AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

For everyone saying the DDshould pick another restaurant, these three children eat a specific type of nugget, chips and plain pasta! It’s highly likely the latter two will be possible.

The DB has to accept that his children’s restrictive diet limits their options. It doesn’t limit everyone else’s.

@randomcar1990 go to the restaurant, have a wonderful time. If your brother doesn’t go that’s his lookout. If he does then they can all get on with it.

The cousins don’t eat pizza. They eat nuggets, chips and plain pasta. Who knows if they’ll eat MacDonalds. Might be the wrong type of nugget.

Their crap diets shouldn’t dictate where everyone else can eat.

Could you contact the restaurant and explain and then ask them to have something the cousins will eat?

@Booklover78It’s not push! It has a dc menu and chips! It’s just not nuggets and pasta! It’s really a pretty standard family restaurant if it’s got a dc menu!

Id just not bother with family. If they restrict everyone else, just accept you don’t really have the same taste in food. These dc are not being given taste options so they just dictate to everyone else. I think it’s parting of the waves over family get togethers in a restaurant. They are not on the same wave length.

That was my point.
Those kids don't consider others so why should she?

Nah, keep it as it is. My eldest is extremely fussy, even chips are a 20/80 whether he will eat them or not. He can't even finish a mcdonalds. That's just how he is and I wouldn't expect any relatives to cater for it! He quite often eats nothing at families houses because he doesn't like pizza, etc. I'm hoping one day he's hungry enough to start eating it lol. You just have to suck it up and accept you do things for other people's special occasions that you don't necessarily want to do. There's plenty of restaurants I go to that I wouldn't if the decision was solely mine.

I appreciate your post very much.

One sees a lot of what you describe in the YS and the UK, less of it in countries with a different attitude towards food. I had to adjust when moving to America.

Do you have any idea how this attitude evolves? I don’t link it to a parenting philosophy, for example.

Edit above; US and UK

The long and the short of it brother has a choice. OP should stick to her subs and go the her daughters restaurant of choice. Brother doesn’t have to go. Taking three children to an expensive restaurant where they won’t eat anything sounds expensive and tense. He can decide if the company and occasion is worth the cost and the complain g.

I would suggest the whole family should stop limiting restaurant choices for family outings - brother doesn’t have to attend every outing

I totally get this! When I was a teenager we always went on holiday with one of my uncles and his family. We’d go lovely places that were known for delicious foods (think Spain, Greece, France, Portugal), but my cousin and my sister would only eat margarita pizza, a burger or spaghetti bolognaise. I was desperate to go to some of the lovely little local seafood places for prawns and paella, but none of them served pizza or spaghetti, so we didn’t get to go. We always ended up at the generic British food places or the Irish bars cause my cousin and my sister could get one of their 3 choices.

I was really frustrated because I didn’t think it was fair that my food choices were always limited and I didn’t ever get to have what I wanted just because I wasn’t a picky eater. Especially for a two week holiday. One time, when we were all a bit older, I basically insisted we went to this little local restaurant basically right on the beach where they caught and served their own shellfish. My uncle had to shell out for my cousin to have a steak off the adult menu cause that’s all she’d eat, but I got my taste of the local cuisine and it was marvellous. I still remember it as one of the best meals I ever had on holiday!

If you eat together regularly as a family and you literally always go to the same three dull generic places every time so your daughter’s choices are regularly limited when you eat out, I totally get why she wants to choose somewhere different. Your experiences being limited by fussy people is extremely frustrating and unfair.

OP as a compromise, could you offer to pay for all the kids meals?

it takes the sting out of the cost of your brother is being awkward - you are the host it’s a birthday party and the kids meals should be too expensive.

it allows you daughter to have her cousins there but also acknowledges that this is a more expensive option that you would normally all do.

And get some different restaurants I’m to the rotation! Lower cost that this but it’s not fair that everyone is retracted when it’s not an allergy.

And as the cousins get older they will also need to learn that being so restrictive might limit their social interactions. If it was my kids and this was somebody who's important to me I'd be telling them to suck it up and either eat or go hungry but OP's daughter also needs to understand that she isn't entitled to this. She is also the oldest of her cousins. I'd be expecting more understanding and coping with the social nuances from a 12YO than I did from a 6YO

Why don't you suggest that the cousins have a pizza takeout or something at your house or mcdonalds and take dd to her fish restuarant just the immediate family another night?

Because other members of the extended family do want to go! Should they be uninvited for the sake of the fussy ones?

Could you contact the restaurant and explain and then ask them to have something the cousins will eat?

They won't eat nuggets if it's the wrong type of nugget.

Adults can make their own decisions about whether they want to attend a meal or stay home or eat earlier or request something off-menu.

6yos aren't in the same position to do this. Sorry, I hadn't realised this needed pointing out.

I actually think that in a large extended family where there is probably a birthday celebration every month or more, going to the Beefeater (or wherever) every single time would start to cause a bit of resentment and make the whole thing a bit repetitive. You have to do the same thing for your birthday that your cousins did, every year, if you want to eat out for your birthday.

I was going to add it is extremely unlikely that all 3 cousins have the same food preferences. Perhaps 2 of them have just fallen into line! One of my dgc is extremely fussy but dd2 just ignores it and if he eats a proper meal - or just chips /bread it's fine. His sibling will eat anything.

They don't need to be diagnosed to be nd.

*want to eat

People are absolute morons. Implying your daughter is selfish and spoilt and prioritising the restaurant over her cousins comfort, because she won't go to a restaurant she doesnt want to go to, on HER birthday, but the cousins can't suck it up when it's not their birthday. And not once has op mentioned her daughter knowing how expensive it is or the cousins not wanting anything on the menu.

Unless they've got arfid. Then no, they can have chips and a pudding.

Even if they have Arfid, they can’t demand the family eat at the same three restaurants every time.

I've seen a few comments about the daughter choosing between having everyone there and the restaurant she wants... But as a vegetarian from age 5 (when chips and onion rings were a good option!) and a vegan for 18 years I wouldn't dream of making someone pick a place for me. I would just accept that for this one dinner is have chips and enjoy the company. I can't imagine there are many kids that wouldn't be happy with chips and maybe some other sides / starters. It just teaches them that sometimes the world isn't going to go your way and you have to adapt. I've been to places that don't have vegan options and just asked the chef to make something and with my daughter, I've had restaurants offer to make her some tomato pasta before when there was nothing vegan on the kids menu (she normally just shares with me and I get extra sides!) so they might do the same for the nephews.

How did these children end up with such a restrictive diet? Bad parenting. If these options had Never been available they wouldn't have started restricting the options. Down to Parents every single time.

Sorry, but this seems an awful lot of fuss for a 12 year olds birthday. If it was her 21st then fair enough.
Just go out to a burger restaurant and take her to the seafood restaurant another time.

What if DD is not keen on burgers?

A seafood restaurant is my worst nightmare, but I'd absolutely not let your daughter change where she wants to eat.

They can eat chips and dessert.

They’re 2 kids- they don’t dictate what the greater group does. Kids just fit in. The reason they’re picky is likely because parents are constantly catering to their picky eating and enforcing this on everyone else too. I have two young children and barely glance at a child’s menu as we will make do with what is there. Your brother can feed them prior to the meal out and they can munch on chips while there. It’s really not rude to suggest kids just eat chips while out, fairly standard.

An alternative would be to contact the restaurant to see if they can make whatever the kids usually like. Since you’re booking a large party they might be accommodating!