AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

And that is why many children don’t eat a wide variety of foods.

Ah, the bad parenting accusations.

Restricted diets can be incredibly complex. They are often a feature of autism but they can also be a form of control by the child. I only ate about three things after my brother was born when I was 3 - it practically broke my parents trying to get me to eat properly.

I then adopted a child who had even more good issues than I had! We went to Madeira for a week and she ate plain pasta in every restaurant.

Foreign kids may have different ways to express their distress than over food, but here it is so often around food.

It's stressful for the parents too, who may have inadvertently created the conditions for it to thrive, but blaming isn't going to help.

I just think any family dealing with this stuff should be shown some compassion and not made to feel blamed or excluded.

Why should she?
A burger place isn't very celebratory.

As a parent of a couple of picky eaters, one very restricted, I wouldn't be kicking up a fuss about this. We can and did go to restaurants where two of our kids would just have chips and dessert. If anything in an expensive place it was a bit of a relief, as it was generally a pretty cost effective way for us as adults to have nice mains offset by the cheapness of the chips & dessert combo. The kids would have peanut butter sandwiches prior to help with the wait.

The 'burden' of managing fussy eating rests with the family - the parents and the fussy child/ren - not anyone else. If the wider family generally caters to the fussy members I don't see why it's such a big deal to have one meal where that is not the case. Your brother needs to pull his head in and parent his kids rather than making it your daughter's problem.

If she's absolutely he'll bent on the entire day being with family then she needs to learn to make compromises and maybe go to the fancy fish place another time when she's not stating she wants everyone with her

Else she's just gonna have to learn that people have their own tastes and if they don't like the option they aren't forced to come

I would say that it depends on what the invitation say.

Unless the family is loaded, I wouldn’t assume I have been invited for a free meal especially when so many people are involved.

This crops up frequently on mumsnet.

All the loaded mumsnetters always assume that a meal at a restaurant is paid for by the birthday person.

Meanwhile, in the real world, everyone else assumes that they will be paying for themselves. It is a meal not a party, and the birthday person isn't hosting.

I’m not loaded, but I wouldn’t invite people out for my child’s birthday and not pay. I couldn’t afford to for a big group so I’d go immediate family and then do something else with group.

Exactly. A birthday meal, I would expect to pay for myself. A birthday party, I expect the host to put on food and some drinks, I may or may not buy my own drinks depending on the venue.

I have a wide circle of friends from all walks of life and that is the norm in all of them. You'd maybe pay the whole bill for a significant birthday but not a regular one.

I say crack on OP. As a PP said your brother's kids can have chips and a dessert not just chips. The restaurant might be able yo offer something they would eat if they called up in advance. As a kid I would often be taken to places i couldn't eat (due to a combo of being vegan and certain food dislikes), I just ate what I could (bread, chips, whatever was feasible) and ate proper food before or after. Kids are very spoilt these days. And I have some so I am not saying something that I wouldn't expect of my own. I've looked at menus before and thought hmmm they won't eat anything there, and either fed them in advance or taken snacks they could eat whilst others ate, then they had a pudding. If your DB's kids are so limited in diet then he needs to recognise that that will limit their opportunities, so he should be encouraging them to diversify their diet or understand the consequences if they aren't willing to. I suspect it his him fussing rather than them though (ie he is annoyed you are depriotising them versus DD, rather than that they are upset or would care about just having chips and pudding).

Live a little

A burger is not the be all and end all.

Hmm....if it was a fancy restaurant like you said I'd have taken her there just with her, your husband and son and think of a different idea for her if she wanted her cousins there. If there wasn't anything on the menu for my child then I'd refuse to go.

Your daughter wants to see her cousins but also wants to eat at the restaurant they won't eat at. I'd be using as a teaching point in that sometimes you cant get everything you want. And she needs to chose, but that in chosing she might not see her cousins for as long.

I personally wouldn't want to attend a seafood restaurant and just eat chips. It picks you out as odd ones out. Id perhaps build the rest of the day up bigger and leave the meal as much more optional.

We have a family meal every Christmas with extended family. Some are picky and i'd not dream of booking somewhere just because I liked it if I didn't think there would be food for all the kids attending. But then as a host you think about everyone and consider their needs and feelings.

Not suggesting that she should change her mind but that it needs to be mentioned as a consideration she needs to make. So she is aware of implications.

As long as your daughter understands the situation, it is fair for her to make the decision about which is more important to her, eating at her chosen seafood restaurant OR having her cousins at the meal with her.

Don't think the brother ever thinks of the extended family as they always have to compromise and go to one of the 3 restaurants he picks, maybe for once he compromises

I just think any family dealing with this stuff should be shown some compassion and not made to feel blamed or excluded.
Where is the 'compassion' when the rest of the family has – always, it sounds like – to go to one of three restaurants with menus most of them find dull, because they're where these children 'have to' eat?
And they're not being 'excluded'. They can have chips, sides, puddings, fun drinks, and spend time with their cousin.
IMO it is also compassionate, as well as responsible, to teach and model for children that sometimes it's nice to do things that wouldn't be your choice, when it's the choice of someone you care about, and how to fit in and get something out of those occasions.

One meal at a restaurant is not the be all and end all.

I have a child who is currently working a dietician and is fast approaching an ARFID diagnosis. We frequently go out for meals where she won't eat anything. Being around food, family and friends is important. As is learning the world doesn't revolve around her. Of course we ensure she eats, we don't force her or coerce her. She has lots of food rules and we abide by them. But we don't revolve our lives around them.

No harm will be done by just eating chips and a pudding for once. The real harm is not introducing these children to other choices at all.

I think those saying your daughter is prioritising going to this restaurant is unfair it’s her birthday, as you mentioned your family always goes to 3 other places where the nephews can eat, which means they never seem to consider anyone else only themselves and also the comments about your daughter has to learn to think of others again unfair - cos really the nephew and cousins aren’t thinking of the birthday girl are they by wanting to arrangements to change for them,
don’t change , not everyone likes the same thing and that’s ok I hope you daughter has a fab time and happy birthday to her when it comes

@randomcar1990 what hapenned in the end?

Hope your daughter had a lovely birthday

I can’t get my head round people saying this young girl shouldn’t be able to go to the restaurant she wishes on her birthday but go to one others wish to.

i mean wtaf.

I can't believe some of the answers. People would seriously not attend an important family member's (especially a kid/young person) birthday because they don't like the restaurant or menu? That's why this society is turning so individualistic. People can't leave their ego behind to do something for others.

I know! If they genuinely can't eat anything there, most restaurants are pretty accommodating at either making something different or letting you bring your own. My daughter is coeliac and some places are great, and some are awful for her, but we would never dream of telling somewhere where they has to have their meal. Their occasion, their choice.

Agreed. Can’t believe people criticising the brother. He’s said it isn’t suitable so the question then is does the daughter prioritise the restaurant or the cousins? Either is fine but she can’t insist on both!

You got it op - she’s 12. More than old enough to understand the situation. If you said “she’s 4” I might have SOME sympathy.