AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Your MIL is mean but you are being a bit unreasonable since you have your other family staying and your siblings having meals with you etc.

If you don't want to be with them while they admire the baby, then don't. You might be a bit on edge but get your DH to keep it short. Otherwise, it'll be an hour out of your life. I promise I have been where you are and it is v weird having visitors when you feel like death and are sitting on a rubber ring, but it's not for long. Everything feels endless when baby is new.

It will be ok. Once they have had a peep at her, this pressure is off you for a bit.

I never understand these 'go and have a nap while your in-laws hold your baby' type posts.

I didn't want my baby away from me at all for the first few weeks never mind the first few days.

I didn't invite any family members until my baby was a few weeks old though.

If they are local can you get someone to tidy a downstairs room and let them see the baby. You are not obliged to let anyone hold the baby or play pass the parcel.
When I went to a family party I used a sling for that reason.

YABU and precious

How long does it take you to have a shower?
🤣🤣
it would be 10/ 15 minutes max!!!

my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

They seem like they really care about your feelings right now, you should definitely care about how they feel.

I think its a bit harsh.

I'd tell husband to arrange for them to call in for a coffee. You sit where you feel comfortable, whether that be in bed or on the settee, let dh sort family out and let them have a quick meet of baby.

Doesn't have to be long, just half hour or so until you feel better, but it is a bit sad that your parents, brother and sister have all been welcomed, your parents to stay for a whole 2 weeks, and your husband's family can't quickly pop in.

Sorry, but you're very much in the wrong, and I'm surprised that you don't see it. Your husband is very nice in being willing you to get away with this, but it is rude, unkind, playing favorites, and can trigger resentment which carry over to your child. You should not only allow them, but also apologize.

They are very hurt and lashing out . To avoid any ongoing problems you should sort this out .

I would be so upset if my DIL treated me and my family like this . As less than or unimportant compared to her family . It is very unfair of you . I don't know why your husband is allowing this either .
Being post partum is not an excuse here as you seem perfectly capable to have a houseful of visitors , meal conversations but only with your chosen people .

Very very unreasonable of you .

Yanbu.

since when does anyone get to decide when they visit people?

The desperation is lame.

This......
You don't have to see them but it's unfair & cruel to ban them entirely. It takes a village & all that.

You are lucky you had a DD, so hopefully you won't go through the same thing...

Think of how you'd feel if you were your in-laws; I think you are being unkind. They can help you; you've built all this 'routine' stuff up in your head as it's your first. You will find one but it'll come naturally most likely, and if you set expectations in week 1 you are likely to be disappointed and stressed when things don't go to plan.

There are always going to be times when you are not going to be looking and feeling your best, and are you going to ban all your husband’s family on those occasions too? They are your family now, whether you like it or not. You married into it, you should relax and be yourself around them.

Having kids is knackering, it won’t just stop in a week. Let them take you as they find you. Wear your dressing gown, let them make their own coffee (and make you one too). Let them join in on this joyful family event.

YABU.

This is ridiculous. Do you need to see a GP? If you can’t stand to be around your in laws for 15 mins, unless there is a massive backstory, then you need some kind of help.

In the meantime, put your big girl pants on, give the baby to your DH and disappear upstairs. Leave a baby monitor on if you want reassurance. But it’s really cruel just to ban them, when they are the child’s closest relatives after you and your DH.

Ignore this. You’re allowed to choose.

This is about you. And your baby. And your dh. B nobody else. You choose.

Honestly, it's my idea of a nightmare to have to deal with DP's family when I'm feeling unwell, never mind after giving birth, because I'm just not close to them. Pleasant and polite enough, just don't see them enough to have ever really developed a relationship with them. So I wouldn't want them seeing me like that!

But at the same time.. it's your husband's baby too, and his family are excited to see her. Just as excited as yours were!

As others have said, have them round, but just say hello and then excuse yourself and have a nap. Let them take care of baby for a couple of hours, or until she next needs a feed anyway.

It's not ideal, I know, but I promise you, the better you get on with them the better - you want to make sure your "village" is as big as possible.

I think this is really nasty of you to be honest. They are just as much related to the baby as your parents. Suck it up for an hour.

I'm sad at what I'm reading as a mum of boys. If your baby is a boy it could be you being excluded one day.

Very unreasonable and selfish. I am amazed DH, the baby’s father is putting up with that. I wouldn’t dream of treating my husband’s mum like that.

I’m a granny on the in-laws side. When DGS was born, and even when I go now, I didn’t just hold the baby. I did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made some meals, DH mopped and vacuumed. Obviously we did hold the baby, and we play with him now he’s 2.5, but we did/do help out too. If you don’t give your MIL a chance you’ll never know.

I love this. It's so true.

Especially when the in laws are clearly deeply unpleasant people.

YANBU . YOU gave birth- you get to decide who you feel comfortable with coming over. One week is fair enough. I do understand their side too. Can your dh explain that it's because you don't feel able to meet anyone other than your family? If they sulk then fuck them.

You could be a mother to a son one day.Just how do think you would feel if you where in the same position that your in laws are now.They are your DH parents.

Yabvu

If you can have several of your family members over for dinner then your in laws can pop over for an hour and a cup of tea. I honestly think you're being incredibly selfish.

I would let them come round and meet their grandchild!! (I mean I did, my in-laws came to the hospital on day 3 i think??) You are setting yourself up for years of future drama... As others have said get your DH to manage them when they're round. Of course they're hurt, you are treating them like second class citizens 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, I've got little kids and all family are welcomed at the same time and equally! If you weren't inviting your side, fine, but this is awful. All grandparents aunties/uncles etc are equally related to the baby! And it's very sexist to say that just because your husband's mum had a son, she shouldn't come. Are you going to be complaining in a few years that your PILs aren't close to you, never babysit, and never leave you any money?
Unless they've done anything wrong to you, you should be welcoming them (even the annoying ones should get a chance, some of mine just wanted waited on hand and foot and showed little interest, but I can tell my kids with a clear conscience that I did my best to give them all a good chance to have the best relationship). Let them help, and your husband deserves to celebrate this without feeling like a second-class person. This will cause problems with you down the line, and remember if he splits up with you, they'll still get to see the child, just without you. I wouldn't be able to think about my partner the same way again if they were selfish and prioritised their set of grandparents etc over mine, and a lot of people would question their relationship.