I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

With a tiny bit of forethought, you could have avoided this very uncomfortable situation OP.
The cousins were bound to talk about their spending money amongst themselves in their excitement at being able to spend it together.

How sad for your mum that her generosity towards her daughters has split the family. And that five of her grandchildren feel short changed by her. She must be so upset.

Could you not encourage your two children to save some of their £50…to give it to you for safekeeping for now, so that they can spend it after the holiday.
Surely it’s better that they have a nice time with their cousins rather than have to sit apart at the pool in a state of confusion and bewilderment.

You can easily make this right again without shortchanging your two children.
So why not do that?

Do it out of consideration for your nieces and nephews. It would be a good lesson in understanding, for your two children too.
I hope you can work it out and have a lovely family holiday. Good luck!

Oh well. Still not OPs problem to solve.

I think YABU. £50 spending money for kids on a holiday is ridiculous. I think you should take away £30 from each of your kids and say they can spend it later in their school holidays. Then it’s fair between them and their cousins for this holiday.

It does seem like the adults themselves need some financial education rather than the kids.

Yes her sister should have dealt with the issue prior to the holiday and it's a shame her sister has decided to make an issue out of a nothingburger.

But since her sister didn't have any foresight and it's not OPs job to parent her sister's children, her sister will just have to teach them not to ask nosy questions about money and to regulate their jealousy. Fortunately OP isn't going to punish her own kids because her sister can't afford to give them a decent amount of spending money.

Oh well, life goes on.

Why didn’t your mum just give all the grandkids the same amount

As you know, her kind generous mum gave her own daughters the money to do with as they chose.

She gave her two daughters the same amount and told them they could do what they like with it. They both independently chose to give it to their children.

And agree with PPs, why give such young children £50 to spend on holiday, that's an insane amount and presumably they only have holiday tat to waste it on! I'd have given them £10 or £20 each and put the rest in their savings.

So an 8yo should only have 70p a day spending money for a two-week holiday, as any more will make her feel like the spoiled lady of the manor? A lot of places in touristy areas charge 20p or 30p or more just to use the toilet!

Plus they're claiming the jealous sister is jealous because her kids are missing out. So obviously the jealous sister is not giving what she sees as enough spending money because she's poor.

But there's no reason at all OPs kids should also not be given enough spending money so they can all be equally unhappy, they all have to pretend to be poor too so as not to hurt their feelings 🤣 it's absolutely bonkers.

People will have more money than you as you go through life. Oh well.

You are on holiday with your sister and didn't think to ask her "how much are you giving your kids for spending money?". Didn't this bit of teamwork even occur to you? Laughing at all the mumsnetters who are blaming your mother.for your lack of communication skills.

Yes, her poverty stricken jealous sister certainly should have checked in since money is a huge issue to her.

But since OP gave her kids a normal amount of spending money it's not her job to try to predict imaginary financial problems that her sister invents in relation to her own kids.

It wouldn’t occur to me to ask my family or friends how much spending money they are giving their kids on holiday, because it’s absolutely none of my business. Last holiday we went on with my sibling and their kids, on the rare occasions we spent a full day together my immediate family would have picnics by the pool or at the beach, my sibling and their family would opt for bar snacks, or beach tavern. We couldn’t afford to eat out everyday but I wouldn’t dream of taking the huff because they could afford to eat out 24/7, and I’d have been mortified if I thought they were capping their spending money or worse subbing us because we were poorer, dh would have felt utterly humiliated! So different families have different ‘rules’. I suspect OP might decide not to holiday again with her sister, as the gap between what Op can afford and what her sister can afford will almost certainly widen, as a larger family will have more costs to take into account.

Shame we can vote for a best answer. 😂

Why are so many assuming that the 4 year-old is going to buy nothing but ice cream with the £50. Maybe they would like a souvenir t-shirt or similar.
My 4 year-old granddaughter bought a t-shirt while on holiday and also thought to buy another one for her cousin who didn't go on holidays.

Pooling together. Adding just a little would have given all the kids £30 each with no one upset.

Agreed!!

Yeah but you sound a much more reasonable person than the op is

Exactly!

@dramaticlifestyle you are absolutely right to split the money between your own children equally, your mum did a lovely thing and it’s not your fault that your sisters children have less. Your sister is being ridiculous causing an issue about this. Don’t let this affect your holiday, people saying giving £50 to a 4 year is ridiculous are being ridiculous themselves, I could understand if your 4 year old was waving the cash around, but they’re not, you as the responsible parent, are keeping it in your purse for when it’s needed. I doubt very much when your sister decided to have 5 children that she was thinking about anyone else, so why is it now your problem that her kids got less money each? They should be grateful they got anything at all from their nan and grateful that they’re on holiday at all as a lot of families can’t afford it with the current cost of living. You’ve done the right thing in my opinion and I would’ve done exactly the same. Enjoy yourself!

You and your sister could have pooled the money and given the same amount to each grandchild. You’ve said you didn’t need the money, so this would have been the nicest thing to do.

I just can't get over giving an 8yr old and a 4 yr old £50 each! Made a rod for your own back there....

This is why group holidays are a bit of a nightmare unless you are 100% aligned financially and in terms of how you manage your kids.

You mum gave you and you sister £100 each to be equal. She didn’t give it directly to the children. If she’d given it directly to the kids then equalising would have been better but she didn’t.

You and your sister then both decided to give it to the kids and I can see why there is now an issue given the disparity. In hindsight it might have been better to have discussed it first or discussed spending money for the children in general because that sort of disparity is always going to cause a bit of friction on holiday. However, that isn’t your mum’s fault and she shouldn’t be dragged into your argument.

I probably wouldn’t have passed on the whole amount to the kids. I’d have done £20 each and kept the rest for myself to cover other things but now you have, I would maybe talk to them about perhaps saving some of it for when they get home.

I don't like rifts and would normally try to keep the peace (to a certain degree - I'm not a pushover!), and I want my DC to be charitable, so in your situation I would encourage (not force) your DC to use their money to buy a small treat/gift for their cousins, maybe also for their auntie/uncle, but also definitely for their granny to say thank you.

This thread is so revealing.

You don't give infants free reign to spend money. They do not have the capacity to make decisions that are safe and healthy for them.

They ask for an ice cream on holiday. You say of course! You give them the coins and help them to make the transactions. Fab. Everyone is happy.

You give them £50 or £500 or whatever the amount is. They buy 12 ice creams and they're sick and have no more money. You say, oh well, tough shit, I did my bit, not my fault. Or you say, oh no poor thing, here's another £50, we're on holiday after all! How is either of those things teaching them anything except that you don't give a shit about what they're doing?

Children need boundaries in order to feel safe, including boundaries around money and food. Part of being a parent is supervising your children as they gradually begin to work out the adult world. You don't just chuck them cash and let them get on with it.