AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

OP, this is a good opportunity for DD to learn how invitations work. You can invite someone and if it doesn't work for them, they won't come. If you want young kids there, especially those with a limited palate, you need to compromise.

My DD gets to pick a restaurant on her birthday and her cousin is veggie, and she always considers the veggie options when choosing as she values her cousin's presence and happiness over a particular venue, which I am pleased about as this accords with my values. cousin is very easy going but DD feels it should be fair that she gets a decent choice.

I am more interested in hanging out with people than going to a particular restaurant. Both you and your DD sound like you are more bothered about the venue than the company. If you are okay with that, you are being entirely reasonable, as is your brother if he doesn't want to come. Entertaining 3 small children who won't eat the food is the stuff of nightmares for me so I do completely understand if your brother declines.

I agree with this. I think your brother is being a bit of a jerk but it sounds likke a very vad idea to take every one out to a fancy meal thr three cousins don’t want to eat. The kids are hoong to be bored if they are not eating. Its hoing to devolve into a shit show.

You can insist on the restaurant but you can't insist on your brother going. I wouldn't force my kids to go to a restaurant where they wouldn't like the food. Just split ways after the cinema. No need to make it a big thing.

‘let our daughter plan the entire day’

Think that’d be OK if the day was involving the nuclear family and / or a friend or two with very similar tastes, but seems unwise when involving others.

most 12 year olds don’t have the social experience/ skills to manage situations like the one that has arisen. It could be a useful lesson in hosting / compromise.

So I told him that his kids can have chips.

Such a convivial host!

I think saying she is prioritising the restaurant is a bit harsh. She's 12. She wants to spend the whole day with her cousins, going to the cinema, playing in the garden at our house. But she just wanted a birthday dinner that she is rarely able to have due to the cost of the restaurant. It's not like she is being malicious

She's 12 so not a milestone birthday. If she wants to go somewhere fancy then take her but don't bother with the rest of the family if they're going to be difficult. A lot of people are picky about fish but it doesn't sound like their kind of place either and your daughter might enjoy it better without them.

I’d explain to your daughter that she can have her birthday dinner where she likes but if she wants her guests to enjoy it too she might want to pick somewhere else. Hopefully she will change her mind. You could offer to go to her favourite place with just the two of you another time.

It's fair enough that they don't like fish, but it's not fair that they should moan at you about it. They said they didn't even have an alternative restaurant in mind so why don't they just decline? Or accept the kids having chips and dessert?

Do they expect you to both not go to the place your daughter likes, but also not go out at all? That's ridiculous.

She wants to spend the whole day with her cousins

Then teach her how to plan an enjoyable day for others.

You're teaching her the wrong lesson here, she does need to understand how to interact socially.

Absolutely cannot bear fish, the sight and smell of it turns my stomach. But that’s a
”me” issue. I would decline the invite and give the reasons, but meet up either before or after the meal.
No big deal at all. I certainly wouldn’t be trying to change the birthday girls choice! Hope you have a lovely time!

Honestly I think you are being a little unreasonable. It is normal to choose a place that you think will suit the people you are inviting. She wants to spend time with her cousins so it would be nice to choose a place that those three can eat at. Otherwise just have a meal at the fish restaurant with your dd and ds. I suppose it depends what is most important - eating at that specific restaurant or spending time with the cousins somewhere less expensive and with more things they would eat on the menu.

I don’t think anyone thinks she’s being malicious or nasty.
Prioritising the restaurant is just a factual description of what’s happening.

She should understand at 12 that there is nothing on the menu her cousins can eat. Fair play to your brother for still being willing to go as there is no way I would.

Then it is a them problem. They need to teach their kids to stop being so fussy or they will miss out. Having a list as long as your arm of things you won’t eat is ridiculous (allergies notwithstanding)

I think it's fine for you all to have a lovely day together and then split for dinner.

I would discuss this with your daughter though and say - 'oh you know, cousins don't like fish so they won't be joining us for dinner' - if she then says she would rather have her cousins there at a different restaurant then that is her choice.

Skip the meal and have a bbq at home with all the cousins and then take your dd separately for a meal at the restaurant she wants later in the week or the next day. That way you’re not putting people in the position of paying for an expensive meal and excluding cousins and your dd still gets everything she wants.

They can have birthday cake at home then the rest of you can enjoy the restaurant - and it saves you having to subsidise them financially.

I would resent having to pay a lot for a meal most of us wouldn’t enjoy.
Is this a good time to explain that? Get a cheaper meal, and do the fish restaurant separately another day.

Honestly, do you want her to turn into the kind of adult who organises expensive hen do, and wedding on the other side of the world, then gets upset that not everyone will join in?

But she is prioritising the restaurant and there is nothing wrong with that. She knows the cousins won't like anything on the menu but still wants to go there. Prioritising the restaurant experience over catering to her cousins is not malicious and I never said it was. We all make choices over what is more important to us and that is different for everybody. I can particularly understand her prioritising the restaurant if her cousins are ridiculously fussy and only eat low common denominator "kids' food".

My dd was, and still is, a foodie. She would have loved a posh seafood restaurant so I know where your dd is coming from.

Just a note to the 'make them less fussy' - I'm reading a really interesting book 'Gastrophysics' that talks about how we all perceive tastes and smells in a different way due to genetic differences in how we process smells/tastes.

So people who you say are fussy are likely to perceive the foods you like in a different way to you - they may (as someone above does) find the smell abhorrent - this isn't fussiness, it's genetic difference.

Why don't you offer to take her to the restaurant just with immediate family (or just you) another time and chose a cheaper place that.everyone will like for the party. Twelve year olds are old enough to understand food preferences and to want their guests to enjoy the outing too.

If her goal is to spend the day with her cousins then Id pick a different restaurant and just do an immediate family meal instead at seafood restaurant

What a fuss, he can just eat chips. It's not his special day

YABU.

You need to explain to your dd that she has a choice.

It is either more important to her to go to a particular restaurant, which she will then be going to with just her parents. OR she can choose to go for a meal with the extended family, but it will have to be at a restaurant that everyone will enjoy.

It's not difficult.
Your brother is not being unreasonable to not want to pay our big money to sit and have his family watch you eat. That is a ridiculous ask. It is still a ridiculous ask even if you were treating them all.

At 11 / 12 your dd is old enough to understand something is only fun if everyone who is there is enjoying it too. Either round of the day with BBQ / pizza / takeaway at yours, or go to a local pub where everyone can find something they like if the company is important to her, or, explain to her she won't be spending the day with her cousins, but she can go to the fancy fish restaurant with you and her Dad instead.