I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

What did they expect you to have done with your children?

Very odd.

Did you stay or go?

Sorry, just saw your update.

They stayed, but were clearly not very welcome!

Of course they’d be included!? What are you meant to do with them otherwise? Your brother sounds a bit of an odd ball. In my circles anything with no kids is organised weeks in advance and is made really clear it’s an adult thing but would tend to be in the evening anyway.

He holds his mother to the letter of a text and won't even discuss if she rings to check? He sounds rather odd, some sort of control freak perhaps. Does she go if her partner isn't invited? I wouldn't.

No, because I assume only those mentioned in the invitation are invited. Like it or not, not everyone sees a family as a package that always come with everyone included - sometimes people only want to socialise with the adults, or one person of a couple. That's perfectly acceptable, but people should then also expect that some people might not want to come to their event.

We are a normal family. I’m not super close to my brother, but yeah. Normal. It would not occur to me that the kids weren’t invited.

If this really happened your brother is a dick to make his own nieces and nephews feel unwelcome at a BBQ. I'd be busy in the future if he sends invites.

I would absolutely assume it was a family invite but I wouldn't assume that if it was 7.00pm on a Saturday night.

It is weird. But so is you not checking - by TEXT - given you obviously already know he's a bit funny about invites and doesn't want to be phoned?

I want to hear more about the not sausage and burger food.

YANBU

Life's too short to engage with awkward twats like your brother. I would decline invites to his from now on. Who needs this ??

If it said "do you and Mike want to come", I'd check. I'd say "would you all/would you Mike and the kids" if I was meaning all of you.
But then, if I was specifically wanted a no kids get together so everyone could relax and not worry about some kids running into the grill, I'd be sure to write adults only..
Is it just a family get together?
Because pre-kids, we planned a BBQ with friends, and I didn't specify no kids, because only one of our friends had one, and she lived with her parents who were happy to always babysit. But she turned up with her kid and her dad, and let him wreck the house/nearly run into the grill-so I should have been clear adults only!

Where other children are invited and you would have to get child care on a Sunday afternoon to go to what sounds like a casual barbecue at your brother's house. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that DC were not invited. My brother would have laughed if I'd rung to ask it would be so obvious that they would have to go. He would have to had said sorry I can't invite the children this time we're having a stripper or something such.

I would absolutely think that anyone I'm close enough with to warrant an invite to their afternoon BBQ would expect me to arrive with my DD (3 y/o) - especially if it was a family member!
Unless it was made clear in the invite that it was a hen do or something else that is usually just for adults.

He has his own child who would be there so of course i would assume the kids were invited. Where did he think you were going to 'put' the kids while the two of you popped out. How weird

It's your brother's style of communication that's problematic

This. It’s his communication choices which have caused the misunderstanding. And if he made it obvious that the kids shouldn’t have been there he’s a graceless host as well as being odd for not wanting his nieces/nephews at a weekend bbq.

Families with children do come as a package, the norm should be the family attends, a daytime family event.

it was a BBQ not an adults only wedding and not inviting a family to a daytime Sunday BBQ is unwelcoming and rude.

I would not bother to attend if my children weren’t invited.

These people walk among us, your brother is very odd.

He expected you to fork out for a babysitter, just to go to a BBQ?

Yeah I would assume if family invited us for an afternoon bbq it included everyone. He moans at your communication style but his social norms are not coherent in the way I think most people are. He should have stipulated no kids

I would not expect that he meant the kids too if he specifically said you and your husband, no.

To me, thats clearly saying dont bring the kids.

Your brother is rude.

Probably but would depend on the age of the children. I mean if they’re teenagers they might prefer being left at home.

It sounds like he has been consistent. If you are named on the invite, you are invited.

If this has always been the case, how are you still not understanding him?

I don't have children, so I'm often at events that aren't particularly set up for families, but even I would assume that an afternoon BBQ is a family event unless specificied otherwise. And if I was doing a BBQ, and for some reason decided it was adults only, I'd expect to be clear in the invite - that it was adults only, didn't want to exclude you from the invite but do understand if you can't make it - because who in their right mind would ship their kids off to a babysitter for an afternoon to attend a BBQ?
Also, I'm autistic and prefer text and take things pretty literally, but this is just another level. Honestly I think the fact that he excluded your children once you were there by making them sit inside for a film is inexcusable, I wouldn't accept invites from him again. It's weird and controlling.

I would also like to know what was on the menu!