I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

OP, I'm not going to find childcare to go to an afternoon BBQ without my kid if there are other children there, regardless of what food he serves. If you feel the same, explain this to your brother. He will be in this situation time and time again if not.

You sometimes get this sort of situation from people who don't have kids but now he has one, he needs to realise that if he wants you there his nieces and nephews need to be welcomed and not merely accommodated. I suspect there is some neurodiversity involved which is why he might benefit from a clear explanation.

Personally, I think life is too short to go places where my kids aren't welcome so I don't, unless it is an obvious kid free event (night out in a pub) and then I choose wisely whether it is worth the effort of sourcing child care or not.

Was this Bbq really boozy and druggy?

I would have gone home instead of treating the kids like lepers!

Yeah, what did you expect to do with your kids? Just leave them at home? How old are they?

I’m assuming not old enough to leave alone at home, if he’s got a one year old, but maybe if they are older teens who eat a lot he didn’t want them there.

It’s so weird that he wouldn’t either specify “adults only” or not expect you to rock up with …. Your family!!!!

Initially I thought of course I'd assume kids would be invited. But he seems very rigid and if he didn't specifically invite the kids then from what you've said about him now I'd not have assumed they are invited and would have sent a text to check.

I think that's pretty odd behaviour but if he is always like this then you should know what to expect really.

I don't have time for drama like this, it would be no I'm not available to future invites, we can meet at family events.

I’ve read your previous flower girl post too. Your brother and SIL are seriously weird and for some reason obviously have a problem with your daughters. Personally I’d confront him about it and ask him outright as their behaviour towards them is hurtful and rude.

what type was it? your brother sounds like a right jobs worth.. no offence. If he doesn't clearly explain and then won't speak about it on a phone call he can hardly complain if unexpected guests turned up. It is odd to not invite your own niece and nephews to family BBQs too.

What kind of BBQ was it if it wasnt a burger and Sausage bbq 🤣

Is he and friends big drinkers? Or drug takers? If that is the case, none of us would go, because im not keen on kids being around drinking and would never expose them to drugs

I’d be astonished if they weren’t

Your brother sounds nuts. Has he always been a twat?

Even people with half a brain cell know it’s not easy to arrange childcare on a Sunday during the day 🙄

Yes if I invite my brother and SIL somewhere I assume their kids are coming. They have 6 so sometimes I’ll follow up with asking if the older ones will be joining us, because they’re teenagers now so they’re too cool to be seen with their old aunt and uncle. If my brother or SIL invite us somewhere the kids are always also invited.

In our family, unless it’s explicitly mentioned we assume kids are coming, and normally if the kids aren’t coming it’s a conversation about where the kids are going and who’s minding them.

Unless he texted explicitly that it was child free or something like "Baby is off with her grandparents on Sunday afternoon so we were planning on a nice bbq are you and John available", I would absolutely presume that the family was invited. Who expects a couple to get a babysitter for a random sunday afternoon bbq?

I'd also say no thanks to an invitation that required me to get a babysitter for my kids so I could eat a sausage on sunday afternoon with my brother and his baby.

Sorry but I have never in all my years been invited to a weekend BBQ, esp one in the afternoon, by people with kids where everyone else’s kids were not also impliedly included. Unless the wording stated a ‘BBQ for the grown ups’ or ‘an adults only get together’, then yes, your children should have been included. And to arrive to see OTHER children present and it still being stated that yours are not welcome would be a relationship reevaluating event for me.

Sorry, but I’d be going low contact and grey rocking the brother for an extended period of time after this. He owes an explanation and an apology. It’s, frankly, wankerish behaviour.

Is his dc walking yet?I bet the cf will want your dc there to amuse his in the coming months when he has to parent not stand drinking and eating.

To be honest your brother seems the odd one here

Your brother sounds like a dick. I don't think I'd bother with him in future. In this hot weather I can't imagine making children sit inside watching TV. I'd have just left with them and popped into a restaurant with them instead.

The brother sounds very rude and weird. I would be avoiding him.

Your brother sounds strange and the communication problem is definitely on him in this instance.

1. It’s one thing to want a child free bbq, it’s another to plan a bbq on an afternoon with a one year old present (ie, not a newborn!) and exclude older children.
2. If you want to do this, you should spell it out.

I assume he didn't want your kids as they might run around, and the babies wouldn't. but he should have been clear from the get go, not expected you to turn up at all given you'd need a baby sitter and he does sound odd re his communication style. In your place, I would have expected the kids to be invited and have done what you did, if he didnt want that he should have been explicit.

unless it said for an “adult only bbq” it would be insane not to assume he meant “your family” when he said you.
is there more background?

Unless it was specifically described as an adults-only barbecue, I'd probably assume my children were included. Most family invitations naturally include partners and children unless the host says otherwise.

It's when people assume that their dogs are included that it gets really interesting. I went to a family BBQ a while ago and three families turned up with dogs, so four dogs including the host's.

Yes. What's your bro doing with his one-year-old if it's adults only?