AIBU to be envious of my sisters lifestyle?

[ihavenoidea1990]

Obviously I would never say this to her face because she is a lovely person and it would be cruel of me to make her feel bad for living her best life. But...I truly am envious of her lifestyle.

She has 2 kids who are 4 years apart, they are 8 and 4. My sister married her lovely husband who was born into wealth. They live in nice house, the kids have their own bedrooms plus en-suite bathrooms and walk-in in wardrobes. My sister is a stay at home mum. They can afford a cleaner a few times a week. Whenever my sister and her husband want to go on a date, they have a part time nanny. My niece and nephew have so many toys, expensive clothes and expensive shoes. My sister and her husband also have a swimming pool in their house. The kids are home educated but they have private tutors. Christmas at their house is...just magical, they decorate their whole house and my niece and nephew receive so many expensive gifts from "santa". And my sister, her husband and her kids are always travelling, they travel constantly. For the kids birthdays, one of their presents is always a holiday. They travel first class for long-haul flights. Literally tomorrow they are going on another trip.

Whilst I'm so happy for them, I'm also just extremely jealous and envious. I'm a mum of 4, my kid are ages 9, 7, 5 and 3 so they are all close in age. Me and my husband both have to work. We live in a 3 bedroom house so my sons share a room. Then my daughters share a room. We can't afford to go abroad, we are lucky to be able to go on a caravan holiday in a few weeks, but we haven't been abroad in years. My kids don't have the same luxurious life that their cousins have. My family can't go on expensive days out.

Don't get me wrong, my sister and her husband are lovely people. My niece and nephews are not spoilt and they are extremely polite. And I would never tell my sister about how jealous I am.

But I just had a thought today...am I unreasonable for being jealous? Is it unreasonable to feel the way I feel?

Good on you! We all need to stop seeing so much of life as a competition (and in most cases it really isn’t even when we think it is).

Erm, the total lack of other children around them???

Nonsense? Are you always so rude?

I’m not being rude but you talked to me about uni etc and I hadn’t said anything at all about it. I literally have no idea what you are talking about

Yes, I did expound a bit on the theme of kids not needing much.😂 I was a bit roused by you saying that people can only afford kids if they have a bedroom each. I know you didn't say anything about uni etc.

It's obvious I was talking generally & not just referring to the OPs family. Having been on both sides of the fence I actually do know how it feels. I'm not saying a poorer lifestyle is better but for those who have never experienced the Ops sisters lifestyle it's not always the bed of roses it appears to be. Every luxury holiday becomes the same old palaver of tiresome organisation & long exhausting flights. I can honestly say I've been just as happy with & without the extras excessive money can bestow. My memories of our family camping & caravan holidays are just as wonderful as the memories of exclusive hotels etc. I do feel for those who struggle at the extreme end of poverty. That's another story altogether.

How unpleasant for you 😥

Well I have Parkinson’s quite nasty no chance of remission.
i don’t envy you

My response wasn’t saying that if you don’t each have a room then your parents can’t afford you. It was meant to be a commentary on how OP didn’t have all the nice things her sister had, but having more kids than the number of bedrooms available already indicates that money is tight.

In an ideal world every child would have their own bedroom, if you can’t afford that then you aren’t going to be able to afford all the extra things. I have one so I can afford holidays etc, if I had 4 I wouldn’t have a chance of affording the luxuries.

I know dd1 was a bit jealous of dd2 for a while as she struggled to afford (with her dh) a 3 bed terrace with a large mortgage whilst dd2's dh inherited a few million from his dgm. It didn't last long though and it's all good. I had 4dc in a 3 bed house as my now exdh had a very good job and we had a 4 bed house in our sights. Then it all went downhill! Anyway I don't feel jealous of anyone as I made my choices.

Absolutely normal to be feeling that way.

Not sure what advice I can give. You have more children which is much more valuable than any money (not everyone is able to conceive and give birth to 4 children).

Absolutely no point to jealousy. Be glad of what uou have. Be positive
. Life is not all about materialism..

But you can not. The fact your sister could even have 4 kids and have the same lifestyle does not mean you can. You have less wealth so if you really wanted to have a nicer life you should have had 1 max 2 kids. There are loads of families who have only 1 kid as literally they could not afford to go on holiday with 2, let alone 4. You made a bad choice financially to have 4 kids and now you are stuck with it. I think it’s still a lovely choice as having a big family gives so much love and happiness but from a dry financial point of view if you had 1, they would have their own bedroom with their own bathroom and you could definitely afford to go on holiday more, 4 kids is super expensive!!!

This is interesting and I do agree. I think if you are not incredibly wealthy and you choose to have four children you have to understand that you are probably not going to become incredibly wealthy! Unless a large inheritance or a lottery win come your way. I am not saying this is the OP but I think a huge amount of people have these ideal notions about a big family and how happy they will be and they don’t actually think of the reality.

In this case I do also feel for you OP, your sisters life sounds perfect (however I can imagine there is more going on behind closed doors there always is!!) so I can understand why you may feel envious. You have to just own it really, look at what you have got and be grateful for it. Comparison is the thief of joy!

Does she offer to take your kids for days out? Or give you trips for birthday/ Xmas etc? Pass you toys/ clothes? I’d be jealous too. I think that’s normal. She’s just been lucky marrying into wealth.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't want your sister's life. I don't want a nanny or a cleaner around me. In order to achieve that I've made sure I live in a small house, have no children and a DH who's good with tools and dusters. We all make choices and a perfect world on the outside often isn't that perfect.

You're mostly talking about material things here, and you know what? They don't matter.
Unless you hate your job or hate being a parent to 4 kids, or dislike your partner, you should be happy with what you've chosen.

Also if I was your sister, I'd hate being a sahm mum and relying on my husband's wealth.

Well said! 100% agree.

You chose to have 4 children. You chose who you married. But, if you’re happy, and everyone is healthy, then best count your blessings.

Comparison is the thief of joy. 🤷‍♀️

You made your choices, she made hers. No point in being jealous, if your life is what you want. If it isn’t, then do something about that.

If you wanted this kind of lifestyle you should have married someone wealthy like your sister did.
Your lifestyle is a direct consequence of the choices you made- who to marry, what career to have and how many children to have.
You feel you are short of money, so having 4 children is a strange decision. I don't know anyone who decided to have so many children unless they were very comfortable financially.

I tbink anyone would be envious but not many people have your DSis lifestyle, there’s no point comparing. Your life sounds more ‘normal’ and doesn’t mean it isn’t as happy