I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

I have two thoughts- 1) your sister needs to be teaching her kids that sometimes other people have more money than you or things you want that you can't have, that's life. It's a valuable life lesson. But 2) who cares if you've already told them they've got it, you could just say 'Your cousins are feeling a bit sad you've got more money than them, it would be kind to save this money for now and we can use it on the way home/next weekend etc.' That too is a valuable life lesson, that we should be empathetic with others.

Your sister stropping is ridiculous and she should absolutely be ignored. But i do think you could have handled this a bit better too, at least having tue conversation with your kids.

No imbalance between the grown adult women.

A significant imbalance between the young children who didn’t ask to have lots of siblings or to have to watch as their cousins have more than double them to spend.

These are CHILDREN, who as far as they’re concerned are now comparibly poor compared to their cousins. Who have more than they could need on holiday.

OP has spared zero thoughts for her nieces and nephews. She lacks the emotional intelligence (as many do on this thread) to empathise with how the children will feel having such an imbalance to other children on the holiday.

Fairness is very important for children. It was so unnecessary of OP to give her children £50 each, knowing the others would have had less than half of that each. She could have held the rest back, or retained it for whole family treats but no, she chose to make things unfair amongst the children. Poor decision.

Granny did right. She supported her 2 daughters equally.

Tell your sister your kids are jealous about how many siblings their cousins have. Ask if she can take some away as you can't afford so many kids.

Yes I have done, especially if they’re going to the zoo or similar as I know they like to buy cuddly animals and they’re expensive

Exactly!
it also teaches them from a young age that if they don’t have enough money then they can’t have it!

its very easy to spend £50 if going to the zoo or similar on cuddly animals!

Money is no issue for a lot of mumsnetters… easy come, easy go 🤷‍♀️

@IStillHearTheWaves post shows that

@VivIsBlonde

surely the treat is the day out to the zoo seeing actually animals … not buying cuddly animals?

Yeah for some clearly on here. Not for me. So I was sharing my personal view/opinion.....just like they are sharing theirs :)

Take a lesson for literal children to learn: Would you rather be right or would you rather Bingo keep playing with you?

FFS, the OPs lovely mum gave each daughter £100 towards a holiday. Both decided it was not needed so subsequently decided to use it by giving it to their children for spending money. This was not a gift to the grandchildren directly, just both parents decided to use it that way.

Where there is more children, the money is split more ways. I am assuming the children would have been given some spending money anyway, so parents can top up appropriately. As for younger children having £50, why not? I am pretty sure they are not wandering around with a debit card using it at will, but like every child, want to spend money on ice reams, drinks in the gift shops etc.

Learning to make choices about money rather than just expecting parents to pay for stuff should start relatively early. £50 per child holiday is not really a huge amount, just usually parents would pay for the odd pencil/little toy/slush and not thinknof it as spending money.

She's a cheeky fucker. She chose to have 5 kids,it's not your problem!

Yes people are so busy judging the sister for having 5 kids they’re missing this point.

i can’t imagine being on a family holiday and not having a quick word with my sibling, before handing over a large amount of spending money. Why not just check what the sister was planning to give her children to keep things roughly equal for the kids? I wouldn’t want my nieces and nephews to feel jealous, or like the poor relations.

Op’s kids could have had the rest of the money afterwards so they wouldn’t have missed out. It would have been a bit of basic consideration, courtesy and care to show family.

Personally I wouldn’t have given an 8 year old and 4 year old £50 each. I definitely wouldn’t have done it when I was on holiday with family that I knew wouldn’t be able to afford the same for their children as it’s not fair on their children whether they had 5,1 or 10 kids. When you’re sharing a holiday with others you have to make allowances for them as you’re not on your own.

I’ve been on holiday with family and friends numerous times and I’d never load my children up with money and things that would make others feel bad because I can afford it and they can’t

maybe just give your children £20 each and save the rest for them for a later date?

That being said, I also don’t think it’s fair for your sister to ask you to take their money back and be in a mood about it unless it’s something you do often and she’s had enough of it?

The same goes for OP's sister too. When she gave her kids 20 each, she didn't know what pocket money her sisters kids were going to have. It could have been the other way around - 20 Vs 0.
Both should have checked or not complain later - just explain to her kids this is what happens in life.

FWIW 100% agree with the above post.

Gosh, what a drama! The adults have all made a bit of a pigs ear over it. When your mother offered the money, why didn’t you and your sister either thank her and accept if you needed it, or thank her and decline if you didn’t? Does your mother need the money more than you do? Do your niblings need the money more than your children? This all sounds a little vulgar, arguing and falling out over what is essentially a few pounds within a family that overall sounds fairly privileged.
Sometimes, for me, £20 can be the difference between eating and not eating, so to have a whole post about whether your 4 year old child should be showing off to their cousins about how much money they have just gives me the ick. Personally, I have more niblings than children, and I would rather they were all treated equally than have mine get more due to having a smaller family. Whilst I might not get on with my brother, I love my niblings & wouldn’t see them lose out so mine can have more. Stop making this about your sister and make it about the children.

