AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

You don't need to trawl through to read the OP's posts - there should be a button on the OP that says 'see all'.

The relevant info is rarely all on the first post.

Maybe she is thinking about the rest of the extended family so they don't have to eat beige food for once

Just to be clear - you're saying that the family should at all family events restrict themselves to restaurants that serve plain pasta or chicken nuggets?

And where do they go when celebrating the fussy eaters' birthdays? Is there any consideration then?

What if it was a 90 year old great grandad who only eats roasts and fish and chips (that was my dad btw). We wouldn't have gone somewhere he couldn't eat the food. I don't see why it's different just because it's kids.

But there is something the DC can eat, and they always compromise for the DC

Tell your brother his kids need to tell your daughter “thanks for the invite but we don’t like seafood hope you have a lovely day and we will see you on (whenever they’ll next meet) job done - kids learning to communicate like grown ups and your brothers saved some cash

Definitely this. I worry that DD2, who is coeliac, will prompt the same reaction amongst her friends, and feel very sad for her

But I expect your dd will be willing to look for something she can eat if her friends suggest going to a new place, rather than insisting on always going to the same place and eating the same thing. Most places do have gluten free options these days.

Fish and chips is literally one of the meals offered here.
I give up!

They will go to one of the three restsurants they always go to that serves beige food. The OP has posted several times on this thread that the fusssy eaters are always catered for. This time is the exception.

You aren’t being unreasonable and neither is he if he decides not to come.

I don’t understand the etiquette. If you are hosting people for DD’s birthday is it not normal to pay?

I think your brother is being a bit difficult but I think at 12 she is old enough to learn that even on your birthday you can't force people to do something that they don't want to do and you need to be somewhat considerate of people'a budget/tastes

Why don't you suggest that the cousins have a pizza takeout or something at your house or mcdonalds and take dd to her fish restuarant just the immediate family another night?

Assuming your daughter is aware that her cousins don't like fish but wants to choose that fish restaurant anyway, and you are not expecting to split the bill , then the invitation is for them to accept or decline.

At least they have been able to check the menu beforehand and know there's nothing on it their children will normally eat. The balls in their court. The chips only option isn't ideal but at least it's something, if they really want to come and better than wasting more expensive food. Surely there's ice-cream on the kids menu as well.

I cannot believe how many posters have piled on OP who is completely reasonable, by the way.

Also, children being fussy doesn’t mean they’re neurodivergent. Again, we are constantly over diagnosing. When I was a child until about 13 I only liked plain pasta in a specific shape. I’d cry if there was no other options and I was starving. My food couldn’t touch. Anyway, I am now extremely adventurous with food, still no diagnosis, and seafood is my favourite food.

OP just do what you know you will - go to the restaurant and leave your brother to decide what he wants to do.

She will see her cousins for literally every other part of the day, I don’t see how people say this restaurant conflicts with spending time with her cousins.

Yanbu, the whole family doesn’t have to always cater to the picky eaters only. They can decide not to come, but they are massively UR to expect the whole family to always go to the very few restaurants that their picky children will accept.

If brother’s kids are never exposed to other food they will continue to be ridiculously limited. His poor parenting is not your daughter’s fault.

I think you should go to the restaurant your daughter has chosen. If brother chooses not to go because he won’t have his kids just eating chips that’s on him. And maybe his kids will start to realise that being so limited in food choices is not a good thing if they miss out. It’s emotional blackmail to refuse to go unless it’s a restaurant of his choosing. Her birthday, her rules.

Stick with it. Many times kids choose something and leave it, only eating the chips.

Ask restaurant if they do dippy sauces on the side.
Fish and chips, side salads etc.

The restaurant is fine and his kids won't give a toss. They'll eat chips and a sweet.

Your dd wants to spend time with her cousins but choose a restaurant they is not suitable for them. Maybe they meet after the restaurant or you go to that restaurant another time or you choose somewhere else or just do a picnic in the park. What's more important time with the cousins or this restaurant. I can't vote either way

You have completely missed my point. I was saying that older people often have food choice issues too and no one would ignore those, so why is it OK to ignore kids'?

It's different because there will be a wide range of restaurants where your 90 year old dad would be able to find one of those things. The cousins though, will only contemplate going to one of three restaurants, which up until now, all of the extended family has pandered to.
That can't go on forever. These children can't be the decision makers for every single family meal.

Dm is a fussy eater and dd2 generally has a vegan/vegetarian diet and likes non English food. If she invites dm for dinner or there is a family meal out she also ensures there is food that dm will eat. I think that is basic manners. Dd2 can eat at other restaurants when dm isn't there.

I don't think it's unreasonable that your daughter has picked a posh seafood restaurant for her birthday nor is it unreasonable the cousins don't come. Does she understand the choice may put the cousins coming at risk and is she OK with this? They shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to go to a restaurant they won't eat in and will have a miserable time. Conversely we have the opposite problem my 13 year old likes cheap fast food. His ideal is KFC for his birthday but he knows his grandparents hate fast food. He'd love them to come and suggested himself a nicer pizza restaurant so they could come and we'll do KFC another time. As long as they understand the choice.

What a thoroughly unpleasant post. You’re really very unpleasant.

Thus is a tough one - you aren’t paying for the meal do you aren’t the host. The offer to help if people can’t afford it feels clumsy and very awkward - but you know your family best.

it would be different if you were hosting the meal and therefore paying but I can see your brothers perspective. You have chosen and expensive meal, you aren’t paying and his children can only eat chips.