Need to uninvite someone from a girls weekend

[OITNB]

I’m organising a mums’ weekend away later this year. I booked the accommodation and invited a group from our sons’ year at school. No money has changed hands yet.

Since the invitations went out, one of the women has had major fallings out with two of the others who are coming. There have been a number of arguments and it’s created quite a lot of tension within the wider year group.

It’s now got to the point where several people have told me they’re uncomfortable about the situation. To make matters worse, we’ve just found out that a number of us haven’t been invited to another social event that same weekend because she’s staying with us. Whether that’s right or wrong, it’s made the atmosphere even more awkward.

I now feel I’m in the position of having to tell her I don’t think she should stay with us anymore. Her son is friends with my son, so I’m conscious there will be fallout. Equally, I don’t want ten other people feeling uncomfortable all weekend.

Am I being unreasonable to withdraw the invitation before anyone has paid? If not, how would you word it?

Too late now but never pay out for a group thing until everyone’s paid you!

What are the best and worse outcomes of uninviting her? Will your son be upset if she kicks off and it ruins the boys friendship? Why would she still want to go away with this group after all the drama? She's may cancel before you have to uninvite her.

"I hope you know this isn't about trying to hurt you, and I don't want it to affect the boys' friendship.....We can have a catch up next week over coffee/a drink/ something you normally do together."

🤣🤣🤣

You can hope all you want. It's never going to happen.

If you do use that wording, please change the phrase “I think it’s best if we leave your place in the accommodation” - it’s clearly the crux of the whole message, and yet I can’t fathom what it means.

Just cancel. And FFS don't send that message.

If you do send this wording, please let us know word for word how she responds!

You “like this wording”??!! No surprise there as it’s feeding right into the narrative suiting your intention which is to “uninvite” one person.
it is not just giving “mean girls” energy, but it is immature, and bullying by exclusion.
If that’s your jam, go right on ahead with that message, but you WILL hurt the recipient & you WILL lose her respect & friendship.
Bon chance.

It might start with and end with an F.

Thanks everyone. I genuinely appreciate the different perspectives. There are obviously a lot of details I couldn’t include in one post, and I know people will come to different conclusions. It’s given me plenty to think about, so I’m going to have a good think before deciding what to do.
I tend to agree that we’re all adults and could maybe just try to get along for the weekend.

You’re getting involved where you
shouldn’t. It’s going to backfire massively. On you. No one else because you’re the one who’s putting themselves out. Leave it and let nature find its way.

You’ll be the hero of the group and then you’ll be the unreasonable one. Good luck!

Or a “you stupid cunt canoe”. Can’t wait!

Why don’t you just message something like “how are you feeling about the weekend away, I’ve heard there’s been a bit of tension?” She might back out herself if you just check in with her. For all you know she’s trying to work out how to let you down gently.

If you send her a message bluntly uninviting her to the weekend, you will look like a first class bitch I’m afraid.

"Dear friend,

Thank you for sharing your concerns. I can absolutely see that I've been involved in a few dramas lately, and I recognise that it's impacting all of you.

Absolutely no worries about uninviting me. Completely the right thing to do. Don't you worry for one second that it will affect Harry and Archie's friendship - service continues as usual!

Let's do coffee next week and try that new cake!

Love and hugs,

Persona non grata"

Do NOT send that message, fucking hell - that’s honestly something a teenager would think ok. bloody hell,

cancel the whole thing and take your family away there instead.

nothing good ever came from a ‘mums/girls weekend away’

@OITNB

Generally, I would say this is not your problem to solve. One or more of the other mums can choose to come or not come based on what’s happened. Their argument is nothing to do with you (assuming it actually isn’t) and as they’re adults, they can sort it out. I would never take on the role of adjudicator unless I absolutely had to. The only issue you’ve got is the deposit if lots pull out.

