I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

So if only your Dh's name was on the invite, maybe you weren't invited either?
Your brother is a lot of hard work, I don't think I could be bothered with his silly way of inviting and getting snippy with your mom about only her name not her partner on the invites. All sounds a bit controlling.

What does he expect you to do with your children on a Sunday afternoon? Seriously? He’s being ridiculous. Or maybe he just didn’t want you to go?

But why would/should he see it as his problem?

He's invited you to a bbq, if you can't make it it's not his fault. The reason isn't really relevant. It's no more his problem if you can't make it due to not having childcare than if you couldn't make it due to feeling ill or having something else booked or your car being in the garage.

You're making it into a huge drama, when it's just a random weekend BBQ! He invited you, you choose whether to come or not. It's as easy as that. He doesn't have to bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible for you to attend, you don't have to attend if it isn't convenient, for whatever reason.

You both seem a bit odd, with terrible communication issues.

Yes, you're right in that most people probably would invite the whole family to a bbq. But it's not particularly odd that someone who doesn't have kids doesn't invite everyone's kids to every event they host, nor is there anything wrong with that. Personally if the invite specifically said 'Do you and Tom want to come to a BBQ' rather than 'do you and the family' or 'do you all want to come,' or 'bring the kids,' then I would have checked asking, and if the answer was no wouldn't have been offended. Equally if I hosted an event that kids weren't invited to, and some people couldn't attend because they didn't have/want to get childcare, I wouldn't be offended.

As per the MN saying, it's an invite not a summons!

Did you not ask him who he thought would watch your kids if he invited both their parents?

"But it's not particularly odd that someone who doesn't have kids doesn't invite everyone's kids to every event they host, nor is there anything wrong with that."

But what is odd in this case, @latetothefisting, is that the OP’s brother actually does have a one year old of his own.

Its clear. He texted OP something along the lines of 'would you and Bob like to come for a BBQ on Sunday'. It would be even more odd if he wrote 'would @Notmotherofflowergirls and Bob like to come for a BBQ on Sunday'.

This is a rude and pedantic man. Don't be the same.

Who the fuck invites their sibling and BIL to a barbecue and doesn't invite said siblings children. When he has a kid too and there were babies there? Ridiculous. As if you could you just leave them home alone last minute to go to his barbecue. Tie them up to a lamppost outside. Christ almighty.

Your brother is weird.

Then why didn't you TEXT him back? Why does it have to be a phone call? If you know he prefers texting communication, why not respect that?

Ooo-err, proper fancy!

I like it.

I’d always assume kids were invited unless specifically stated otherwise and the reason for family things or with those with children themselves. I think some of you are in different worlds. My dc were included to parties, even cocktail parties and dinner parties growing up, my dd said it was really helpful because she new how to behave and eat formally when she joined the military

This would be completely unheard of in my family - to have your own DC there but expect other people to leave theirs home.

Is it because he basically wants adult socialising and conversation, and doesnt want anyone paying attention to DC (but disregards because they sleep/dont interrupt conversation/dont dictate timings etc).

Bil was like this a bit but now has his own daughter & realises how awful he was. Hes rather apologetic now

Your brother does enjoy having you all dance to his tune doesn't he?
As an aside, i've met a few people like this in 'compassionate' jobs. Vulnerable people tend to follow the rules of those who are helping them, which suits controlling people well. They also get to hide bad behaviour, rudeness, impatience, behind being a good person doing important work.

I voted YABU but because this was an invitation from your brother - you know full well what he is like, how he functions, how he communicates! Knowing this - what made you think that an invitation to you + DP is actually an invitation to you + DP + 2xDC? From everything you have said he'd have included them if he wanted them there!

Calm down love - it was just a question! 😄

Your brother and your whole family sounds extremely...unusual. Strange, even.

May be he just doesn't like your kids? Some are annoying and parenting styles clash, being family doesn't erase that

@Notmotherofflowergirls your brother doesn’t follow basic social norms and expectations. As you know, what’s written in a text isn’t the whole message and it might be worth reminding him of this. If my brother text and said are you free to come to a bbq on Sunday, I’d assume the whole family was invited, not just me, and that’s an assumption most people would make in that situation. It’s not common to exclude your children in this situation, so if he didn’t want them there he needed to expressly say this in the text. If he and his friends are only just having babies, then he’s going to lose a lot of friends and upset many people in the near future if he doesn’t learn and follow basic social norms when it comes to social activities.

To give OP’s brother some credit, he has made his communication preferences crystal clear, so much so that OP can accurately predict how he would respond to texts, but people continue to either assume he doesn’t mean what he clearly says, or they call him instead of text!

Just respect his communication style. Don’t call him. Take his invites exactly as he words them.

(Admittedly he is rigid and a bit uptight, and I will say that being employed, intelligent and compassionate doesn’t mean he isn’t ND! There are plenty of us!!)

👍

Sundays is a no go for me. Family day. End of.
So I would assume kids invited. If not, I wouldn't be near it.

Whenever I ask my sister if she wants to meet we both assume kids will be there unless stated otherwise

This is one of those situations where you don't realise quite how dysfunctional it is OP because you are so used to it.

It is fucking weird to invite your sister and brother in law to a barbecue and on a Sunday afternoon without their children. And that's without getting into the all the deeply strange ways in which you are allowed to communicate with him

You should have mentioned the kids when accepting - I assume you texted to say you were coming- so me, DH, kid1 and kid2 will be there thanks. Then the onus would be on your brother to speak up if he didn't want the kids there.

Your brother is ice cold