I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

TBH I think it shows a bit of lack of awareness on your part not to just give your kids £20 each now, and then give them the remaining £30 each at a later date. What are kids that age going to do with £50 anyway?? Did you discuss with your sister that you would be giving your DCs the money from your mum?

Sounds like you're both being very petty and likely to spoil the holiday if you don't give your heads a wobble. Bet your mum wishes she hadn't bothered now.

£50 for a 4 year old is way too much by the way. Not sure what you were thinking there.

Act like grown ups and talk to each other to sort it out instead of digging your heels in to prove a point.

It would have been fairer to split it between all 7 grandchildren , though probably your mum didnt realise you'd give the money straight to the kids. Seems a bit nuts to give £50 to a young child who may loose it or give it away. Would maybe have been better for the parents to use the money for extra treats as and when with maybe smaller amounts for the kids to fritter on tat. I think I would be upset if I were one of the poorer kids - its not their fault and its a shame its caused a family rift.

I think you & your sister should have spoken in advance & agreed how much money you were giving each child to avoid this situation. I understand your perspective but £50 for such young kids is a lot & £20 would have been plenty. Speaking beforehand about this, how many ice creams per day you allow kids, how much screen time etc etc would have avoided a lot of heartache & made for a much more enjoyable holiday. Even if you didn't agree on spending money or whatever, at least the conversation would have been had in advance so that there’s no bad feeling when you’re away.

Why not tell your children that the extra £30 can be spent when they get home, on the rest of their summer holidays. £50 seems a bit excessive for a child's holiday allowance anyway.

No, me and my sister didn't discuss what we were going to do with the money until after we had the money. I had already given my kids £50 at that point

What should have happened is when you and your sister decided to give the money directly to the kids, you should have said to your mum to divide it equally between the grandchildren! More fair to the kids really.

Still can’t get over anyone giving £50 to a FOUR YEAR OLD. Are you taking something?

Because they've already spent some of their money

I wouldn't give a 4 or 8 year old £50. They have no understanding of the value of money, and the 4yo can't even relate money to buying things yet. I would just buy them treats as and when the opportunity arises. It sounds like your children's cousins are very aware that they are the poor relations.

This sounds like a much better idea

I think everyone in this situation could have approached this a bit more sensitively.

Your mum could have thought ahead about splitting the money between the grandchildren in the first place (I can't imagine my mum giving me spending money as an adult with my own kids, she would give it straight to mine).

You could have foreseen this problem too and "held" the money yourself even if you intended to spend it on your kids. I find it excessive to give such young children £50 directly anyway, that's a lot of money, crazy for a 4 year old to be going around telling people she has that much. I would also have told the older of the two to be sensitive about it and not rub it in her cousins' faces, she's old enough to understand that.

Your sister is also being unreasonable now though that it's done, clearly it's not reasonable for you to be asked to take the money back now it's been given out.

Rather than having a big falling out, perhaps you could all take the mature approach and agree this should have been handled differently and that you will all do so in future.

Your mum should have split the money equally amongst the children. F she didn’t then you and your sister should have done that. It’s not their fault they were born is it and it’s obviously going to cause unnecessary unhappiness between all the kids all for the sake of a few quid.

Is it worth it? You could be the bigger person and ask your kids to give £20 each back to the pot.

It's not like he's holding £50. I have the money with me at all times. If he doesn't spend it all, he doesn't spend it all.

Between the three adults, you've managed to create a situation which was always going to cause unhappiness. Poorly done by all of you not to think ahead.

It's now a question of damage limitation- eg saving the additional money for another occasion. Your sister isn't handling it well, granted, and of course she can't demand you do anything but in the interests of you all having an enjoyable holiday you should all start behaving like adults and work out a solution, and that includes you.

For a start, a 4yr old doesn’t need any spending money and giving them £50 is ridiculous, but you obviously know that.

I think YABU and have reverted to childish behaviour towards your sister when you should be thinking about how you could help to ensure everyone has a great family holiday together.

I can’t imagine treating my siblings with such obvious contempt.

Yes this she should given the kids £25. each ! I see you didn't rush to say this Op. The Atmosphere on your holiday must be thick.

I'm usually of the thought that with kids, equal doesn't always mean exactly the same at the same time - for example my youngest is going on a trip with DH soon to see a show and the older siblings aren't. In fact we haven't booked anything of equal value for them...yet. They know it will all even out but not necessarily immediately.

However if we were on holiday with their cousins, I probably would try and make sure it was all equal in terms of spending money because that's so likely to cause issues. I mean I would take money away from them if I'd already given it, as you have, but I wouldn't cause such an obvious imbalance.

What in the world do you think a four year old will buy with £50!!!!

I think you should have pooled the money with your sister and agreed a sum for each child ( apart from a big bag of shiny 10p coins for the four year old, which most four year olds would have loved!) But that ship has sailed , so maybe suggest to your 8 year old that she puts some of her money into her piggy bank so things are a bit more equal.

Your mum sounds lovely, but has clearly forgotten the nature of small children!

Yeah this is ridiculous. 7 of them. She should have just given them all £25 each and saved herself £25
This is how you end up with family feuds when inheritance is cut in half like this - one person feels hurt for being punished for not having enough kids, another for having too many.
Of course the cousins are going to smart, yours have double the amount.
It was a gift horse. Everyone should be happy. But life lessons about less and more, sharing is caring and disparity gaps aren't for when you are on holiday.
You might have been able to be Lady Bountiful by handing your kids fifty quid each, she has been forced to follow suit.
Best thing would gave been for Gran to do an equal split or you both to have kept it yourself for icecreams etc and not talked about it, rather than passing it onto kids to squirrel, hoard and talk about. Way to ruin a holiday and relationships.

He is four. He has no concept of money or the value of things. You stop this nonsense now and cap his spending so that it doesn’t unnecessarily upset his cousins. Same with his sibling who at 8 also has a limited concept of money and value. Seriously? I can’t believe there are people like this out there.

It says in the OP mum gave the money to her two daughters. The daughters then subsequently gave it to their children. The split was fair. How the daughters decided to spend the money was up to them. Op and her husband could have spent the £100 on a nice meal out for the four of them, op’s sister could have spent the £100 on a meal out for her family of 7. Op would have had a better meal because £25 per head. Ops sister meal would have had £14.28 per head. The point is op’s sister has a bigger family so the £100 isn’t going to spread so far.
Your sister needs to tell her kids it’s crass to ask how much spending money their cousins have. It’s none of their business. Your sister is being a muppet, and needs get over it.
Once a gift is given it can’t be taken back.

I am significantly wealthier than my lovely sister and wouldn’t have needed it to fund generally holiday spending either.

But because I’m not a dick, and don’t think it’s my job to teach my young niece and nephew about the inherent unfairness of the world they’ve been born into while they are enjoying a holiday, I would have ensured all of the kids had equal spending money.

You may be “technically” in the right but your approach here speaks volumes about who you are.

I feel sorry for your mum as she tried to do a nice thing and it backfired. In hindsight it would have been better to discuss between you and your sister how much you were going to give the DC each - I’ve done this before with friends on a group holiday. But I think taking the money from your DC now would probably cause more issues.