AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

At 12 your dd is old enough to learn that the needs and preferences of guests has to be considered and catered for. You should be teaching her that. The lack of compromise is selfish and isn't teaching life lessons.

Have a mother/dd dinner at the fish restaurant.

Yeah, my brothers kids are extremely fussy to the poing that there is only a like 3 restaurants we can go to with the whole extended family. Hence why my daughter wanted to choose a different restaurant for her birthday

There is an awful lot of fuss going on for a 12th birthday anyway. Sounds like learning that sometimes you need to think of others in plans wouldn’t actually impact on things much anyway as it’s just one of a lot of events and may do her some good!

Is your daughter okay with her cousins not being at the restaurant meal?

She's already having another birthday party with her friends the following week. So this will be two events for a non-landmark birthday, which is pretty generous.

Why can't you just spend the day with the family and cousins and then the immediate family take your daughter to the expensive restaurant in the evening? I wouldn't expect extended family to even semi-fork out for an expensive restaurant for a 12th birthday.

I do think when you are inviting younger children you have to be more understanding and accommodating than you would be for adults.

Personally I wouldn’t choose a restaurant that doesn’t work for others if the purpose is to spend time with those people.

We always have to compromise. There is 3 restaurants we always have to go to with the extended family because my brothers kids are picky eaters. Why should my daughter always have to compromise?

If she's chosen a restaurant specifically knowing her cousins won't like it, it doesn't really sound like she wants them to go anyway.

It’s great she can learn consequences, that by choosing a restaurant that other invitees do not want to go to, these cousins will not attend

not a big deal, brother and cousins can eat somewhere else and then you can all meet up again after

it is good for her to learn

I would ask brother and his children to meet us after the meal for other activities. They don’t have to be at the meal if it’s not to their taste. I’m very easy going and will eat anywhere. But have noticed some relatives and friends will not! I’ve always said we will meet up after the meal because I don’t want them to waste their money eating something they don’t like!

Then you really probably could have foreseen how this was going to play out 🤷‍♀️

She shouldn't. But equally, she should not expect extended family to fork out £££ to attend an expensive restaurant for her 12th birthday where it's unlikely her cousins will find anything they are able/willing to eat.

Either she can go to the restaurant with just immediate family OR find a restaurant that will suit the extended family if she'd desperate to have them there.

I feel like you're drip feeding a little now some people have disagreed with you. I find it quite unlikely there are only 3 places they could go to.

That's life. Your dd can and will eat a varied diet. Her cousins don't.

Then perhaps this isn’t the right activity if she wants to spend time with her cousins? Maybe go out as a smaller family to the restaurant and do something with cousins separately?

All my other siblings and their kids are excited to go to this restaurant. It's just my brother who is upset

What kind of meals are your nieces/nephews "rejecting". I cannot think of anything most restaurants would include on their kids menus that wouldn't have something they could/would eat. Ir may nor be eg McDonald's if that is their preference, but surely there would be something. Pasta and tomato sauce, sausage amd chips..that kind of thing?

Neither of you are wrong. My DD is a fussy eater, I wouldn’t take her somewhere she doesn’t like the food. I wouldn’t expect my children to sit there with a bowl of chips. I’d just wave goodbye after the initial activities and go somewhere else. No hard feelings.

If your daughter really wants to spend all day with her cousins you could skip eating out and dine out at a later time/date as a family.

I think it depends on how fussy the cousins are & what type of restaurants you have to go to when with them? What foods do the cousins generally eat?
I find that many restaurants can often accommodate fussy eaters by serving regular food without eg a spicy sauce. Maybe this could work?

Happy birthday to your dd & I hope she enjoys her fish dinner.

I can understand her prioritising the restaurant then.

I would suggest you just tell your brother that she really wants to go to that restaurant so the best option would be to split up after the cinema. That said, I would probably have suggested to dd skipping the restaurant that evening and doing it with just immediate family another evening. As a host, you do need to consider your guests even if they are pains.

Because she’s 12 and going out for a meal with extended family is about finding a way all family members can come together and have a nice time. Also again she’s 12 and going to any meal out should be considered a treat not a compromise.

Anyway she doesn’t have to compromise just accept that some people may choose not attend.

Then there will be plenty of people to talk to at the meal if your brother doesn't come.

You could say that about the OP though.
If have booked somewhere that suited everyone.

She shouldn’t have to compromise if she doesn’t want to.
And it’s great that everyone else wants to come.
But it’s a big ask to expect your brother to come to an expensive meal that his kids aren’t going to eat/enjoy.

My brothers kids only eat chicken nuggets and chips are restaurant, plain pasta if they really have no other options. So we are very limited to like 3 restaurants when we go to dinner with the whole extended family. Because my brothers kids are also picky about how the food looks. So if the chicken nuggets look or taste different, they will not eat the food