AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

They can eat before and have chips and a dessert
I wouldn’t be changing the restaurant

I think it’s fine to insist on the restaurant.

But you need to accept if they chose not come.

Fish is just not something everyone likes. I’d struggle to go to a fish restaurant myself.

But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

They have the option of lots of other things but they have rejected it.

You can insist on the restaurant. But you cannot make them come.

my kids were fussy abd honestly we just said no if there wasn’t anything they could eat.

it’s an invite not summons

Guessing your brother likes everything to be about him.

I wouldn't want to eat at a seafood restaurant so I would decline the invite. I also wouldn't go and only eat chips. If she's understanding that her cousins might not attend the meal then that's fine but personally I would have saved the restaurant for a 1-1 meal or a family trip for her birthday and chosen a different location if the purpose of the day was to spend an enjoyable time with her cousins.

I think YABU because your daughter has said "on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins" but she has also chosen a place where they will be miserable. She can have one or the other

Not liking fish is fairly common. Surely there are some non fish dishes?

Yeah of course. My brother knows this but he does want to come to the restaurant anyways for the sake of my daughters birthday

DD’s desire to spend time with her extended family conflicts with her desire to eat at a costly place some of them would dislike.

How expensive? I’d feel a bit at having to pay for the meal tbh. It if you say everyone else is okay with it…

Asking them to go and not eat isn’t fair.

stick with where you have booked is fine but you can’t expect them to come along if it’s not suitable for them.

Surely they can have the fun at the cinema with you and then leave before you head off for food?

Yeah there are non fish dishes. But none of those dishes are meals that his kids would eat

You have two choices - insist on the fish restaurant and exclude your brother and his family OR go somewhere else that everyone can enjoy and take your daughter to the fish restaurant on another day. She's 12. She's old enough to understand.

I voted YANBU, but I’m teaching on the edge of changing my mind.

It’s completely understandable that your daughter wants her birthday party to be in a place she likes but there are presumably other places that she likes and she could have a special meal in a special place sometime else.

As she’s wanting a party and inviting people to attend, then she has to decide which is more important. The party or the special meal. It’s a shame to leave out close relatives because you cannot bend on where the party should be held. Have the party somewhere else and have a special meal in the seafood restaurant at another time, just with you.

I’m vegan and there’s no way I would be eating fish. Nevertheless, I can usually find something acceptable. Still, it’s nice when the venue is somewhere that all the people you want to attend your party (if you really do want them all to attend) can enjoy the food.

Of course she has the right to choose the restaurant, but given that the intention of the day is to spend time with her cousins it would seem to make sense to choose somewhere they would be more comfortable with and save the seafood place for a meal with just your family.

It depends. I don't think anyone is being completely reasonable or completely unreasonable. If your dd wants to spend the day with her cousins, she should be taking their food preferences in to account and choosing a restaurant that suits everybody. If she's not bothered if they come, then fire ahead with her choice of restaurant and accept the cousins may not come.

So basically, which is more important to her - the restaurant or the cousins? Both are reasonable preferences to have but if the restaurant is more important, then she doesn't get to be put out at the cousins not coming.

In terms of etiquette, it's basic to choose a venue or menu that is suitable for the guests you want to attend.

I think your DD should have been encouraged to consider whether her priority was the food or the enjoyment of the invited group.

If I was your brother though I wouldn't have said anything, just declined.

Basically both sides are unreasonable!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

But I do think that if I wanted to spend the day with specific people for my birthday, I would try to make sure that my guests had fun too.

Then he is being unreasonable. If the restaurant doesn't suit and your dd doesn't want to change it then he should just decline. I can understand why he might be disappointed at your dd's decision as she is prioritising the restaurant over her cousins but he doesn't get to decide on her priorities or object if he doesn't agree with her decision.

I have autistic children with very limited safe foods. Each have their favourite restaurant, one eats chips only at her brother’s favourite and then at her favourite, her brother eats only a side he likes. It’s just the way we do it and it works completely fine.

I just make sure they have something else at home first so they’re not overly hungry on just a small meal/side at the restaurant and sometimes my dd will grab a Mcds drive thru on the way home and ds sometimes leave some of his snacks in the car for afterwards. It works for us and it’s one meal and your daughter’s birthday choice. My dd always chooses pizza which ds has never even tried and will never try, he still happily comes along to celebrate and has a side and a dessert.

Then his family's enjoyment should have been factored in.

Fine not to change the restaurant but I would probably give it a swerve in your brothers shoes, youve gone with an expensive restaurant with a menu that if you don’t like fish is going to be hard to find something you like. I know you have given your dd free rein to plan her day but it’s a bit crap to say well your kids can just eat chips then

Are there dishes on the adult menu they would eat?