I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

Yes otherwise I wouldn’t go.

What did he expect you to do with the kids?

YABU to be drip feeding over pages.

The fact he has chosen to have a group of adult friends round, and made allowances for those with small babies, and kindly asked if you'd like to join this adult gathering is fine. It might not be what you would choose to do, and might not be what the families of other pasters would do, but it is a perfectly legitimate thing to choose to do - perhaps more so when it sounds like a more sophisticated soiree than a burger and sausage / kids running round the garden affair. Both can be fun, but they are different events. The hosts get to choose what sort of event they wish to host.

YABU to assume other people were invited anywhere, when the text was clear in mentioning names. Had he said "Would 'you' like to come round", that is more ambiguous, but you admit he said "Dave and you" which therefore makes it clear it isn't "Dave, you and the kids".

YAparticularlyU to do so, as you know your brother and his ways of behaving and communicating. Asking 'the internet' without explaining how your bother is, is also unreasonable, because you know posters will answer thinking of their own brother, without knowing that your brother is different from yours without all the drip, drip dripping you have been doing.

I still don't see it as that weird! He can hardly exclude his own kid from his house, but if all, or even half, of his 25 guests bought 1-2 kids between them suddenly that's doubled the size of the party, and completely changed the atmosphere from an adult event where the hosts own child was present for a bit before being put down for a nap, to a big multi-age party.

1 baby (who can be put down to sleep in their own bedroom) is very different to ten kids, ranging from toddlers who have to be constantly supervised, 8 year olds running around playing, and bored teens sulking, all taking up space and attention.

In my experience having your own kid doesn't magically mean you suddenly love all kids or want to socialise with them! It's very normal, for example, for a wedding to be child-free other than the children of the couple getting married - it's an easy way to draw a line.

We arrived to find that they weren’t expected. Our cousin was there with their baby and a few friends, one of whom had a baby.

From one of OPs posts, more than one baby, not just the hosts.

Absolutely this. He’s their uncle! I’d be busy as well next time. Tbh though OP your brother sounds really hard work if he’s always trying to invite random subsets of his family.

Tbh I would still be very surprised if there's no neurodivergence undiagnosed, given what you said about the phone calls.

Being compassionate and witty, being a godfather and helping refugees are not mutually exclusive with autism.

Are you sure he’s not nd just undiagnosed?
Regardless, he sounds like a dick why are you putting up with this ridiculous nonsense.
All very well having performative compassion for strangers but acts like a controlling arse to his family.

Of course - it’s day time and you’ve been invited by a family member so it’s safe to assume family are invited!

I know you say he’s not ND but his behaviours and SILs are classic ND traits displayed by members of my DH family who range from undiagnosed through dyslexia to ADHD to AuAdHD.

it is how he is and you know that so there’s no point getting annoyed. You just need to thoroughly double check in the future.

Yes a Sunday afternoon for all family

he sounds weird

He sounds weird and rude, can’t imagine having to guess and communicate like that with my sister. Can’t imagine my sister inviting others kids but not mine. Whole thing is strange

Of course you would expect your children to be invited to an afternoon BBQ. Your brother sounds really peculiar and obviously not family orientated. Nice to know a dog gets an invite over your kids I'm sure.

Your brother sounds like he needs to be on the receiving end of his own style of treatment once in a while. There’s no issue with it being a no kids event, but then state that. It’s fair to assume if they invite you , on a Sunday afternoon you’d assume his nieces were invited. For any other family event you would say, adults only if this was to be the case. Lesson learned. And tbh if this were my brother I wouldn’t be arsed to engage at all in things like this. His responses just come across as plain rude and intolerant of others and differing opinions. It’s funny how he can be direct to your face but can’t handle a phone call 🤔 and I’m ND myself, so I do miss social cues sometimes. Given he had form for this, you definitely always need to clarify if unsure.

I see both sides. Sometimes I explicitly say ‘we’re having a get together with food and drinks, if you can get a sitter be great to see you’. I know some of my friends find that rude, but I find it rude having planned an afternoon of adult conversation, food and music, to then be asked to put kids tv on, be interrupted, asked to mind my language and ‘do you have any normal food for the kids’. I think if you invite the family inc kids you cater accordingly but if you’ve been clear and friends bring kids anyway, I make it deliberately awkward, ‘no sorry, I don’t have normal food because I hadn’t planned to have kids here….

so, you know he is rigid and literal, his text was clear, and you seem to hold your own rigid opinion that 'you only mention the people who are invited, not those who aren't'.

I'm confused as to why you made the assumption this time.

I would always assume my kids were included in an invitation from my brother.

But it's clear from everything you already know about your brother that your kids are not invited this time.

Yanbu
I would have definitely assumed the same and taken my DC.

Sorry but your DB and SIL are quite odd imo.

FGS just ask him! It'd have been quicker to find out directly from him than ask here! Don't you have a decent relationship with him? 🙄

Why didn't he want your kids there? It's all very odd tbh. I think he's undiagnosed ASD tbh. Not wanting to talk on the phone and saying all the info is in the message and being so black and white about it all smacks of ASD or at least some sort of ND with ASD traits.

Why on earth do you both with him at all? I wouldn’t.

But why were your children not invited? That is utterly bizarre! Of course he can invite who he likes, but nobody (other than your brother) invites their sister and BIL to an afternoon barbecue to which other children are invited and intentionally leaves out their niblings.

I’d automatically assume my kids were invited! What does he expect you to do with them?

How weird , he sounds up tight. They are family why wouldn’t they be invited to a family BBQ.

Yes I would absolutely assume my kids were invited and if I was having the bbq they would assume their kids were invited.