AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

I do care about my family. But my daughters happiness is my priority. Especially when I know my niece and nephews can have chips at the restaurant.

And I feel your pain
with family it’s always the same restaurant and it’s dreadful and we would never eat there if it wasn’t for them but we have to put up with it every time or WE are being mean

they don’t give a toss about our feelings

Cause I didn't think it was relevant to mention just how picky his kids are?

OP - call and ask for plain pasta for these pickyzillas.

You are teaching your daughter to be a very selfish host. If she wants to spend time with her cousins then she should consider the basic things that would make them comfortable, like being able to eat. Seafood is a bit of a niche preference and is widely disliked. I’d be encouraging my child to be more accommodating of people she’s supposed to care about,

Could you/BIL call the restaurant and ask if they will cook some plain pasta for them? Presumably the booking is large enough and they recognise that they will get the drinks orders etc (and not risk an outright cancellation) that they will jappilt accommodate this. Then everyone gets what they want.....surely this is obvious.....

Chips are not a meal. It's shitty to expect them to just eat chips, particularly when everyone else will be eating a full meal.

Its fine. That is what she wants to do for her birthday and she shouldnt be made to change it.
If her cousins dont want to eat there, they can skip that part of the day and go get something they will eat.

You also said:

"I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them."

Surely it makes more sense to take your daughter to this restaurant on another occasion when it's just immediate family than to expect extended family to fork out for this so-expensive restaurant and/or you having to put your hand in your pocket to sub them?

It's a tweenzilla's birthday party not her bloody wedding. If she wants the fancy fish she can accept that not all the family are going to want to go with her.

You're not even paying for the guests meal!!

Lol. No chance would I be taking kids along to a birthday meal at an expensive restaurant just so they can sit and eat chips whilst watching the rest of the fam tuck in.

Can brother bring something else for his kids to eat?

I don’t think either of you are being particularly unreasonable.

It’s your daughters birthday so she should get to choose the restaurant.

However by choosing somewhere expensive and a seafood place you are excluding others from potentially enjoying it or wanting to go. I expect that a lot of children probably don’t like seafood.

It seems as though you are looking down on them a bit because the children only eat beige food, but very picky eaters are annoying.

But no one is forcing them to come.

I doubt a fancy restaurant would allow that. We have a friend with severe allergies and most places won't even allow her to bring safe food to eat.

I think this is an important lesson for your daughter actually. She said she wanted to spend the day with her cousins, so she needs to choose a restaurant that is suitable for them. When you’re hosting something, you have to consider everyone that you are inviting, whether or not you think they’re fussy or difficult. If she wants to go to this restaurant so badly, she either excludes her cousins, or goes another time.

Incredible entitlement and joy-sucking on this thread.

On her birthday, the OP's daughter wants to go somewhere that gives her pleasure.

The fact that her cousins are fussy eaters shouldn't have to make her go somewhere bland and characterless.

This pandering to childish picky eating is infuriating to the rest of us.

There is no way you should change your daughters birthday so it makes your brothers kids happy, what on earth kind of message would that be for her, never put yourself first, doesn’t matter what you want, give it up and let someone else decide, fuck that,

go to the restaurant, your bother and his kids can join you for the rest of the day and meet after and eat elsewhere for dinner,

it’s beyond shit of him to even request this, whay a selfish shit he is,

Of course she isn't being malicious. She's 12 but this is a chance for her to learn about how these things work. It's like taking small children to pick a gift for a friend. They need to think about someone else and they don't get to keep the toy. These are opportunities to learn how to make your life proceed with more social ease. Having read Mumsnet posts about disappointment over invitations, these are valuable lessons you can teach her that will stand her in good stead for the future.

Important lesson my arse, we need to stop giving girls the message they don’t matter.

she can spend the day with them, just not dinner she can have the rest of her cousins and family at the dinner,

Obviously you're in the right. I'm glad you're not going to spoil her treat.

could you contact the restaurant and explain its for a special family occasion but unfortunately 3 children will not able to eat fish, and is there anything else they could do for them? I think the manager of a decent place may well make an effort to accommodate everyone. What about something even very simple like an omelette?
Or something with cheese? Or pasta?

Nope. And they shouldn't go.

But it was easily predictable this was going to cause bad feeling if the rest of the extended family attend and the only reason brother's kids aren't there is due to not being able to eat anything other than chips at the restaurant selected. OP just has to accept that.

And yet her adult uncle is not teaching his kids not be selfish - he wants them all to go to one of 3 restaurants which are the only ones they will eat at , and which the OP's Dd does not enjoy!

This apparently widely disliked and niche restaurants serves non fish dishes.

I assume you think everyone is selfish if they don't pander to your fussiness?

Have you ever been to a restaurant?

They tend to have things called "menus" that tell you what they serve.

They're not random caterers.