AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

No pasta dishes at the seafood restaurant?

Lots of kids don’t eat fish, if they are your DNs surely you have an idea of what they do and don’t like … you said your DD wants to spend it with her cousins but then won’t change a restaurant that they won’t eat in?!? So if they don’t go then she won’t be spending her birthday with them, so pointless.

Hard disagree. The family always eat at the same not very interesting restaurants to cater for the lowest common denominator (the fussy eaters), so why shouldn't she eat at where she wants to for once for her birthday?

She just needs to accept that the fussy eaters won't be there.

And I would say that the cousins, especially the oldest who, at 11, is nearly the same age as the birthday girl, are old enough to accept that if they continue with such a ridiculously restricted diet then they are increasingly going to find social occasions difficult for them to attend.

What next?

Can't do school residential because they might be expected to eat something not on their short list.

Can't attend school prom because they are serving a proper meal.

Can't attend family weddings because the bride and groom want to serve their guests something other than chicken nuggets and chips.

Maybe you could ask the restaurant if they could do some chicken nuggets for your brother's children? If you explained the problem well in advance, they might be able to accommodate them.

I think this is an excellent solution actually.

They still get to come over and go to the cinema and by saying that is the end of the "official" celebration then the cousins are included.

If the meal afterwards is then billed as optional for those who wish to come then I don't see they can object at being left out. Frankly if they have such restricted diets then, sooner or later, they are going to have to get used to the idea that there will be things they miss out on. People may accommodate this pickiness while they are children but the older they get the less likely it is that others will be willing to do so.

Maybe I do lack reading comprehension because that was gobbledygook

Sounds like you should take your daughter to the restaurant as an immediate family thing and just have cousins over for a takeaway or whatever on another night. She wants to see her cousins and wants to go to that specific restaurant. They don’t have to happen at the same time.

Other members of the extended family want to go. They are probably also bored of catering to the requirements of these three kids for family meals over the years.

Why should they miss out?

Definitely, that’s why she is asking of our views in Mumsnet: she knows it might be too expensive and she knows it may not be right otherwise she wouldn’t be posting about this!

And I would say that the cousins, especially the oldest who, at 11, is nearly the same age as the birthday girl, are old enough to accept that if they continue with such a ridiculously restricted diet then they are increasingly going to find social occasions difficult for them to attend....
What next?

Friends will get fed up because every time they want to go to a cafe, or get a takeaway if they're hanging out at someone's house, this one person will be saying no to everything. This will happen increasingly as the 11yo moves through secondary school.

I think this is tricky too. I can’t imagine actually putting my hand up to say I can’t afford it. Choosing a restaurant that’s unusually expensive without automatically offering to pay and waiting for people to put their hand up and ask for 10-20-30% discount is super awkward.

I have a serious shellfish allergy so often have to skip things (can’t eat at Thai restaurants, or chippies, or most shellfish places, or any of the bbq type places where they share a grill etc etc) so I would have actually made this a family meal and had the extended family for something easy and budget friendly. Since you’ll be at yours anyway I’d just stay there and put out / order a buffet of some sort. Sounds like loads of people with multiple families so the restaurant will be a faff anyway.

And your niece and nephew clearly are a bit beyond ‘picky’ from what you’re describing. Sounds like sensory issues, maybe even ARFID so it’s not like they’re being deliberately annoying. Eating a portion of chips while everyone else has multiple courses and they’re surrounded by food that’s hard for them sounds pretty unpleasant.

Well the OP isn’t hosting here. She’s inviting her family to join her in paying for an expensive meal. So a bit different. The brother should just say no thanks really with no hard feelings on either end - paying for the privilege of going to an expensive restaurant with too many people and no food for your kids sounds unpleasant.

Immediately negated the ‘maybe’, I see.

I guess

Lots of kids don’t eat fish, if they are your DNs surely you have an idea of what they do and don’t like

If you had read the thread, surely you would know that the OP knows exactly which three dishes they might eat, and that the restaurant serves dishes that aren't fish, and that it serves one of the three things the kids normally eat but don't want to this time.

Didn’t trawl through 24 pages, no … maybe give all the information in the original post!!

Definitely this. I worry that DD2, who is coeliac, will prompt the same reaction amongst her friends, and feel very sad for her - since her diagnosis she has been invited to very few playdates and parties compared with before, people either don't want to make the extra effort or worry about getting it wrong. Which is fine (ish) for now as I can make up for it by hosting loads of playdates, but as she gets older it will get harder.

I would never wish a restricted diet on any child, whether that's being vegan, an allergy, or fussy eating. It makes their life so much harder. DD1 used to be very fussy (lots of allergic reactions when younger made her fearful of new foods, plus ND), but at 10 she recently said 'it's not ok as it's puts others out and makes me look rude' and has pushed herself to try new foods. When OP was talking about the cousins I assumed they were young, max 7 years old, not 11!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I get it from both sides as I have one "foodie" kid, who loves choosing a new restaurant (the more expensive the better in his eyes!) and one child who is so fussy I don't even know what to buy for her dinner in a supermarket, let alone in a restaurant with limited options.
No matter how niche the cuisine, we normally manage to find something that DD will at least try, although usually this means buying several sides/starters instead of a main. It does ruin our experience of the restaurant as it is frustrating trying to find something she will eat, but it's not fair on DS to miss out if he has picked something as a reward.
If we were in this situation, I'd just make sure kids were fed before we came and then just let them have some chips and drinks, or we would go home before everyone went out for the meal.
The only way I'd say you were being unreasonable is if you are offended if your brother decides not to come to the meal.

Still curious to see what the other menu options were to see how fussy these kids are. We are quite a fussy family but we can normally find something to suit everyone.

OP what are you expecting to achieve with this thread? You’ve asked people what they think and everytime someone disagrees you have the same argument - its your daughters birthday and it’s what she wants on her actual birthday.

You have made your mind up regardless of what strangers on the internet think because whatever anyone says it’s the same response.

As such - truly why are you asking as your kind is made up?

Don't really see why you wouldn't pick a more general restaurant for family get together and have the seafood restaurant as a special for you, dad and her only

Because other relatives would like to go too. Maybe they want a change from chicken nuggets

In our house, our kids plan birthdays with expectations from us as parents. We expect them to think beyond themselves - select activities & venues that work for everyone who is giving up their time to be there to celebrate their birthdays. Everyone attending will give up their time and is likely to give a gift, I presume you will also think about your daughter and get her a gift - can't your daughter be thoughtful in return about her guests?!

I hate the 'it's all about me' message your daughter is getting with regards to price and venue. Have you asked her to take her guests into consideration? If not, what values are you sharing with her - once I'm happy, everyone else has to put up with it?!

But, every time the extended family eat out it is always about the fussy eaters.