AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Blimey, what on earth do you need multiple family members to help you with?!

I feel utterly sorry for your dh. He's probably bursting with pride to show off his new baby to his family but his miserable wife has put the kibosh on it. He won't forget this and neither will your in laws, although I do agree their messages were I'll judged.

Instead of regretting the post perhaps you might read and understand what is being said to you? Or is that beyond you in your selfish little PFB bubble? Your poor husband. His poor family.

Dear God.

😳

‘Abusive’. Settle down, and try to remember OP has just given birth, and had a tough delivery. A bit of decency in your response wouldn’t go amiss.

This.
As a paternal grandmother, I was desperate to see my GC. Allowing your parents to stay for 2 weeks and your siblings visits whilst saying no to your husband's family is extremely unkind.

Just in another room? For an hour? Really? That’s not healthy at all

Why isn’t your husband speaking up and responding to the texts on your behalf?

I would be more annoyed at him for not shutting this down immediately.

OP I would recommend you delete this threat and just do what you do for your own wellbeing.

People on Mumsnet, despite mostly being mothers. Are incredibly nasty to new mothers for any little reason but especially you daring to do anything for yourself.

Because no one gave a shit about them when they had a baby. They suffered. So everyone else should too. How dare you think you deserve to be looked after. You've only had a baby, thousands of women do it every day, get over yourself.

So do yourself a favour. Don't listen to these cruel people or your cruel in laws. And protect yourself. And when your little girl has a baby, you protect her from this bullshit.

You are being selfish. They are family too and want to see their grandchild. How would you feel if you were them

And yes I think it’s bonkers you’ve had your siblings over for dinner but won’t let your husband’s family even meet the baby for however long you decide. I think that’s pretty awful tbh. What does your husband think about all this?

I would agree that his parents escalating it with texts to you directly was fucking stupid on their part.

Even if they think you're being ridiculous or cruel or whatever, there's way more diplomatic ways to resolve it that are more likely to lead to the result they want.

But i do think you and your husband are unreasonable in the first instance

Honestly op I get it I wasn’t away from my babies for more than a shower in those first few months basically. I wouldn’t be going to have a nap to please my in-laws 😅 baby would be with me if I was napping anyway.

If you really can’t do a half an hour coffee visit then that’s because of how they have made you feel then they are reaping what they have sown.

Congratulations on the arrival of your baby.

The thing is your in-laws are your close relatives too. Not blood relatives to you but blood relatives to your baby. Just as much blood relatives to your baby as your own parents and siblings are.

Waiting a day or two would be reasonable. Making them wait a week is a bit unfair, especially as your side of the family are getting to stay and see baby loads.

I'd be very hurt if I was an inlaw of yours.

They shouldn't be sending you messages but I do understand how upset they are probably feeling.

You don't have to entertain. Sit down, drink tea and let your husband do the organising and hosting, but do let his side of the family see baby too.

Whatever they thought, this was right out of order - insensitive, disresprctful, unkind, absolutely awful. What horrible people. I am glad I am not related to them. What the new mother wants or needs is what happens. They should respect you and your feelings. To actually send these messages to a just post-partum Mum is absoluitely disgraceful. What sort of people do that? i hope your DH has your back OP against his ghastly family. Congratulations on your lovely new baby.🌸

i wouldn’t have wanted my in laws in my house this soon after giving birth but luckily they are not close to my OH so didn’t ask to come right away. My mum and siblings came right away and helped a lot. I was very poorly and quite loopy.

I don’t agree with the messages, but I understand how hurt they must be feeling and they have reacted out of hurt.

I too would be more comfortable with my own family but I think to deny your DH’s family a little meet and greet with the newest member of the family is cruel.

You may not mean it that way but that is how it appears and how they will feel.

I don’t particularly like my in laws but I did feel that it was extremely important that things were ‘fair’ in the early days, especially as I knew DS was likely to be their only grandchild whereas my parents were likely to have multiple grandchildren. They were the last people that I wanted to see a few hours after my c section when I was still attached to a catheter and hadn’t slept for days but I did feel that it was important to them and, by extension, important to my DH and, therefore, important to me.

YABU , unless you are about to do a massive drip feed that you are NC with his family normally . Nobody is saying you have to hand the baby round but there is no reason why they shouldn’t be allowed the same access as your family .

Unfortunately your in-laws will never forgive you for this. This post is all about you. What about your DH it's his child too. Let them come around.

Texts aside, which I think were probably sent because they were upset, what you’re doing is setting two sides of the family against each other. In time, your child will pick up on that. There are grandparents on both sides and it’s unkind to alienate one set. There may be a time that you need them.

I think it’s mean. You don’t have to have them stay for hours but banning them for a week is mean. Their your husbands family. Let him deal with them.

I don’t usually post but I saw other replies and felt like you needed someone who could understand or identify with your position.

Yes there is a double standard but I actually think that is ok. There is a new baby but also a new mum who has just been through the biggest event of her life. You’re in pain, adjusting and want to feel comfortable. Your needs as mum are far more important than their needs to meet baby. Nothing will change for them by them waiting a week but the difference for you will be significant. This sets a precedent and I think it is important to establish early on that it is ok for you to have needs and put them first. If not now then when?

All the posters saying they don’t want to see you just baby are being unfair. Firstly, why should you separate yourself from your newborn in these crucial early days for any amount of time you don’t to. And secondly this highlights exactly why your family are there, they are there for you as well as baby, they want to support and see you not just hold your newborn. The messages from them are unkind and lack empathy, they call you selfish while putting emotional pressure on someone freshly post partum. The irony that they don’t see they’re being selfish. Take your time, enjoy your baby and congratulations 🤗

That's absolutely awful way to treat inlaws

The fact you allowed all your family at the hospital then again at home and your parents are staying with you.

Yet you cant give your inlaws 30mins.

Id be devastated if my sons and dil did this. I wouldnt say anything but Id be beyond upset.

To be honest, you should really be regretting keeping your in-laws away from the baby for a week rather than this post.

Change your mind and invite them over asap.

if you only feel comfortable with your own parents and siblings and not the in laws and that’s totally fine. You’re the one that’s given birth and yours are the only wishes that matter. No need for people pleasing. The in laws need to be a bit more understanding and less selfish - it’s not about them.

Oh no OP 😟 don’t feel that way - many people haven’t been harsh, and see where you are coming from.

Ignore the mad and mean posters who can’t help being nasty, regardless.