The only exception for me would be if the mum you’re worried about really had done something objectively terrible, not just an tit for tat argument, and, as a group, you all decided you didn’t want her there. Then it would be down to you as a collective to decide how to communicate that from all of you, not you as an individual.

ETA: The latter scenario would be really horrible so for me it would have to be really awful and one-sided to justify it.

Ok it’s late and I’m tired but I’m confused by what you mean by a number of you not being invited to another social event that same weekend because she’ll be with you…but won’t you all be away so you wouldn’t be able to go anyway?!

How does a girls’ weekend end in legal proceedings? And knowing this why on earth did any of you consider another girls’ weekend?!

Glad I’m not the only one, I thought it was me @OITNB please check that sentence

Thanks everyone. I can see why it comes across the way it does. I think I’ll leave the invitation as it is and let the adults sort out their own relationships. Hopefully everyone can just enjoy the weekend, and things may well have settled down by then.
The legal proceedings I mentioned relate to another mum suing her to recover a deposit for a shared hotel room after they fell out. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, as it’s potentially outing but could see a few questions about it. This has all happened after we asked her.

This.

Edited to say.. you posted the above as I was writing this.. I see you are stepping back which. My post below was about the letter that was suggested.

I think the letter might sound reasonable on the surface, but the undertones are horrible and don't think she won't see that.

Sorry but knowing the background it sounds awful and fake, like a HR trying to sack you but sugar coating it.

I doubt she even wants to come at this stage. But why not just be honest. Just simply ask her in a phone call. or face to face.

"Look. I know everyone has fallen out with each other and I just wanted to know if you still want to come on this weekend or not? What would you like to do?

And see what she says.

If you want to be neutral - that is the way to do it. But it feels like you don't want to fall out with the rest of the group but at the same time don't want to be seen to be the one that cuts her loose. But you also don't want her on your weekend.

Also why are you worrying so much about the other mums feelings and trying to safeguard them? Let them worry about themselves. There are always two sides to every fall out, whatever the other mums have told you. Exclusion is never nice.

Your sons are friends....they don't deserve all this. You are more likely to keep her co-operation if you are honest with her.

Legal proceedings over another girls weekend?! I can't imagine what this could be but I'd be worried about going on a weekend away with her if this is her track record!

ETA: just saw your most recent post after I'd commented OP re this lady being sued by another mum over a hotel deposit. WTF?! Who are these people?

I'm curious about what sort of school your kids are at now that the mums are organising regular group holidays and suing each other over hotel deposits?!

Unless it’s really obvious shitty behaviour on her part then you shouldn’t really be taking sides. And honestly, would she actually still want to come if she’s fallen out with some of the other women? Why aren’t they being the ones to tell her not to come if they’ve got a problem with her? Sounds like you want to get yourself ingrained in the drama, I just wouldn’t.

'Hi son's friend's mum,
Just checking on how you feel about the upcoming weekend with all that has gone on. I totally understand if you don't want to attend due to xyz. We haven't paid anything yet so if you do want to back out it's no worries - I don't want you to be uncomfortable and think it might be better if perhaps me and you do something with the boys later in the year'

Is a kinder way to word it. How do the other mums feel though?

I'm worried that you have already paid a 50% non-refundable deposit without collecting money from anyone else. What happens if/when several others drop out? If you don't uninvite this woman (and I agree that would be mean) what are the chances everyone else will want to go? Is your ideal solution that she withdraws and someone else takes her place, or the remaining women all pay more?

Seriously 😟

@OITNB speak to her directly, don’t send a message. It’s highly likely she doesn’t want to go now anyway - she’ll be aware of how uncomfortable and awkward it would be if she did.

Jeez - do not ask her for money as it sounds like she'd cancel down the line anyway and have you lined up for the next legal action.

Inform the people you still want to go on holiday with, then 'cancel' it in the group chat, delete the group chat, then set up a new group chat without her in it.

Or cancel it properly and take your family.

Who wants to spend a weekend with a litigious acquaintance?