AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Is the food at the other restaurants stuff that you and your family don't enjoy? Or do you still manage to have a nice get together at these places with food that everyone is happy with? So therefore not really that much of a compromise, compared to your brother's kids sitting with a bowl of chips?

The obvious solution is one mentioned by several other people - go to the seafood restaurant with your children and husband, when you know everyone will enjoy the food, and on the birthday itself have a bbq, pizza in the garden, whatever, something a bit more laid back which everyone will enjoy if the priority is to have fun celebrating with extended family.

i think you should be graceful and allow your brother and kids to opt out without complaint from you and dd. I can’t imagine anything less celebratory than paying for my kids to eat chips in a restaurant, while everyone else enjoys their food. It’s not a failure of the kids or your brother and fussy is such a laden, judgey term in a world where hopefully we understand neurodivergence, development, personal autonomy etc etc

Agree with you here OP, I don't think she should have to compromise on her birthday! She gets to go where she wants to go - within reason, and if you're happy with her choice that's all the reason that's needed.

Slightly different, but similar, we're vegan. If my son was invited somewhere with nothing in the way of vegan options, I'd contact the restaurant to see if they could accommodate him. If they couldn't, then we wouldn't go, but even if it was just chips and an apple, we'd go to celebrate his cousin's birthday.

You obviously knew that this would be a problem for them as you’ve said yourself that they will jy eat at 3 restaurants. It’s fine that she wants to go to this restaurant but you have to accept that by doing so you are basically excluding them, which is not necessarily a problem if everyone is ok with this arrangement.

They don't sound picky they sound like they potentially have ARFID.

As someone who really dislikes sea food, the smell everything, I'd be saying. Ok we'll see you before but won't come to the restaurant, hope you enjoy it and have a great time.

It's a 12 year olds birthday party, why does the brother and his kids have to come. Wish the birthday girl a lovely time and go home/elsewhere. It's her birthday, she's made an adult decision to go somewhere different, it's not her fault that I, for example, wouldn't go there

Can't you have a meal or picnic food at home or in the garden. Why does everything revolve around going out to eat?

Ds has severe arfid. He is mainly tube fed.

his cousin turns 18 later this year and wants a family meal. I specifically said to him not to worry about DS and we would sort something with him soon after. However he not only picked a restaurant that he knows DS feels comfy in he contacted them to make sure they would be able to cater to his safe foods.

makes me feel lucky that we have such caring family!

As a host, you do need to consider your guests even if they are pains.

What about the other guests, who do want to go to the restaurant? Why does brother get to call the shots for someone else's celebration?

It’s an invite / they are free to refuse to go to the meal if they do want to / leave it at that

Because you've chosen somewhere you know his kids can't eat.

I'm vegan, if someone claimed they want to celebrate their birthday with me present then chose a steakhouse where all I could eat was chips, I would also be l upset, and I would not go.

Your daughter either wants them there, in which case she needs to choose a different restaurant (and go to the fish one another time) or she doesn't want them there.

The fact everyone else will go so your brother and his family are excluded from a family gathering is especially upsetting.

So who would still be at the dinner if your brother doesn't go? Sounds like there will still be cousins there? And the fussier cousins will attend the rest of the day? In that case I think you are being reasonable to stay with your daughters choice.

This is my point I am trying to make. It's her birthday and this is the one chance she has to go to the restaurant she wants to go to. We can never usually justify going to that place because it is expensive. Hence why I am willing to pay more money for dinner on her birthday because she deserves to enjoy her birthday dinner.

I’ve got a fussy child. Many times her dinner at a restaurant has consisted of chips and bread. If they eat chips I can’t see why they wouldn’t come

That's what you do when you actually care about people. OP and her DD don't actually care about brother and his kids. That's the difference.

It's not always possible to satisfy all your guests but as a host you should at least consider them.

I find it interesting so many people are saying that the host needs to consider the guests. I kind of feel like for a birthday the guests should be considering the host. It’s her birthday, not theirs. Birthdays are about celebrating the person whose birthday it is. In any other circumstance when you’re planning a meal out with family, for sure you plan a place suitable for everyone and everyone compromises.

I don’t think it’s the daughter who needs to continue to bend to the cousins preferences, it’s the cousins and the OPs brother who should be learning that sometimes you compromise for the sake of the person the event is about. For example - someone’s favourite cake might be Black Forest gateaux, which not everyone likes. On their birthday, they should have it, and the guests should celebrate them and not make a fuss about not liking it, not insist they serve a vanilla sponge instead.

Basically, OP I don’t think you or your daughter are unreasonable and I think your brother should tell his kids to suck it up and eat chips for this one occasion, and they are old enough to know better.

That’s fine but you both need to realise that choice excludes some of the people she claims to want to be there.

So she either goes for her meal with less people or she picks something different (on top of all the other activities she is getting!) so everyone can be involved. She can’t have it both ways!

A seafood restaurant will have pasta. If they only eat chicken nuggets, chips or plain pasta then this is a really easy solve. Phone the restaurant in advance and check that they will be able to make just a plain pasta dish, with a bit of butter or cheese grated on top. It isn’t that difficult.

My kids eat everything, always have. A lot of their friends are like those kids and eat only beige shit. So I call ahead and check if a restaurant can just make plain pasta. I’ve never had an issue getting that.

Because she wants to go to a restaurant for her birthday because it's rare we go and eat at a restaurant

But you can use that justification to do her special birthday meal there another day. It doesn't have to be on the party day.

I feel like you’re just making stuff up now to get more people to take your side. Originally you said your brother’s kids don’t like fish. Now you’re saying they won’t eat anything except a specific shaped chicken nugget.

No. Ask the restaurant for plain pasta. A seafood restaurant will have pasta. It isn’t difficult to call ahead, check it’s ok, have a note on the booking and order it when you’re there. I’ve done it loads of time for the picky kids who behave like toddlers when asked to try food.

She can still go for her birthday it doesn't have to be on the same day as the cinema and spending time with her cousins.

I wouldn't want to eat at a seafood restaurant so I would decline the invite. I also wouldn't go and only eat chips.

But you are not 11 and under,

The adult brother is happy to eat from the menu. Kids are generally happy with chips and dessert.

Totally unreasonable for the brother to want everyone's choice dictated by his kids' nugget restriction.

And the restaurant has non-seafood options for fussy / veggie / allergic adults