AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Yes, extremely unreasonable. If you just needed your mum around to help you with intimate personal care I would have said fair enough, but you’ve got the whole family round!

the in-laws are just as much your baby’s family as your family are.

however, they are out of order sending those texts to you after you’ve just given birth.

This, thread sounds like a prequel to the poster who has a thread about how unfair it is her mil apparently prioritises her own daughter!

Baby routines take longer than a week too. I cannot believe what I'm reading really. All your family have been allowed, his aren't.

I'd borderline say you're abusive.

I think it’s awful. We all do things we don’t want to do to keep other people happy sometimes. Your husband must feel awful for his family, lots of ways you could do this without it being awful for you - limited to 1 hour visit, him taking the baby there for a very quick visit, you nap upstairs while they visit, no drinks offered to visitors, clear boundaries etc - delete as appropriate. To be home and have all those people in your family around but none of your husbands, shame on you.

Honestly OP whyyyyy would you ask this on MN? It's mainly bitter MIL who have an axe to grind and can't really remember what it's like to be postpartum. It's hard for a lot of MIL to hear but it's NOT the same having your own mother there immediately post birth as having your husbands mother. That's fine. That's allowed. Have them round when you're ready.

How can you not see how hurtful this is to your husbands family?

One day this will be you locked out of a joyous event by - say - your DIL. Put yourself in the place of your DH's parents and try to imagine how hurt they must be. You sound quite astonishingly heartless and lacking in awareness of how your unreasonable actions might affect others. Disgraceful behaviour.

The desperation is lame? This is their new baby grand daughter! What a horrible choice of words. Should they play it cool and not give a shit?

I think it depends on the Mil and the relationship prior baby. I have a wonderful lovely Mil so felt close to her before having children so her coming straight afterwards was never an issue. She actually focussed on me and my wellbeing as much as her gc. Told you she was lovely. 🥰

Imagine, years down the line, you being the Mum of a son who has a baby - and his partner forbids you meeting your grandchild for a week. How would you feel?

It's natural to feel all out of sorts with a newborn but you really need to let your husbands immediate family meet your baby. Its only going to cause longterm resentment otherwise.

Your hormonal and vulnerable, so yes its normal to be protective.

But allowing you are setting a massive double standard if its ok to host your siblings for dinner, but not let your babies grandoarents visit for half an hour.

If you just had one of set of visitors (like your parents) but everyone else waited it would be different.

Double standards does seem very unfair I would be fuming if it was my grandchild. They’re aren’t moving in, just want to stay a few hours.

This is mean.

@underthehawthorntree I for one am not a MIL. not bitter, remember very well indeed what postpartum feels like and remember welcoming my DH's parents into our home in the first week.
One day you'll be the one labelled a 'bitter MIL'. Wish I would be around to see it.

Seeing my mum hold my newborn babies in the hospital has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I can’t imagine delaying my husband’s same joy for so long afterwards. Unfortunately his parents died before we met so they never had that opportunity.

I do think their messages were unreasonable but assuming there isn’t a big back story about how awful they are then I do think it’s a bit mean to not let them spend 20 mins seeing the new baby when your family already has, sorry.

I wouldn't say I'm besties with my MIL and actively dislike FIL. However they have always had equal access to their grandchildren. That is only fair.

I never understand these 'go and have a nap while your in-laws hold your baby' type posts.

Why not? It's perfect. Exhausted new mother gets time to sleep and rest while baby is very safe in the care of multiple immediate relatives. It's the ideal scenario.

It's not like she's leaving her daughter down the bus station to go to the pub.

I didn't want my baby away from me at all for the first few weeks never mind the first few days.

We're clearly very different people then because I was only too happy for her dad to take her for an hour or two while I caught up on my sleep / had a shower!

Why won’t you let your baby meet their grandparents? This is not sending the baby off go for a week on its own.

I think the issue has been caused by, in 2 days your entire family traipsing in yet you won't even let your in laws come round for half an hour to cuddle the baby while you have a lie down upstairs. I think if you'd just had your mum round to help around the house etc it would be different.

How will you feel in future if your future DIL does this to you and your husband?
The in laws should have messaged DH however you are being very unkind! Allowing your parents is one thing as they are helping but your siblings have have been over too and stopped for a meal!! You can’t be feeling that bad if you can have a meal with your own family! I can see why the in laws are so upset! Your child means the same to them as it does to your family!!

With respect, your husband’s parents want to meet their grandchild just as much as your parents did.

You don’t need to make them a meal, be the hostess with the mostest or anything else. But your husband does deserve the chance to introduce his baby to his own parents. Imagine if he’d stopped you doing that for a week?

@hello1999 your in-laws are wrong to call you out on your behaviour, their feelings should be kept between themselves to keep the peace for their DSs sake. However, I can entirely understand that they are feeling sidelined - for no good reason tbh as everyone is healthy - and that they must desperately want to meet their DGC, their own son’s chid. I couldn’t imagine my DS keeping me from meeting his baby. Although, if he did, I know it would be the wife deciding and I would keep my mouth firmly shut and pretend to go with the flow.

YABU

I don't know. I wanted advice but I really didn't think everyone would be so harsh. I'm really regretting this post already

I suppose the trump card is that your dh is onside or feels he has to be.

I'd find it hard to get past siblings being "allowed" to come over and stay for dinner in his space but my parents not being allowed to even meet my kid.

But if you're both on the same page then it's your own decision but I think it will have consequences for the relationship

YABU. Our first baby was rushed to intensive care, but both our parents and siblings were welcome to visit. Similarly, during our first week back home, we welcomed parents and siblings on both sides. My husband only had a 2 week paternity, he lost a week at hospital, only 1 week back home- that would have been awful to deny him time with his side visiting too.

How would your side feel if only your DH’s were allowed to visit? How will you feel in future if you have a son but only his wife’s side are allowed to visit?