Need to uninvite someone from a girls weekend

[OITNB]

I’m organising a mums’ weekend away later this year. I booked the accommodation and invited a group from our sons’ year at school. No money has changed hands yet.

Since the invitations went out, one of the women has had major fallings out with two of the others who are coming. There have been a number of arguments and it’s created quite a lot of tension within the wider year group.

It’s now got to the point where several people have told me they’re uncomfortable about the situation. To make matters worse, we’ve just found out that a number of us haven’t been invited to another social event that same weekend because she’s staying with us. Whether that’s right or wrong, it’s made the atmosphere even more awkward.

I now feel I’m in the position of having to tell her I don’t think she should stay with us anymore. Her son is friends with my son, so I’m conscious there will be fallout. Equally, I don’t want ten other people feeling uncomfortable all weekend.

Am I being unreasonable to withdraw the invitation before anyone has paid? If not, how would you word it?

Spot on. Cancel this. Then later when things have run their course do an event for one group or the other.

I'm just coming here to flag what a relief it is that most people can see what was wrong with the OP's original approach, and that the OP listened.

Just because a person finds themselves in conflict with more than one other, it doesn't mean they're the one at fault. Some people might remember the (reverse) thread from a few weeks ago where the OP was supposedly taking the side of her bullying friend "Emma" against the saintly "Anna", purely in the interests of an easy life. In that scenario, it would have been "Anna" who was at risk of being considered the problem and uninvited from a group trip.

This felt a little like the same instinct at the start, only without being a reverse- OP grabbing at a solution that would ostracise one person and most likely hurt them very much.

I'm glad you've thought better of this, @OITNB- and I hope it all works out.

In her shoes I would view it as dodging a bullet. The whole thing sounds ridiculous and childish - I would rather spend a weekend with friends, than with a group of people who just happen to have children in the same class - of course there's going to be friction. These forced friendship situations never end well.

I bet this is one of those Adults Only Party Weekends at Butlins. Separate accom for groups enjoying a weekend away together.

OP, cancel. I’m sure you’ll be able to resell the tix.

FWIW, I’m still best friends with a small group of mums I met when the children were babies. We’ve been on holidays, weekends etc together. Both as mums as well as with husbands and kids. They’re my ‘village’.

Plus, their lads are 17!

Butlins Adults? Sounds awful.

Exactly

The principle of pull out = pay, kicked out = don’t pay, is sound BUT I wouldn’t be sending any messages.

OP’s best bet is to say nothing & if anyone raises it, stick with she booked the group as agreed, she expects everyone to pay their share, & she’s not involved in any of the fallings out but she’s sure everyone will get on fine or stay out of each other’s way if they can’t be civil.

If anyone chooses not to come, that’s entirely their choice but they still have to pay OP.

If anyone wants to suggest someone else forfeits their place, they are free to figure out a way OP isn’t out of pocket, but OP isn’t getting involved.

If anyone drops out & refuses to pay up, I know in my friendship group we’d ask around for a last minute replacement, & failing that we’d shrug & split the total cost between the remainder of us.

If OP suspects her group wouldn’t do that & she’d end up eating the loss, all the more reason not to put herself in a ‘well you started this with that stupid message Appealing For Calm’ position.

I thought exactly the same thing. What does that mean?

Put a note out to everyone saying that the deposit has been paid and you will need reimbursed for that before 3 August. I think you'll find a few drop out then, and you will have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

If it goes ahead as far as possible don't share lifts so that if anyone wants to go home they can.

I’m very confused. You’ve made the booking, but then said that everyone is responsible for their own accommodation.
Regardless, just ask everyone for their contribution towards the cost, with a strict deadline, to secure their place, and see what transpires. Sounds as if she’ll drop out anyway.

Sounds like the mums are still at school. What horrible behaviour and definitely mean girl streak to even contemplate uninviting someone.

Looks like youve made up your mind it is just all her doing. Is that really the case? It takes at least two to have an argument. I think you have 2 options

1. Cancel whole thing.
2. Let it go ahead and hopefully everyone can behave like grown ups. If some drop out then so what. If it kicks off stay out of it.

This sounds like hell … why would anyone go to this?!? Just cancel the thing!

This all sounds horrible and bitchey id cancel the whole thing, but then a girly school mum weekend away sounds like my idea of hell!!

Omg, so not school mums at all 🤦🏻‍♀️ How would this affect the boys friendship? They are virtually adults themselves … and very likely think you are all a bunch of embarrassing idiots!!

The boys are 17

Assume should say cancel instead of leave.

Who goes away for a weekend with the school mums?, maybe a meal.
I'd be avoiding these groups to save my sanity and keep to myself.
If its like now, it'll only get worse.

Definitely this, that sentence is very unclear

C’mon. It’s blatantly made up nonsense especially with all the little extra additions to the narrative, but so many posters are falling for it. 🤣

Cancel
the loss of money is a small price to pay

to have zero involvement

how old are you?

What kind of woman is she, and how close are the two of you?

I would try to almost put the ball into her court tbh, at least initially. She may back off gracefully or it gives you the morally higher ground when telling her she isn’t coming anymore.

Set out the issue as the draft says, include that cancellation would cost YOU 50% (lay -on here heavily what this loss would mean to you, she's not fallen out with you, this should push a guilt button?) and what does she think needs to happen for everyone to get along or for you to not be out of pocket. If she says gosh, I’m so sorry I’ll go and apologise sincerely to those I’ve upset- great. If she says I don’t know/I don’t care, then you’ve given her a chance- it’s a ‘sorry then…’ reply. If she says anything else- over to her to enact it and see if it sorts out. If not, it’s a ‘sorry, then,,,’ reply again.

And set a deadline. Give her 72 hours, you’ll need a decision by then bcs as you recall, the deposit forfeiture goes up then perhaps?

Then you’ve at least REALLY tried OP!

50s