AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

I understand your feelings. But I remember reading somewhere that once your income reaches a certain amount where you are comfortable (but not wealthy) happiness levels do not actually increase much beyond that point with more money. This is because once money worries are limited and needs are comfortably met (but without the kind of wealth you describe of your DSis), internal issues are pretty much the same, worrying about the kids, health, finding a purpose etc. Not sure if it’s true but while money is not as stable as I’d like it to be, comfortable is what I’m aiming for.
I can also confidently say that the days out my DD most enjoyed were the ones that hardly cost anything eg going to the park with a picnic and getting an icecream. We’ve had days out where we spent £100 on tickets for something and it was just a waste of time. Kids of 4 and 8 have not got a clue what they are wearing. Some of these things are more what they look like rather than the experience. A 4 year old on holiday might be exhausting regardless of where you are. I try count my blessings, while many might have more, I also know many have less.

I do get it OP. Jealousy is a weird emotion. My sister also married a man of means (not on your level but decent income) and they have a lovely 5 bed detached house in a London borough and new cars etc. we both have 2 DC but our lifestyles are very different. All this said, they spent a fortune on IVF and never brag or are awful about things. She got lucky, that’s it. I often feel luck factors more than you’d think.

Exactly, I live alone with cat, health issues started at 37, divorced, despite best efforts, no one special after 25 years.
i now have Parkinson’s mid stage at 64, 3 new annoying symptoms this year, had it 91/2 years, research, no remission tho.
life you have make the best off it.
All those in forest fires, who have lost so much, awful

This.

I’m one of 4 and DH is an only child. Although my parents qualified in much better paying professions, the number of children meant one had to abandon their career to be a SAHP. 4 kids and a single (very high) income was fine, but meant virtually no real ‘luxuries’.

By contrast, DH’s parents’ choice to have only one child meant that both parents could continue in their (much lower paying) careers throughout DH’s childhood and he had a fantastic upbringing by comparison, with heaps of travel, hobbies, cultural experiences, lots of space (he had a whole floor with his own bathroom and walk-in closet / study area in their house), and everything from tuition fees/university costs and driving lessons/first car fully paid for.

The number of children one chooses to have is a huge determinant of the kind lifestyle one’s children get to experience.

Do you have lots of love in your family, OP? If you do, then you already have so much.

Yes, a swimming pool etc would be fabulous to have, and I don’t think it’s at all wrong to be a bit envious of your sister while also feeling happy for her, but it’s good to really appreciate the wonderful things you already have in your life.

Meh!

You get to experience a fancy Christmas at theirs and I’m sure your kids have used the swimming pool loads! Enjoy it!

There will always be people with more. There will always be people with less.
Its ok to look and think oooh thats nice. But its v sad if u are actually jealous.
Id be seeking some help to deal with it as ita unlikely the dynamic will change and i would hate if my life was overshadowed by such resentment.

We objectively have “more” than our brothers and sisters. But they have a lot we don’t have in terms of life flexibility, freedom, grandparent care and support, and they have each other. When our earnings started to outstrip theirs they gradually started making assumptions and distancing themselves. We bought a new house and they visited once, turned their noses up “it’s not what I’d buy if I had x amount” and haven’t been back. It’s sad but it’s them. Don’t be like them!

I couldn't press either because, reasonable or not, you cannot help your feelings, nobody can. I do think 'jealous' is a bit strong; a little wistful envy, wishing you had a bit of that, would be enough.

Are you happy in your life? It sounds OK, you have your own home, both work. Lots of siblings share bedrooms and many families have very enjoyable caravan holidays.

However well off materially your sister is, at some stage she, her husband, children will face a problem. It could be anything, illness, bereavement, an awful accident. Things happen no matter how much money someone has, that is life.

Make the most of what you have so your children will have happy memories; it won't be like that forever, things generally do improve financially.

Yabvu. I mean, nobody forced you to have 4 kids. It was a choice. Live your own life and stop comparing.

Exactly this. Children are expensive. You have chosen to have many so you have less disposable income and they need to share rooms.

I would say it’s a reasonable and common human feeling jealousy.
its difficult but try to move past it and enjoy all the pool parties and the magical Christmas at theirs. Not many people have a relative with a pool !

YANBU. I would be the same, I kind of am the same, I suppose- my recently divorced DSister has met a lovely and very wealthy man, and doesn't need to worry about money at all, ever. It is a little bit annoying!!! But I am very very happy for her.

You are absolutely being unreasonable because you chose to have 4 children and because you should know that jealousy isn’t okay.

I remember being at a kids birthday party in the family’s huge home on a homestead development. They had a brand new Tesla and Range Rover in the drive. A huge home they had designed with an architect. A massive playground in the back garden.
I was chatting to the dad and he was telling me about the wealthy neighbours who had a Porsche and an indoor pool 🤦‍♀️ He had so much and was still jealous of someone with more.

If you’re going to compare your life to someone else’s, choose one of the many people who have so much less than you, and not just materially, but people who have less than you in terms of happy family relationships and other things.

Thanks. I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I saw DD graduate, which was more than I had ever hoped for. I saw DS turn 18. Next goal, Christmas! 🙏😊

I think sibling rivalry and jealousy is inbuilt from day one, unless you are a particularly high-minded being. I am very unbothered about other people's lives, but my sister's wins and losses still hit a particular nerve.

So don't feel bad about it, just enjoy any perks as a previous poster said.

It’s normal to feel envious of different things. It’s when it stops you enjoying your life that it’s an issue.

I would not want to be a sahm for all the money in the world, so I don’t envy that!

4 children is a choice OP that a lot can’t make due to costs

I think a degree of envy is normal. My sister and I have about the same level of wealth - same number of children too. I'm sure it would bother me if she were living a life I'd love to have and I couldn't afford. But bothering me wouldn't help me or make me happier. So I understand why you feel the way you do OP but it would make you happier if you just didn't dwell on it and distracted yourself from it. And I guarantee you there is someone somewhere who envies you.

You 'just had a thought today'?

I agree with this. My SIL married a multi millionaire in her early forties and… I had feelings about it. You have to be able to let it go and appreciate what you have.

It sounds awful but I found a couple of things about her life that I wouldn’t want to have to put up with and I managed to forget about the money, its just money.

It's difficult to put into words really isn't it. I'm fortunate that i don't bother with worldly stuff. At the moment I am typing in a second hand phone with a cracked screen
it's easy to wish you had worldly things but they absolutely will not define you. You have a house, millions dont, your kids have bedrooms. Millions don't. You have a job...millions are struggling to find one. Etc etc. Your efforts and hard work will make your kids resilient
I can't tell you enough how little all your sisters stuff matters. Be yourself, embrace your blessings. You're fabulous.

Don’t have 4 kids if your house isn’t big enough and you don’t have enough money. You could have had one child and then your house would be big enough and you could afford holidays as paying for 3 people is a lot cheaper than paying for 6. You’ve clearly made choices, stand by them.

I think I’d be jealous too, but for myself, not for the children. As long as children are loved and looked after, their childhoods are magical anyway, without all the glossy extras.