I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

Your brother is a bit weird!
There were three babies and a dog there, but your children, his nieces/nephews weren’t invited… bonkers!

Exactly

My mother met our step-father through us, we were at primary school with his kids and brother and stepbrother were best friends at primary school.
We remain close and do socialise BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER STEPSIBLING, the full sibling of the others.
My brother would never invite him anywhere because he is 13 years younger and doesn’t really know them. Her wouldn’t get that all three should be treated the same.

So there is you and your brother (the children of your mum) and you have three step siblings (the children of your step dad) but your brother ignores one of them? Why?

Id ask does the invite include the children?

What are “literal children”?

What the

What other type of barbecue is there?

I would 100% expect it meant children too

Not read whole thread but yes, unless they are adult children. If it's middle of the day an invite means you and your children, if it doesn't I'd think that's off unless there's a really good reason and it's specified in the text. It's not usual to not have children at day time events with close family members.

Your brother is weird and unpleasant.

However, you seem to know he is weird and unpleasant and stupidly rigid about inviting randomly selective people and not allowing them to have guests, so you may have been able to guess that he would have mentioned the children if he wanted them to come.

Frankly I would just tell him you won't be accepting any invitations during family time (eg weekend daytimes) that don't include your kids. If he wants to see you and your partner with no children present he can invite you over for an evening with enough notice to get childcare.

If my sibling held a Sunday afternoon BBQ and deliberately excluded my children, I would be extremely offended. I would definitely be having face to face words. I think this is one of those which seems normal in your family to accept brother's weirdness but is in fact highly bonkers.
I suspect you knew all along that they weren't invited, but chose to play dumb, and good for you, because of course they should be there.
I think you should ask him directly what the hell is problem is with your kids. I know you've said that they're no trouble etc but it shouldn't matter if they are- they're family. Turn up at his door and ask him outright without giving him a chance to claim communication issues.

How utterly ridiculous

The embargo on phoning them or questioning their texts is not normal social behaviour OP.

If they are not ND, then I can only conclude they are intolerant, bullying and rude. You can't say people are lovely and compassionate yet admit they are too short-tempered to field a well-intentioned phone call.

ETA oh and that's before we even get onto not asking your dc when other dc are present and he knows it isn't a school day,

Personally I find this very strange…

You're used to your brothers way of texting and being very literal .. so how come you didn’t see his text as excluding the kids?

Also it’s extremely weird to exclude your children when it’s not even an adult only event… did he say anything about you taking your children? If not then what’s the issue?? If he did then did you ask why your kids were excluded when there was clearly other children there!

Of course your children should have been included. It is bonkers to invite parents of a 7 and 10 year old for a Sunday afternoon barbecue and leave the kids out. It is also extremely rude to make the children feel
unwelcome when they turn up, even if they weren’t invited. I think in your position I wouldn’t be accepting any more invitations from this couple.

Did you also miss the part where his friends brought their babies?

Honestly, I feel like your brother is a bit of an arse. If my sibling or parents message to invite us to a BBQ, it's always that we are all invited... it would be a rare exception the other way and it would be made expressly clear e.g. this is an adults only event.

However, I think that happened once for a joint hen/stag do, certainly not a random Sunday.

It feels like a really odd dynamic and the fact he gets belligerent if anyone calls to check and refers you back to the specific names in the message is weird. I've never heard of any family functioning in this way and it feels so stressful that if you aren't sure you can't double check, like one of those automated phone menus that keeps sending you back to the start again. It would drive me up the wall.

I think it's incredibly odd behaviour. I also don't understand the 'leaving out' anyway. There were other children there so it wasn't a specifically adult event either.

It feels at odds with general communication, if we aren't sure about anything in our family, the first thing we do is pick up the phone, figure that out and probably chat a bit longer too. Yes...different families do things differently but it feels jarring and clearly you and your Mum struggle with it too.

Your brother sounds cold as ice, OP. I'd get sick of his stupid rules really fast. He's also a shit uncle.

It wasn't even an adults-only event. Other children were invited, just not his own sister's kids.

He sounds like a pretentious dickhead.

This happened to me once (but it was for an evening meal) although thankfully I texted with some dietary requirements for one of my children so the host was able to correct me and clarify the invite was only for DH and me. In my scenario, the host did not have children and I think that is probably common for parents to assume children are included but for child-free people not to hold the same assumption. Its just crossed wires.
At least your brother accommodated the children when you all showed up, which was good manners.

Also babies are different to children in that they are not mobile and don't eat the same food as the adults, so I can see why he would have your children in a different "category".

For us it would depend on the person. So family yes kids are invited. Friends we would check or assume not.

Your brother is very weird

This is totally not normal

You should have a bbq and only text your SIL, and when he turns up you can tell him he’s not invited. (Or don’t do that in reality - it’s petty!)
he does sound a bit odd tbf.

why cant the kids attend on a Sunday afternoon barbecue with family?

he is so random

how does anyone find a sitter for a Sunday afternoon? And why would you want to pay money for
that? He is delusional

I agree - TBH, although @Notmotherofflowergirls states he is not diagnosed with autism etc, his behaviour seems very ND. (I say that coming from an extended family of several dozen where at least 80% are on the autism spectrum, ADHD or have other NDs such as dyslexia etc - usually a combination of 2 or more. Most of those are very successful in careers/academically… but relationships can be somewhat tricky for many.)