back of your mind & be proud of everything you have.

I agree with the comments of the kids being utterly unable to deal with real life when they eventually do have to face it. Look at the some of the kids of celebs (and Andrew M-W), they think that they can simply do what they want and everything will be fine, because it always has been before. And then are utterly blindsided when they find out that actually, it doesnt work like that.

ETA I dont mean money worries etc as it doesnt sound like they will have that problem, but things like work issues, friendship issues (when they eventually get any!), social interactions etc They havent learned the hard lessons that the playground teaches us all so will have no resilience. I cant help feeling that anxiety and depression are in both these kids futures, starting when/if they finally go to school or uni.

I feel envious of your sisters lifestyle too!

in answer to your question it is probably normal to see the grass is greener on the other side and to wish what others have - my sister had a best friend in a very similar position as your sister but life still happens and sometimes with that comes sickness or upsets. My sisters best friend had an envious life but still life upsets happened to her too. So yes you can be envious but others around you may actually be envious of you too with what you have.

You have four lovely children and one day you may have grandchildren and one day you will have something to celebrate and they will all be at your house, and you will look at them all and think to yourself “I’m the richest woman in the world “. I did (5 kids and 7 grandchildren here). Material stuff doesn’t matter xx

Your feelings are your feelings. You can't change them, and it's not wrong to feel that way.

Children don't think about this stuff. You remember time with your parents, and feeling loved. I grew up having a lot of foreign holidays, but the holidays I remember most fondly are a boat on the Norfolk Broads, and caravan holidays in Hunstanton! Kids don't care if they are in 4* hotels and designer shoes.

There is always something to be envious of, and there will always be someone who is envious of you. Some people will look at you and be very jealous you own a house and have 4 healthy children.

You do have to live in the moment and be greatful for what you have. You can't change your sister's lifestyle, but you can change about how you feel about your own.

Hmm, a few years ago I'd have felt like you about my sis in law who also has a very high wealth, "perfect" lifestyle.
Except they have suffered horrible luck in the lottery of life which no amount of money can ever remedy.
Be grateful for every ordinary day OP.
Ours grew up with caravan holidays, Aldi food rather than Waitrose, and state schools instead of private but they are hugely loved and we all love each other. They know how to budget, how to share and how to look after relationships.

Beautiful 😊

Exactly.
And what the OPs on these threads are jealous about is always money!
This particular OP even goes to say she is "extremely jealous". She has chosen to have 4 kids when they can only afford a 3 bed home and in not great financial position. She should look at her own choices, and more importantly why she believes that happiness = wealth.

My heart goes out to you.
You are amazing 💜

Agree, we always went on Eurocamp holidays, driving from the UK to France, staying in a Eurocamp tent, not one of their mobile homes. I LOVED those holidays. Living in the fresh air for two weeks, playing house in the tent. A very simplified life for a couple of weeks. Such incredibly happy memories. Plus our 3-bed house seemed absolutely enormous when we got back! I would not have enjoyed it any more had it been a five star hotel. There was something about living in the fresh air for two weeks that was just deeply healthy and relaxing. It seemed very boring to have four walls again!

I agree. @OwlBeThere, I cannot imagine what you've gone through. I'm so sorry, but also so glad that you seem to have adjusted well to a very unfair set of circumstances. You're a winner! 💐😍

Well, I'M pretty jealous of your sister and I don't even know her, so I reckon it's natural for you to feel the way you do.

Ignore the silly "well you did choose to have 4 kids!" responses, as if you'd have a swimming pool and multiple long haul holidays a year if you'd stuck with one or two.

Your sister has just been very fortunate. You are fortunate too. Think of it on a global scale. There are hundreds of millions of people, probably even billions, around the world who, unfortunately, have a significantly worse quality of life than you do. In real terms you are actually very very lucky, as am I. It's something I try to be grateful for when I have the odd twinge of wishing I could afford a bigger house or a pony or whatever.

I’ve thought about it somewhat and how all the 2nd cousins live completely different lives to each other.

I think it stems from one of my Father’s siblings being unhappy and possibly resentful as to how their family grew up and lived, and under the guise of wanting to be better, drove that into his kids as well, to the point it included the sort of friends they should have.

I suspect that included future partners as well as one potential spouse left their house in tears, unable to cope with the scrutiny they were being placed under…

and I’m not sure how much love is involved with the ones who married. I would like to think they are all happy but spouses are rarely seen.. 🤷‍♀️

Thats awful, I cant imagine how horrible it is to be a child in such a transactional family. Well actually I can, and its heartbreaking.

OP, it’s not unreasonable to be envious of her lifestyle. It’s sounds like the dream, but to be perfectly honest with you, your lifestyle sounds enviable to me.
I’m a single mom (dads not on the scene at all) I live in a tiny council property, I have nothing to my name, Im not currently in work after leaving my previous job of 10yrs. Both of my parents are deceased, left no inheritance for me (as there wasn’t any) I have an aunt who helps me out with childcare if im absolutely on my knees (but as a general rule of thumb, it’s all me, as her health isn’t great) my sons are both SEN, so I don’t get to do holidays or days out anymore as my children wouldn’t/couldnt cope. Instead our ‘days out’ consist of going to the local woods and throwing a stick for our dog.

I would love your life! A husband and camping trips sounds nice :)
Don't be too down on yourself! You’re doing alright also.

Their environmental footprint sounds enormous. I'd actually pissed off at all the waste/consumption etc if she were my sister.

Yeah... your sister could have 7 kids and still be rich AF - she married up up and no one in your personal circle/bubble is comparing you, because her circumstance is the anomaly , not yours.

You chose a different path. That's the only way to look at it.

You chose to have 4 kids she chose to have 2 even though they're wealthy.

In all honesty, you can't really afford the things you aspire to have with 4 kids, but life will get easier as you grow your careers, so don't dispare, esp about holidays, you make your own fun and much of it is free.

Sharing rooms is normal for most kids too. Having ensuite still isn't normal for most adults let alone kids.

There are pros and cons to all life situs, your DS and her DH possibly can't trust people as much as they could because having money can make you a target. I hope that's not the case, but they wouldn't be the first wealthy people to be targeted by shifty people on the look out for a take... You never know, your DS may be envious of you. Life may look greener on the other side, it rarely is...

She may appear rich but if their health takes a nosedive then all that money won't stop terminal illness for example. Money doesn't solve everything.

I get it OP. "My niece and nephew have so many toys" "my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". "For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights."

Kids don't need a lot of expensive toys. Buying them feels over-the-top and wasteful, and to me, it looks like they are just flaunting their wealth. My husband and I could easily afford first-class tickets, but we choose not to because it's just ridiculously expensive.

Is your sister a generous person? Does she ever treat you to dinner or buy you something nice? Does she give money to charity?

Fear not Labour are coming for them, in th next two years you will both have your lifestyle.