I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

I would definitely expect my kids to be included in an invite to a bbq at my brothers on an afternoon. I’d see it as a family gathering !

this is the bit I'm stuck on.

ok, he's VERY literal, and given that it might have been wise to message SIL and say can I just confirm, the kids aren't invited? just so I know I need to decline / sort childcare?

but the bigger question is why? it feels like such a spiteful thing to do. oh look, he's my mates and their kids but your kids aren't welcome.

What exactly did he expect you to do with your children all afternoon? I’d say he should assume you’re a package and specify who’s not invited if and when it’s not all of you. What a strange man.

Well he sounds autistic to me. Gavel

I initially said YANBU, but as I read your comments it became clear that you know your brother, and his foibles, very well. So you should have interpreted the message in the way that he intended it to interpreted.

The man is odd. What’s the big deal to texting and asking if the kids are invited. He’s hard work and a bbq deserves burgers and sausages. Salmon is a week day staple. I don’t want it bbq’d thank you ☺️
This is all tongue in cheek btw but I couldn’t be bothered with a sibling who acts like this to be honest.

For me the question is why did he leave your kids out? I understand that as far as he is concerned his original invitation/text was clear it was just for you and DH. But honestly I would want to know why he didn’t include the kids?

Oh fuck him op. He needs to get with the programme. A family afternoon bbq includes kids however bloody precious and pernickety he is. Don’t tip toe around grown adults like this. It only enables their entitlement.

Maybe it was a hog roast !!

Would do barbequed children taste like?
Young and tender?

I

That sound a bit swanky.

Are you called William and Kate by any chance ?

Of course it would be assumed the kids are welcome. Unless he states its a chemsex party. Then the BBQ would be superfluous and the invite would not be for a BBQ.

Very odd behaviour but you know that - but adult conversation needed here. Ask him why and ask him to be specific in invites and to say he doesn’t want members of your family there but also don’t indulge him by making it ok to exclude members of your household- how does this make them feel and can he look them in the eye and say your not welcome as he’s asking you and your husband to do this - if he isn’t already aware that it’s just plain unkind then let him know how it feels and see if he cares ?

I think it sounds great, and I'd love it! Makes a change from the normal stuff.

If someone wanted an adults-only event on a Sun afternoon, knowing you have two kids, it's a) odd and b) they could have specified that in the text. I've been to plenty of Sun afternoon bbqs and never has anyone had an adults only one anyway! It's a family time of day, with people who have families. I would just say' would you like to come over on Sun' to the mum and expect the entire family to come, it would be so odd if only the mum came over!

Every time I think I’ve seen weirdness on here, another level of bat-crap crazy comes along…

Who has an afternoon barbecue and doesn’t invite their nieces/nephews (assuming siblings are invited)?? Honestly, the more I read Mumsnet, the more I realise my family’s brand of weird is actually almost socially acceptable…

Your brother is weird. And - saying this as someone who is ND - quite possibly ND (we can be professionals and charming and responsible too you know). You know what he’s like, so you should have checked. I mean, you shouldn’t have to, but you should have.

It’s all just…weird…

Absolutely outrageous!! I just cannot understand posters asking questions in detail about the text, its not normal to assume your children aren't invited to a BBQ. Hes absolutely the arsehole.

This - what does he expect you to do with your dc? Make them disappear for the afternoon ?

Absolutely, and a lot of people seem to get off on it as well.

Well, my brother would definitely be inviting my kids, but your brother sounds unusual so maybe you should check, via text of course, in the future?
Also it wasn't a burger and sausage type BBQ? This gets weirder and weirder 😂

If it was me I would say, in a text,
my children are my responsibility. they come places with me. If they are NOT invited, I need to know this explicitly.
Otherwise I will assume they are
invited to family events,
as they are my family.

you weirdo.

It’s odd not to invite them, yes.

But given that you obviously know exactly what your brother is like and have given us numerous examples of him being very literal with his invitations in the past, I think you were a bit daft to think he’d suddenly become a different person and that you could assume he was inviting your kids when he hadn’t mentioned them.

It would be reasonable to assume anyone else meant the whole family, but it wasn’t reasonable to assume your brother did, because you know full well that he intends everything he texts to be taken absolutely to the letter.

I have to say, as others have, that your own written communication isn’t great in terms of clarity.

OP, you seem to have a good understanding of what your brother is like (e.g. "He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names"). So, I assume you knew the children were not invited but decided to bring them anyway because you were incensed that they were not included. Is my interpretation correct?

He sounds totally bonkers.
One of those people who assume everyone is thinking the same he is all the time.

@Notmotherofflowergirls You absolutely do need a follow up conversation with him - by text if necessary to explain that it's not normal to exclude a sibling's children from a Sunday afternoon family event. An evening dinner party, fair enough, but Sunday afternoon BBQ.

I assume it's because his DC is so small that he hasn't got to grips with kids being included - apart from small babies who need to come with their mothers.

If it was my brother I'd be wanting to know why he excluded them.