AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

“Girls, don’t get ideas above your station by thinking you can like nice things and invite people to join you in enjoying them. It’s not as if an invitation can be declined, after all! Accept only the bare minimum, and that nothing is ever about you. Not even your own birthday.”

Tough shit on your brother. They come and eat chips or don’t come. OR could they join you for dessert? Pandering to others in your own birthday is silly. When it’s one of her cousin’s birthdays could she then insist on the seafood restaurant as that what she prefers? No. It works both ways, they suck it up and come or not.
I wonder if the children are really that fussy or it’s the parents pushing it? It’s surprising what children eat away from their parents sometimes!

@randomcar1990

Good for you in not backing down - it’s your daughter’s birthday & she gets to choose where to eat - especially if all other family meals are at places chosen to accommodate the cousins! Tough shit for them on this 1 occasion. They can eat some chips & ice cream & learn that it’s not always about them!! End of.

God forbid anyone remembers how to be a good host, think of your guests. Seems to be one of those conventions that have disappeared in the me me me times

You could argue that both ways, with the cousins being the ‘me, me, me’ element and not thinking about the birthday girl.

They aren't the hosts.

Yes she is old enough to think about and work through this

The person who's birthday it is has Requested a particular restaurant. The rest of the time she has had to eat/celebrate in places that are not to her taste. She is not in any way being unreasonable. This is obviously the only time her actual desires are being recognised.

It is an invitation, if some invitees find the venue unacceptable then they can say they are unable to attend. It is very rude to try to change the venue when that is where the host is celebrating their birthday.

Would said rude family members expect a Bride and Groom to only have their Reception where they choose? No. That would be unacceptable. So why do these people consider it is acceptable to bully a child who has chosen a particular venue for their birthday?

....She is still forcing her parents or other families.....

How does a 12 yo 'force' anyone to do anything?

Think of the guests? The vast majority of are quite happy with the choice of restaurant.

The brother and cousins don’t have to be guests if it doesn’t suit them, free as they are to decline.

No, they’re invitees, and can graciously decline the invitation.

You need to take both your own needs and others into consideration. Never thinking of others is as dysfunctional as never thinking of yourself.

Did I state otherwise?

OP and her wider family have displayed ample consideration. It’s the brother that expects his family to be accommodated every time.

There are indeed times when it is perfectly acceptable to prioritize yourself, and times when it isn’t appropriate. The former is a valuable lesson for OP’s daughter, and the latter a valuable lesson for the brother’s family.

Did I state otherwise?

Kind of, yes. You were implying that OPs daughter was being denied any expression of her needs and wishes if they went to a different restaurant because some of the guests don’t want to go there.

Only if you lacking reading comprehension, or think exclusively in binary.

Parodying the notion that a girl cannot expect anything to ever be about her is not, without doing gymnastics with your imagination, the same thing as saying she should expect everything to be about her.

So no. No, I did not.

They have had their own way every time the family has gone to a restaurant for a long time now. And it isn’t their birthday.

Teetering 😉

Imo the 12 year old not taking into account her guest's needs transforms into the 25 year old planning a destination wedding regardless of who can afford it. Yes, you can do that /be that person. You miss out on the people in favour of the product. Fair enough if that's what you want.

But when they are the hosts, they pick somewhere the OP’s DD doesn’t like, because of their own fussy eating.

@randomcar1990 I hope you all had a happy day yesterday, one way or another and that your dd enjoyed her birthday.

Reading threads like this makes me glad that my kids were children over twenty years ago, and you didn’t have to pamper to everybody’s wishes. Yes, you did host, but you didn’t have to run a menu beforehand with all the guests, to check there was something they could eat. The guests simply accepted what was on offer.

She has suggested a place where they serve one of the three foods they will eat, and it's still not good enough.

That is taking into account their needs. Perhaps not their specific wants for chicken nuggets, but I think that's perfectly reasonable om her birthday when the whole rest of the family would like to go there for a change.

So your analogy would be more accurate as saying she won't hold her wedding in one of the three locations they can attend, but will hold it in another one of the three locations they can attend.

But only those invitees, though, never mind the ones that are happy with the restaurant and are probably glad they don’t have to cater yet again to fussy eaters?

And yes, God forbid someone have the wedding they want, rather than one other people want them to have. I truly hope she does grow into someone that understands that she doesn’t always have to put others above herself.

I would not mind if people who had always had their own way for years expected my wedding to be about them! And gave it a miss when it proved otherwise. Though in fact we catered to the dietary preferences of all guests, none of whom were prima donnas.

Nevertheless you are making quite the leap of logic to suggest that wanting to wrest the choice of restaurant from these particular cousins for the first time, for your own birthday means you are a bridezilla in the making.

I was no bridezilla and, pending news of medical (including MH) diagnoses for the cousins, I think they sound awful. Fussy eaters should be coped with in a low key way. Family celebrations should not revolve around catering to them, as has been happening with this poor family for far too long.

OP, have your extended family been the guests of your brother at these meals when his children choose the restaurants? That is the only possible excuse I can think of for catering to the whims of his children.

I dont really think you're being unreasonable in letting your daughter choose where she wants to go and sticking to it.

Your daughter is technically being a bit unreasonable in that she has 'chosen to spend time with her cousins' but also chosen a restaurant they don't like the food at and isn't willing to swap.
Saying that, she's just a child so 🤷‍♀️

I think you should just explain that it's her bday so you're happy to take her to that restaurant but let her know that might mean her cousins won't come, then she can choose which is more important to her