@WhisperingHi, the sister could also give her children £50 each. The grandparent gifted the same amount of money to her children who both then chose to use it for spending money for their children. There is no unfairness here, it seems the holiday was already paid for and costs accounted for before the OPs mother gifting her 2 children the same amount. The gift was not to the grandchildren directly, just the parents chose to use it this way. The OPs sister can obviously top up to an equal amount if she wants, her costs will always be more having to pay for 5 children, just a fact

Exactly. If you love someone, you don’t want them to feel bad. I couldn’t imagine causing this for my nieces and nephews. When together, we always treat them equally as though they’re siblings. That’s probably why they have a great relationship.

I don’t even understand why you would do this. Do you want your DC to have a good relationship with their cousins? Do you have a good relationship with your sister?

There are many ways you could have handled this differently. Mainly you should have given your sister a heads up you were planning to give your DC huge amounts of spending money regardless of where it came from.

£20 each would have been plenty of spending money for your young DC and then you could have used the rest to pay for the icecreams etc instead of asking a 4 year old to pay (who does that?)
Whether you meant it or not I think you were being unnecessarily goady and very unhelpful towards your sister - she has more children and maybe you don’t approve of that but you don’t seem very nice about her or her children here.

Give over. She was gifted £100, I don’t know anyone in today’s economic climate who can afford to cough up an extra £150 just so that their kids have as much as someone else’s, and I live in a relatively affluent area.

The solution isn’t for sister to fork out another £150. The solution was for OP to read the room, talk to her sister and agree a reasonable amount per child (£20 sounds fair for young children). Then either keep the excess, spend as adults, or spend on the group.

This is family and family should care about each other.

These are CHILDREN, who as far as they’re concerned are now comparibly poor compared to their cousins. Who have more than they could need on holiday.

I grew up poorer than lots of my friends and family.
Some have more then others ams thats just how it is.

When I went to my cousins at Christmas every year, they clearly had much bigger/expensive toys than us and got much more then we did, they weren't told to hide their toys from us to be fair.
Ridiculous.
We all have to learn that not everything is equal for everyone in life.
When we complained or asked why we didn't get those things we were simply told "They are a different family from us, we have different things, thats life, be grateful for what you have".

But that’s a completely different scenario, can’t you see that?

You were joining them on Christmas Day. It would have been a big compromise for them to open the gifts on another day or not receive them, that would have been unreasonable. Although personally I’d still try not to rub it in poorer families faces.

We’re not talking about Christmas here. We’re talking about a holiday and some random unexpected and unneeded holiday money. The kids weren’t expecting or needing it at all. The OP has decided, purposefully, to give her children more than double what the sister can give each of her children.

This could easily have been avoided. Not because OP is obliged to make things fair for the children, but because she loves her nieces and nephews and doesn’t want them to feel bad.

It really was as simple as that. OP doesn’t care about her families feelings, only that of her own kids, that’s what this comes down to. Unnecessarily upsetting children on holiday.

You don't stop parenting because you're on holiday! Yes you buy your kid an ice cream, but you don't just give them loads of money and let them do wtf they want with it.

Has everyone lost their minds? Since when do we give 4 year olds massive amounts of money and autonomy?

As well as that, kids remember this sort of shit. It lays down resentment. I sure as hell remember feeling unequal to my affluent cousins when we were little and their better fortune was shoved right in my face. (They got pocket money and I didn’t!)
And we’re talking anons ago, we’re talking decimal currency times, and yet I still remember the resentment that I felt, that somewhere in my subconscious, still lingers. Some kids are thin skinned, and can find this sort of stuff really disproportionately upsetting. While I am surprised by many of the reactions on here about this, I appreciate some adults here were really well rounded as kids and took such knocks with great grace. However the OP’s sister’s kids are evidently not in that bracket and I feel a lot of empathy towards them.

@WhisperingHi, at no point has OP mentioned her sister's economic circumstances so this is a bit of a leap. The fact she has 5 children (no judgement there) and can afford to take them all on holiday so suggests the sister is economically secure enough to manage. I only had one DC and could afford frequent cheap holidays for us both and also a friend sometimes, no way could I ever afford 5 children as a widowed single parent. Holidays will always cost extra in drinks/ice-cream/pool toys/crap from gift shops for each child. I am not sure what the issue is with children knowing how much they have to spend and when it runs out they have made their choices. Realistically, this could easily cost £50 each child these days. OP has chosen to use her mother's money this way and so has her siblings. The sibling just happens to have 3 more children. The spending money comes from the parent, not the grand parent and they have set different limits.