I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

On first paragraph: he’s a bit of a dick and likes to play power games?

second paragraph: that’s a different scenario, it’s okay not to want the extra unrelated guests. But re family members it’s weird and also referring people to the text invite wording - what a prince

If he usually invites the kids but only actually mentions you and husband then yes I would.
If he usually would say 'would you, Dave and the kids like to come round' but didn't say that this time then I'd possibly take it that they weren't. But I would check.

YANBU. He sounds rather odd.

He would argue that the text was clear as it had my and DH’s names… but for a BBQ.

my question stands

Sounds like he’s one of those people who are compassionate only to some collective people like “refugees” but not real people in flesh and blood/or family.

I'm trying to say this delicately, but does he not realise he's operating at something of a distance from the rest of the human race here? That the parents of two small children are really not going to be disposed to try to find afternoon childcare so they can attend a barbecue that at least one other baby was going to be present at without their own children? Or is he like those people who try to pretend that childfree weddings are them actually being specially thoughtful, so that parents can really let their hair down instead of wiping noses and checking for children's meals?

He sounds like a fucking bellend. More specifically, the performative "good works, what a saint" public persona and then acting like a monumental dickhead, playing mind games to people he apparently loves... screams vulnerable narcissist.

Tell us again why you bother with him?

Your brother sounds rather odd. The scales may fall from his eyes if he gets to a stage in life where he is expected to source Sunday afternoon childcare.

It's fine to text back and say "just checking you really do just mean me and Ben and not the kids".

But next time I just wouldn't go. Why do you want to spend time with someone who expects you to mind-read?

Really sorry Op but this is spectacularly ironic that an “ Everybody’s welcome" type does not want to welcome his sisters’ kids to his BBQ. I supose the children wanted a sausage and not some delicious Vegan treats!!

If my sister invited me to a BBQ at hers and did not specifically say It was an adult event I would expect my children were invited.

Okay, so you and your mum know what he's like. As annoying as you might find it, you won't change him. So a suggestion for handling it - 'Hi X, would you and DH like to join us for a barbecue on Sunday' - 'Yes thanks, the four of us will see you at 3pm!'. Then if it's not what he meant the onus is on him to come back to you and clarify.

No, it is weird. He and his partner will hopefully wake up when his baby is older and realise that children are part of the family, and families generally come to weekend, pm barbecues. And that parents generally don't find it easy to find babysitters for weekend afternoons.

Weird he doesn't realise this already...

He's been rude.

Your brother treats your mother like that with regards to her partner "refer to the text" ?! What does his wife/partner make of his very odd attitude to dealing and communicating with family ?!

What was it then, Wagyu beef, lobster and champagne served by silver service wait staff?

How do you know they weren’t expected?

That's way too much effort and headspace allocated to someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about you.

I would stop engaging and we see at family events. Look at her history the brother and his wife were also weird when they got married and it's obvious they don't care about OP and her mother so stop engaging or have any expectations.

Frankly im surprised that OP is surprised given she knows what he is like and how he treats even his own mother.

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I would just show up with the kids. They are hardly going to kick you out.

Read the OPs few posts?

I see his point, he asked about you and DH, he didn’t mention the kids. So if I were you I would have checked and let him know you’ll have the children with you and check it’s ok.

I do see you side also because it’s a family gathering on a Sunday afternoon, surely he’d know you’d have children with you?

@Notmotherofflowergirls i do hope you return the favour before summer is out!

Who will he get to babysit?

He sounds absolutely weird. I can’t see why you would even engage with this, life’s too short to put up with mind-games. Next invite, just respond “no thanks, our family is busy” instead of all this ridiculous wondering who is invited but being unable to ask because he doesn’t like that.
FWIW, of course most people would assume their small children are invited. Where are you going to get a babysitter at short notice on a Sunday afternoon?
He’s behaving like an idiot and it seems unfortunate that your wider family is willing to indulge him.

What a fucking knob.

Next time tell him to stuff his flambe leg of lamb and blackened fish up his chocolate starfish...

He's your brother and you can't 'phone him to check?

Your brother is inhospitable, rude, insensitive and not good at communication.

But given that you know this, I would specifically have asked.

And then not gone.