AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

Sure, but you’d have much higher disposable income if you didn’t. If you also had two. Of course you don’t regret your choice, but you decided to have 4 kids, knowing full well the financial impact of it on all of you, from room sharing on.

Whilst your sister might have it good, you’ve got it better than many.

I have a beautiful four bed cottage and one daughter. I also have severe gynae issues and am facing a hysterectomy aged 34. I’ve been pregnant at least seven times that I know of. Even I am still very aware how privileged I am to have just one child.

You never know what is around the corner either. At one point I was married and a dual income household. I became single parent four years ago and whilst I have a wonderful DP now, I had to stand on my own two feet as a single parent for quite some time. Maybe your sister has an amazing career to fall back on if her and her DH split, but she sounds quite vulnerable to me and even if she got a decent divorce settlement it would be nowhere near the life she currently leads and she’d potentially not have her children 50% the time.

You’ve got four children and I presume a relatively happy relationship. I promise you that is so much more than many others have.

I don’t know many people who could afford four kids these days so you’re doing a lot better than a lot of people, regardless of your sister’s wealth. Maybe focus on that instead?

How’s that different to the op, who likely will also be very vulnerable if she split, even more so, as clearly neither her or her husband are big earners if they both need to work and they are still skint.your post makes no sense,

She says she didn't know he had money when they went on their first few dates.

Why did you choose to have 4 kids? That is a huge financial commitment. When making this choice you must have known that it would reduce your standard of living and require 2 parents working full-time.

You made a choice to marry your husband, to do the job you do, to have 4 children and when to have them. Your sister made her choices. And those choices have consequences.

We don't have any inherited wealth, but chose to go without any luxuries in our early days, lived in the in laws converted garage for a couple years. Both work public sector mid level roles. We now live in a beautiful 4 bed detached in a picturesque village in home counties. We didn't have children until mid 30's so we could save up a good house deposit and worked our way up the housing ladder. DH wanted more children (we have 2) but we agreed to focus our finances on the 2 we have. You made a different choice, and that was right for you.

But that is not your situation.

For example, you could have chosen to have just 1 child and if the things you describe that you are envious of - travel, not sharing bedrooms etc then it might have been achievable for you?

You made different choices and I think you should focus on the choices you made and how you can be happy in that context, rather than looking outward.

Do you have your health, OP? To me, good health is EVERYTHING! I have two incurable cancers. I’m 55 and saw DD graduate this week. I may not see her graduate next year with her Masters and that breaks my heart into shreds.

What am I tying to say? I would swap lifestyles with anyone who had their health. Rich, poor, in the middle. As long as they didn’t have a huge tumour in their pelvis and lungs, I would swap.

You cant help feeling as you do because jealousy is a human emotion I guess and her lifestyle is staring right at you. But if your sister had all that she does have , plus poor health, would you still be jealous?

My point is that you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

OP might think everything in her sister’s life is wonderful, but it might not be. I know of a few instances amongst my wider friendship group already where the couple we thought had it all were actually in an abusive relationship that ended up blowing their nuclear family apart.

My sister and I have quite different lives. I know that my DSis is jealous of my life. I’ve known for years and she has told me.

I am not wealthy. But I am more comfortable than my DSis. We both grew up quite poor but I worked my arse off. Took lots of risks which thankfully, paid off.

My DSis chose a different type of life. That was her choice.

The consequences of the choices we made is that we have different lifestyles and will have different retirements.

I feel very awkward when my DSis raises certain topics. I try to change the subject because I don’t want to blurt out “It’s not my fault that you think your life is shit!”.

@ihavenoidea1990you do need to deal with the jealousy or it will eventually ruin your relationship with your sister.

It’s not her fault that she married into wealth and you didn’t. It’s as simple as that.

By the sounds of it, you have 4 lovely dc. A home of your own. A hard working DH. In many people’s eyes, you have won the lottery.

Oh @Enigma54I’m so sorry to read this.

I am not in your position but have had various cancer referrals in the last couple of years due to ongoing gynae issues and can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I hope your prognosis turns out better than expected

It’s not unreasonable to feel envious. But it is unreasonable to have 4 kids in a 3 bed…you can’t afford your children

I actually feel for her kids, sounds pretty lonely for them

I’ve worked up close with rich and poor people and some of the saddest are the richest? Be glad they’re not miserable.

I don’t know your sister and I’m jealous of her 🤣🤣 she lives a very privileged lifestyle, I think it’s very human to be jealous of that. It doesn’t make you bad person, just keep it in check as it sounds like you are (acknowledging they’re good people etc).

Yes, but that is your Sister, not you. How were things financially for you before you had your last child? You don't have to answer that question at all, but the point is, did your financial situation change that much between your 3rd, and fourth child, these are the choices that you made.

Why do you think their life is lonely? Genuine questions. Becausd my niece and nephew seem really happy

You can be as envious as much as you want, it won't change things.
Stop comparing and make the most of the life you have with your own family.

I agree with the pp, that good health is absolutely priceless.

Everything you wrote is a choice. Raising a person to adulthood is incredibly expensive.

I'm chose a childfree life and would not want anyone else's life at all. Except if someone fancied giving me £100000, tax free.

You can choose how you think about this -waste your time thinking about other people's lives or focus on living your own life. Try to control your thoughts around this and tell yourself that being envious is harming you because it really is.

I've got 7 kids, it was hard back in the day, but we were and still are a very close family. They are all working and settled in their own lives, one moved to America to get married. None of us are wealthy but have enough to do what we like doing. Being happy is what is is about and enjoying the little things in life.
I can honestly say I wouldn't swop my life with someone else because I'm content and happy with my lot.

It’s such a cliche but you really need to try to be grateful for what you DO have, someone could be wishing for your life.
This is not poor me as i’m a glass full type of person, but I could only have one child, four children around you is like a dream to me. I’m assuming your marriage is happy, you have a house and you’re going on a caravan holiday, we did these holidays as young kids before we got a bit older and went abroad and I have very happy memories. We didn’t have much, but we were all together
Also, I live around huge wealth (just average ourselves) and not saying this is your sisters case, as it doesn’t seem to be, but many of these wealthy people are unhappy and in unhappy marriages.
Would I love more money, absolutely but it’s wasted time to feel jealous or always wanting more.
You have a home, a husband, four children, all that love around you, you’re not alone or in a bedsit (nothing wrong with that, just comparing) appreciate it, you are one of the lucky ones

Same, 100%