AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Anyone who called me selfish, when I was two days post-partum with my first, would be waiting a lot longer than another week.

Who the hell do they think they are? It is your house and your baby, so they have to wait until you feel ready, for an invitation. Their arrogance and pushiness is hardly likely to make you relax, is it.

Do people really have such bad manners?

I think your actions are unfair. Your mum and dad coming to the hospital to support you - fine. But you should have allowed your partner’s mum and dad an hour to meet baby too. And if your in laws have to wait a week so should your siblings.

They should not have messaged you, they should have raised it with your DH.

The reaction makes me say they are unreasonable.

However let them come for 30minutes. They can see baby a quick cuddle then take yourself and baby up to feed and nap. Short and sweet and they have seen baby. You haven’t been separated from baby and it’s not too long.

I don't think I could cause lifelong issues with my husband's family for the sake of not letting them pop in to see the baby while I had a nap. When the postpartum fog clears you might regret it.

I can't relax when my baby is far away from me

I'm on the fence. Firstly they don't seem very nice and should be mindful that you have had a difficult birth. Secondly I don't know how old your MIL is or when she gave birth but I doubt very much she gave birth and then got on with it without a fuss.

On the other hand it would be a kind gesture to let them have a short visit and a quick cuddle.

Congratulations OP.

Firstly you are recovering from childbirth so your husband should be managing all comms with his family. They shouldn't be bothering you with messages.

But unless there is significant back story that you haven't shared, I think it's not very fair to have your family members visiting for 2 weeks and then telling his family they can't even visit in the first week. Your husband could request the visit be kept short, and find other ways to make it easier on you rather than a blanket ban

I was going to say you are being unreasonable, do let them come over too. Then I read what MiL was saying and can see why you’d rather wait! She sounds unpleasant and pushy.

I feel sorry for your DH.

The baby won’t be far. Or you could actually just have a cup of tea with your in laws, it won’t hurt you will it?

Congratulations!
.I'm sorry but I think you are being very unreasonable. The baby is just as much part of your husband's family as she is part of your family. It's very unfair to allow your parents and siblings to meet her but not your husband's family.
I'm not surprised your mother in law is upset. Although she shouldn't have sent you messages calling you selfish that was wrong of her

I had a terrible birth with my first child but it didn't occur to me to stop my husbands family from visiting.

Downstairs isn't far away. She'll be perfectly fine with her father and both sets of grandparents for an hour.

You do know baby is related to your dh's parents, they aren't just some random strangers.

As far as family go, it should be all (close relatives only) or none.
Why do your parents trump his parents.

It's just very mean spirited.

So many people will bleat "all grandparents are equal!!"

You have been through a lot. Your family are there to support you, your in laws are waiting to hold your baby. It's not the same. It just isnt. You do not have to pretend you have the same relationship with your in laws as your own parents just because you married their son. You are a human being, you matter.

And quite frankly. If your husband leaves you tomorrow your in laws will probably drop you like a sack of shit and everyone here would be telling you that you can't expect them to treat you like you're equal to their son just because you married him, you're not their real family. If your in laws say an event is family only and you're not invited you have to get over it.

But god forbid you feel more comfortable around your own parents.

Baby will be with their Dad, put up with not relaxing for an hour, you'll be fine!

Sorry, I might have no explained this well in my post. I don't feel comfortable being around my in-laws right now due to how I'm feeling. That's what I was trying to say in my post. Sorry if I didn't explain that well :)

YABU but they shouldn’t have sent you those messages. It’s easy to fall into behaviours that aren’t fully reasonable when you’ve just had a baby, so they need to give you a bit of slack there. They’re probably really hurt, and maybe see it as a sign of how they’ll be treated in future with regards to the baby, they’re as much a relation of the baby as your family are and, unless there’s a massive backstory, they should be treated as such. I’m saying this to help you avoid a whole load of heartache in the future, families are complicated - add in hurt feelings and high emotions and it becomes awful to live with and impossible to correct. If they are generally awful then put the boundaries in place that you feel are necessary but if this was purely because you felt crappy (and I don’t mean to minimise that - your feelings are absolutely valid) then I’d back track a bit and let them come round.

Gently OP, yes you are being unreasonable. Even if you don’t want to be far from baby, they can sit beside you on the sofa for a few minutes to have a look or a quick cuddle. You really don’t want to start off your family on this note of his family being second class citizens, if it’s okay for your family to pop in for dinner then you can’t dictate that his have to wait.

I cannot believe that people make so much of a massive fuss. Just let them see the baby FFS. You literally just have to sit there, hand the baby over for 5 mins for a quick cuddle and then, if you want, excuse yourself. They’re not going to want to watch you feed, change a nappy, or conduct a full physical examination.

And if they are boundary pushing CFs agree in advance that your DH will do all of the drinks and that 10 mins into the visit you’ll disappear with baby for a nap.

My parents and siblings are helping me out, they aren't just here to hold the baby.

No one’s saying they have to be treated equally! Her parents were at the hospital and are staying for 2 whole weeks. The suggestion is that the in laws are allowed to come round for an hour.

Huge congratulations OP!

I didn’t vote as I think YABU for making them wait a week when your own family saw the baby so soon BUT your ILs sound like arseholes of the highest order (and very like my wagon of an (ex, now deceased, MIL, so I sympathise), bombarding you with texts and name-calling in the immediate aftermath of you giving birth, so YANBU not to feel like having them around.

A PP had it right - get DH to sort it; you say hi, leave baba with DH & ILs, have a snooze till baby needs you. Don’t get involved with them.

Yes YABU. Your baby has two sets of grandparents and there shouldn’t be a hierarchy. You’ve got your parents staying for a fortnight and your own siblings have been round for dinner so you could have your in laws round.

If you are having a bath/shower/nap upstairs in your house you aren't going to be far from your baby. She'll be downstairs with her dad.
Even if the in-laws don't visit you will still need to be showering and sleeping (plus using the toilet, eating food etc) so there will be times you have to be away from her.
Your are still full of emotions and hormones which is completely normal but perhaps have a talk with the midwife/health visitor about how you are feeling because not wanting to be away from your baby is normal - but you still need to care for yourself (bathing, eating etc).
🙂💐

You are being unreasonable… this is your husbands child and your sons grandparents.

That being said… the messages are uncalled for and your DH needs to pick them up on that.