AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Congratulations on your new arrival. 🎉 It's unreasonable of them to have sent you those messages firstly, if they were upset they should go through your DH, not the postpartum mother. I do think you have set a very clear double standard straight away though, and it will be hurtful for his side. If you were going to wait to welcome his family, I feel a more balanced approach would have been asking your siblings to wait too, and just seeking support from your parents.

Yes YABU.

Let them come round. They don't need to stay for ages. You don't even have to see them. You can stay upstairs and have a (much-needed) nap while your parents and your H host and introduce them to the baby downstairs.

You are being slightly unreasonable, but that being said as long as your husband and you are both in agreement it is what it is.
Might be a good idea though for future relations to put up with a short visit for a meet and cuddle then have a break to recover.

They want to see the baby, not you. Why not let them come for a cup of tea, say hi, then excuse yourself, let your husband introduce the baby and host them for an hour. Is that really too much?

I completely understand the preference for your own family at a time like this. However, you are married, your inlaws are your family too and to have a baby that ties you all together - who they want to meet in the same way your family did. If you carry on like this you’ll never had a good relationship with your inlaws.

Block them.
Take what time you need to recover.
Then your DH can arrange for them to visit when you’re ready.

Their reaction tells me YANBU, but I’m glad my DSIL didn’t forbid me from visiting my new DGS.

If your parents are there to help you out all you need to be doing when your in-laws visit is sit down and do nothing but hold your baby. Let your husband/parents make tea etc.
Let them see the baby.

Unless there's a big back story about them being awful to you, then yes YAB rather U. I understand you're in a whirlwind of pain, hormones and sleep deprivation right now and nobody feels at their best two days post partum.

But it's their new granddaughter/niece as well and they're just as thrilled as your family. It's not kind to treat them like they are second best.

The messages are uncalled for but I think you’ve been absurdly cruel.

Of course you are being unreasonable. Just let them come round for a short time

It’s a really tricky one. I understand that you are not at your best and will find it hard to relax around his family.

However, you are setting up for a very different relationship with the baby’s other grandparents and aunt. I’d suggest you invite them over but make sure they know you are unwell and will be staying upstairs. Your husband can introduce the baby to them, and bring you the baby if she needs feeding.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.
I do get what you mean, when you're not feeling your best you avoid anyone outside of your own immediate family. I'm sure they'll be others on to say that's daft. However, having a new baby is a very special time and I think you should bend a little. Maybe you could limit the visit to an hour, grin and bear it. Make sure your DP gives you time to yourself to have a nice bath and a bit of calm. Also, make it clear that he's the host.

Congratulations!

I want to tread carefully because you’re newly postpartum, but I do think you’re being unfair to his family. They aren’t second class relatives. Can’t they pop by while you’re having a shower for a quick snuggle?

This seems like a good approach if possible. I understand you feel uncomfortable but it feels a bit unfair they have to wait because they're not 'your family'

I agree they should have routed communication to your husband and not taken it to you when you've just had a baby!

I couldn’t imagine marrying into a family and having my in laws grandchild and then treating them like that

both sets are equal grandparents

I don't think you should have to see people or socialise with them when you've just given birth.

But I think it's a bit unfair if one side of the family gets to meet the new baby and the other doesn't. I think it gives a message about relative importance.

No, meeting the baby when it's tiny isn't necessary, but it does help people to feel invested in your child. If you weren't having any visitors that would be one thing but letting your siblings see the baby and not letting her other grandparents meet her seems a bit off.

They don't have to see you, but you could havs a nap and her dad could take her to meet them.

They honestly don't sound like delightful people, and they shouldn't be calling you selfish or being demanding, but I don't think you're being particularly fair to them.

They are excited to meet their new granddaughter/ niece, just the same way your family is. I know we all feel different around our own family but this seems so unfair, especially as your parents are staying with you and your siblings have been round for dinner. You don’t need to have found a routine before they come to visit, just let them come round for a cup of tea and to meet the baby.

I don't like when my baby is away from me for too long 😭. I can't relax

Gently yabu. Your in-laws are family to your baby as much as your family is. If you allow on side in it's only fair the other side can visit too. If you feeling unwell can dh bring baby down to meet them and you stay in bed.

What’s the back story here? I can’t believe two adult women suddenly think it’s fine to send unpleasant messages to a new mother.

Congratulations!

I tried to come up with a kind way to say it as I know emotions are high and they are behaving poorly but I think it’s really sad to differentiate like this - particularly as you are actually hosting your family for weeks while refusing to see your child’s other grandparents. Just say hi and let them cuddle their grandchild. I cannot believe your siblings met the baby multiple times before your in-laws even got a hug.

If you have a son in this what you’d want in future?

Sorry OP but you aren’t playing fair at all. Your family have been to the hospital, to your home,for a meal and your parents are staying - albeit to help. Meanwhile your in laws aren’t allowed to pop in at all?
Thats absurd and totally unreasonable
Their messages are rude and unacceptable but I understand how hurt they must be. She’s your husbands child too!

I think its a tad unfair. You've not let them come for sn hour but yours were at the hospital and staying two weeks. They shouldn't send messages but it is your partners mum.

I would never have treated my child's grandparents like that.

Take yourself off for a snooze for an hour and let your DH proudly show off his newborn to his family. Leave him to host.